27 December 2010

Since February

February is the only time I've met you again since, but I'm certain this will be the last for the year.

This time, the skies are too kind to elude the stunning glare of the evening sun because it was you I'm meeting. I don't need anything more to make the situation prettier. The thoughts itself are enough.

Yes, I'm lucky to be meeting you again. (and not CNY as we previously agreed on due to schedules)

Now, things are a little different than the last for I know, because Alexis told me something more than a friend would. Ever since her confession last semester, the mind has been making up situations like this and I've always wondered what is about to happen, I thought;

"How will it feels like?"

As my brother dropped me off across the street from our rendezvous in the surprisingly vacant business centre, I realized my eyes, instantly captured your familiar face through that windowpane of a well known cafe.

There, I've finally met your other half, as you put it. Quite I say, reasonable you've chosen him instead. Lucky you, lucky him, and I really do give my best regards on your relationship. So far, the best quote from Alexis was that you have the charms which enables you to choose instead of being the one chosen. I never find myself fell short in agreeing to that. Who can blame us?

You're still the same, for all the demeanor I know since February. But now, it doesn't matter anymore and I have to confess, since you dropped your alcohol habits by picking gym instead, being physically fit, I find myself staring at you for a while every now and then throughout the session. Both me and Alexis finds you alluring for your ability to be able to pull it off so effortlessly. She told me I have much to learn from you and I didn't deny.

The meeting was rather brief though. For me.

After you sent us home, I can't help to think how incredible it was to have that infatuation on you even it was just another union of a long disconnected friendship. Interestingly, both me and Alexis had the same thoughts when we are apart just moments away from you.

We will meet again, boy. Until then, I needed the time to mend that heart. You were surely one of the biggest I've met so far.

* * *

The time is silent. I hear only the whistles of my air-conditioning and the screen was the conversation between me and Alexis the evening before.

"I've told BL before I know SGG's relationship with him"

"I have yet to tell my feelings for you is not just the heartfelt feelings I have for The Boy that is empty in search for a substitute. So I have to think again before asking you that serious question."

I stared at it for a while,

Until dawn slowly breaks.

25 December 2010


Tonight is quiet.

An ageing woman just retired from her day.

* * *

She stare through the windowpane into the busy traffic below.

Beyond the reflection of herself;

Trails of cigarette smoke accompanies her lonesome but reflective night.

13 December 2010

An Advice

Somewhere in time, not too long ago, the face of a younger mother told me:

玩! 再玩! 等

Red Night

"Yea, a glass of red wine please."

* * *

Minutes ago, couple of us were sitting on the cemented bench amidst all the walking hunks and twinks on the second floor. We sighed on the near-deafening trance below, crowded, sweaty, naked. This is Marketplace on a crowded saturday night.

You see occasional boys walking around that you've stalked in Facebook and you begin to wonder if you're lucky tonight.

Not tonight I suppose. For many reasons I've thought, ultimately, I guess it was my decision. I have chosen a friend instead.

"Is that like a police truck?"

We knew immediately, something was wrong. K jumped down and ran. In a rush, we grabbed on each other's palm, pushing through the oblivious dancing bodies. But it was too late.

Familiar faces of ugly cops had moved in earlier and blocked all exits. Now followed by the disappointing stop of loud beats, and the club finally found herself under the glare of spotlights. Silent.

The queue was frustratingly long, so we went upstairs again for air.

Surprisingly, the bar's still available;

** ** **

We drew an emotionless sigh;

knowing tonight's gonna be a long night.

07 December 2010


"The next station, will be two years."

You gave me that sneeriest turn on the edge of your lips.

* * *

In the sardined coach, I watched as you left without turning back. And I know, I have gave a part of myself in the form of a strange twisted sentiment;

for you, Mr. H.

At least for that moment.

28 November 2010

Quickie 0123


"Hello! How are you? It has been a tiring day. Ay, I was driving through Singapore to drop my friends, then sending the others to their hotels, urgh. What a day."


You were lying comfortably on my bed, posing with all signs of welcome.

"oh, these days I've been really busy. Didn't really had the time to relax and stuff.. argh.."

And there's that unmistakable, mischievous smirk.


Sound of smooches surrounded all that vigorous movement of limbs under that annoying illumination of my desklamp. A reluctant hand, in the midst of all the actions reached for the switch.


You were on top of my chest, arriving to your orgasm all over my abs.

"Wow, you were famished. When was your last time, SW?"



"oh, I've got to go. Back to my lab to kill some switch! Afraid it'll go ka-boom."

"At this hour?"

"Yea, guess I'll just have to sneak in. Anyway, thank you so much. See you again!"

"Nights, SW."

21 November 2010

Of Singaporean Treats

The HDB flats we bunked in are getting sleepy and the hums of speeding traffic below were still rhythmic as night falls. My eyes remain fixated to the dense secondary forest reserve on the other side of the freeway: Call it a day? I suppose.

I couldn't stop recalling earlier as we rushed through the busy streets of Singapore.

Over the pavement and street signs we've crossed, you came into my mind ever so often - Perhaps it was your silhouette I've discovered a night ago.

You have the physique.

I was desperate.

* * *

In the morning, the smell of you lingers on your sideburn as I carefully sniffs every last whiff of it.

In hope that your uncle doesn't finds out.

We will meet again. Mr. H

20 November 2010

Reflections #2

While people might look similar; everyone behave differently on bed.

A palette of preferences and mischiefs.

08 November 2010


I recall that moment when SGG was holding that umbrella for you. I was only behind silently; soon to realize a warm drop from the corner of my eye blended to the million tiny sounds that is surrounding.

** ** **

"Hey, do you wanna lift? Come on in!"

A silver Honda pulled over, windows down and it's a familiar face of a person who picked me up the last time I walked this road.

"Not this time bro, but thank you so much for the thought."

It was still a distance to my place, but today I prefer to walk alone; especially after the yet-again laughter saturated dinner with BL, JS and also SGG who just returned from his tedious work in Singapore for a short break with his sweetheart.

Spheres of glowing light from the street lamps marking the strokes of water droplets passing from one to another. The sounds of drizzle clattering on my umbrella soon brings out a strange allure I find it to my liking.

Tina Turner's "I Don't Want To Lose You" was accompanying as I continued walking this road. And then, somewhere in between the rain and the lengthy journey, a moment of time was lost as I liberated myself from the shelter of a shade. The lines of droplets now become more defined, hardened, and I embraced the freezing yet blissful droplets on my face.

For a long time hanging around with them, I cheered, from the very bottom of my heart.

05 November 2010


Tonight is beautiful. Only if things didn't happened the way it did, I know we would be sharing this moment together here on the rooftop of the highest peak in the campus.

This hour are instead tainted with reflections of the recent past and that itching void within, hurdling my thoughts back and forth seeking an empty soul like myself to share the breathtaking view.

The sickening recall did not taste a little remorseful. It has been only a hint of disappointment to a friendship that never had a chance. Of course, asking him back is out of the question. The only last thing I could ask for is acceptance, at least for myself. Perhaps that as a thought, comforts for all that has happened.

Maybe this reminiscence is momentary. Another quick evaluation of yet another careless affection I've come across.

Soon, the thundering explosions shadowed the thoughts as thousands of brilliant colours speckled the night skies, almost winning the shimmering amber-lit suburb below. Dots of light between the shining stars and the fireworks and the streets soon fuse into a sea, bearing witness of a new day, a fresh start, another beginning.

It's Diwali today.

For this moment, I'm drowned by the lights and sounds of a new beginning, and for the glass of gin on my other hand has seen the night and myself, within.

p.s: An amazing fact is that this spectacular light show wasn't a generous charity from an industrious company. It was rather a composition of all those who cherish the light and celebrates the festival by releasing the fireworks in unison.

02 November 2010

Reflections #1

Strength is built by one's failures, not one's successes.

People grow strong going upstreams, against the currents.

01 November 2010

Breather Denied

As if that day you have no intentions when I caught your eyes feasting just like that fat kid binging his burger at the table next to you.

~~ * ~~

Over that steaming cup of vanilla latte and a fine Johorian afternoon in Starbucks;

Let's face it. You're living in denial.

Which unfortunately happens to be my turn off.

31 October 2010

When You Laugh

For the past weeks including the special 20102010 itself, life has never been slowed down to a pace I could comfortably call pleasant. Day creeps by one after another following tedious assignments and examinations; all the signs of finals are coming soon, the regular cycle of a student.

Of course, as a homosexual like others, the drive has never reduced in these times and desperate people will start eating whatever they might get.

Let's begin from something simple. Sex with him last week was utter annoyance - after multiple times of trying to get him stood. The problem is he doesn't want to come when there's an opportunity. Try living in my underpants, you'll know it's damn tiring to serve you. Personally I don't think taking *that* long to come is great sex. Particularly for the other party that's already yawning.

You, BL, on the other hand is horny. I know that when you jumped on my bed and hugged me despite your mattress I provided to keep you away, and that's a new ominous sign I see - knowing things are about to get really ugly with your boyfriend and the view from our newly discovered semi open-minded fruitfly, this is another drama in brew. I can see SGG's envious face, flaming in jealousy and that urge in him to put me out of the picture.

I never dared for an amnesty.

But one thing I enjoyed the most are still the moments of laughter when we crack jokes after a mediocre orgasm from a mundane but revisited sex. Naked and worn, the muffled lights from distant fluorescent lamps radiating from the curtained window now looking after our quiet snores.

17 October 2010

The Doctor

"I'm still recuperating from a very hectic and eventful weekend, what's with my best friend's wedding that happened to be the wedding of the year (or decade even) and all the ensuing camaraderie and social obligations.

To be brutally honest with you (and I don't really know how to be diplomatic, because I still believe in being honest all the way), I kind of expected this turn of event in your life. Listening to your story made me realize that something was just not right from the beginning. Anyway, thing has happened. I guess you just have to deal with it, Savoir. Running away is not the answer to solving problems.

Hey, take things positively. All this will make you a stronger and wiser person. Allow yourself to make mistakes, and learn from them. You'll learn how beautiful this life can be, only if you allow yourself to soak in the imperfection of it."

Dr. Elf. - 11 Oct

15 October 2010

Emotional surprise

The fact that you've raised your voice this afternoon doesn't disturb me, BL.

What surprises me was the fact that you actually spurt out some emotions you have been keeping.

That is some progress.

09 October 2010


How would you call a stranger? If somehow, you know one particular information of a person, without communicating directly, or even communicating at all, does that count as a stranger too?

For us, it doesn't take much to know. The eyes, the things he wear, the way he walks, the way he talks... You just know it, by means unknown.

It's a special talent species like us share. Some sensitive, some not so. Still, we're able to sniff it out. Somehow.

* * *

You were standing in front of the line, waiting for your turn, just like all other people waiting for that lunch-time value meal to start. Another weekend in the student-mall. This is lunch hour in McDonalds.

With you, was your girl-friends you know I assume, and of course, I wouldn't notice you if we hadn't know one of your girl-friend. I turned to my friend standing beside me, we both chuckled.

"wah, he's quite obvious oh?"

"mhm... *eyes open wide*"

And the girl-friend of yours turned back and saw us, started a conversation with us. That's your first glance.

* * *

"Ugh, the burger is so bland.."

"Wey, Savoir, notice he kept looking at you?"

"Yeah, I know."

"Yerh, he keep looking when he have the chance! omg.."

You stood up, looking at your palm, thought of washing your hands. And you walk towards our direction, and you walk, you walk, and paused. For awhile, that one moment, you were standing beside our table. Looking at me. That's the second glance - into the eyes.

"Andrew.. did he just flirt with you?"

"Nah. It's a common gay thing."

Then, was the food court. We were waiting for the damned bus. You and your friends are obviously waiting the same thing too.

No, it was not an illusion. I wasn't too vain either. You were just looking at me. Again.

Yes. Yes. Yes. It was that body-fit tee. It was that glass hanging above your nose. It was that lightly highlighted hair. It was the sandals. It was the bag. It was everything you wanted to show. I received that message.

Then, there was this fleeting thought I know we both had. Just the compulsion to smile and say hi. But we didn't had the guts, for the lame excuse we have our "friends".

Or else...

07 October 2010

Falling Leaves (and tinge of bittersweet)

*buzz buzz* *dingle ding*

The morning alarm pulled my lazy eyelids and the usual warm and damp environment in my room welcomes the day.

Reluctantly, I walked towards the window; a quick pull to the curtains aside and the sun wasn't there. This morning has been special, for the sky has been bright greyish but after the clouds, there is blue.

Warm shower doesn't take long and the breakfast, mundane.

Grabbed my bag and out.

Here's where the simple wonder of the day revealing itself. Only If you're out to experience it: It was the wind, at first.

Light breeze brushed the plains of grass and shrubs, trees begin shedding their tired leaves and there it is; the golden snow. All coming down gently touching the grass below one after another. I must say, it was a sightly event; what a moment to start my day!

I closed my eyes, drawing a stomach full of air just to slowly release it. And I smiled. Today, I finally felt it. Life.

This is the first day after you.

06 October 2010


"Yes. Got loads of presentations to prepare. For the time being, I don't think it's appropriate or necessary for us to meet." - Andrew 18:26 4th Oct

"You decide when. Just don't forget that I wanted to see you." - Fd 19:27 4th Oct

* * *

How ironic the campus internet service provider blocked my more public, albeit superficial blog. Adult content? I don't think so. This will be the better reason.

It has been days since I've posted anything relevant to me and Fd. For most part inside, the greying has been irreversible. The damage was there and you didn't even did it, at least not directly.

It's both sinister and interesting how editing a photo album can bring such impact to a person, so much it brings to even thought of breaking up with the one I thought I held so dear just days ago before the airport drama.

The album did stirred shit up, but of all, due days (and nights) of reflections, I realized I can live without you.

I still remember how you gave me that difficult choice between a relationship or nothing at all in that high-rise bookstore cafe. But it doesn't matter anymore, for I have chosen to give up and that hopefully I will not see you again.

Interestingly, I have never wished for such conclusions for my past relationships. Only for your case Fd. And I suppose the reason is because you're not the one at fault?

There's a saying, that it's the matter of time and eventually, a person will forgive you but most important of all, is that you're able to forgive yourself and live through the bitterness. And I tried. Today, it's slowly taking place.

But I do know, people forgive, they rarely forget. (at least not so soon)


It was a mistake I've made. In turn, my decision hurt you and myself. But I have no one to blame and I do not intend to.

After all, who's fault is this anyway?

Good bye, Mr. Fd.
May you fare well in your life.

02 October 2010

Cultural Difference

Apparently views on things vary with age differences even it is just a few years. Or perhaps more likely is the places of where people came from.

Either way, it was a conflict inevitable when it comes to how one does a party, yesterday.

Now, we all knew BL’s birthday is coming very soon, that’s why SGG asked me to retrieve a cake he ordered from Secret Recipe.

Normally, a party I’ve gone through involves some good food, cake smearing and laughter. It might seem childish, however. Gone are the dining ethics, comes the instinct of fun, you live, everyone lives the moment and never look back.

That’s how we do it, and when times are through and you look at those photographs, you’ll know the moments, precious as they are when you see your friends laughter so pure with all it's blissful innocence.

Sadly, not for this case.

I tried pushing up the atmosphere, despite our rather bright and clumsy location. Got BL and SGG’s cheek smudged with lines of chocolate cream and still, not there yet.

Doesn’t matter I say, and then it’s your turn.

I save you for the last not because you’re the best. That’s because you’re a girl. And knowing you thought I knew how you’ll react to this, and there I go with my finger covered with cream.

You went berserk.

Starting to throw cakes, threaten to stain my mp4, and I thought I even see you almost tearing.

You went to the toilet, face all sour, couldn’t find water (so do I when you too spread the cakes on my hair and shirt) and started telling me over the basin about how pissed of you were.

Do you have any idea how I felt instead?

The cake is one thing. I don’t know if the toilet has no water. I am not omniscient. You make it seem like I am a spoilt childish party-freak making a mess out of this party. Telling me how you loathe to take a bath in the night and I ruined that.

For fuck sake, this is a birthday surprise. If it’s an over-the-top, I-have-to-behave, suited up party, we can pick up the phone and call the hotel. Then dress up like a princess and worry no one will tarnish it.

Doesn’t matter because this just reminds how you guys are treating me as a friend.

Personally, I don’t think a friend teases you every single day. What’s worse, it’s that the things you guys say repeats every single day. Take calling me a chicken for example; you guys have been calling me that for almost a month already. Take it to you, how would you feel?

I know you guys are joking. But jokes have a limit and of course over doing it will only annoy a person. I don’t find it amusing at all after like how many times you guys repeated them.

Another thing is how you guys mentioning Fd’s name.

That’s the worst deal. For you guys are partially responsible for telling me how shitty he is; now you guys are making fun of me by bringing him up (after the break up) into little things you guys see.

And you think it’s brilliant.

Call me narrow hearted.
Or the Chinese saying “small gas

But if this were to happen to you;


You don’t want this to happen to you don’t you?

28 September 2010


"As much as I wanted to leave you to your room, for the time being late, but I afraid if I leave that door, I don't think I can come in again." - Fd

little did you know, listening your suicidal thoughts is by far the most childish thing you've ever mentioned.

Just like a bar of polished iron, eventually it will let go it's luster, turning into a pile of rust.

27 September 2010


"wah, that's going to be awfully lot of photos to process later!"

"haha, good luck with you with all the photoshops and all."

* * *

The only things inside my room remains the same after the holidays would be the humidity and temperature. The rest, all a fuzzy blur, especially when you're drenched in torrents of assignment and relationship problems.

Last Saturday was the day we went out for a photoshoot session for your convocation ceremony. I recall you purposely got yourself a haircut for this event. Of course. Who wouldn't love the moment of recognition when you're given a medal on the stage for your achievements? Nevertheless, both you: BL and SGG deserve that medal.

Did I forget to mention you look really good in those short hair?

Yes, I have to admit, the feeling I had for you haven't completely vanished, and taking photos of you in your robes and mortar board for convocation is the least I could do for whatever you've given to me.

Yes, I have to say, the times and laughter during the photoshoot was precious. Especially now that our closest girl-friend in campus finally knew our sexual orientation, making things so much easier to talk about and emotions much free to express.

How I'm going to miss these so much when you guys are done with this place, one day, I will realize I have none to sit with in the busy canteen among one of the afternoons. That's when I know all you guys have went on with your lives.

It doesn't really matter.

"Eventually, I'll find friends.."

I thought.

And more shots are taken during that evening until the sun has set. Fine Chinese dinner is on SGG. Thank him so much for that good meal because I'm starting to catch a cold. And I realised Fd wasn't the person I have in mind to tell.

In fact, I don't even bother to read his blog anymore. Ignorance is truly a bliss.

And that girl-bestie told me:

"Savoir, you're wasting both his and your time. You're lying to him."

* * *

In the midst of a busy day (night actually). I switched on my laptop, and photo-editing is in operation. One by one, each shots are carefully selected and retouched.


It was a minute for me to realize, as my eyes were fixated on the screen, that those was my own warm tears dripping onto the keypad. Reflections upon the not-so-long ago past has finally reached it's toll.

*knock knock*

"Hey Savoir, just drop by to say hi. Can I come in please? I brought you strepsils." Fd trying to smirk.

"Uh.. I'm am in a middle of something."

"Next time then, Savoir" He left without looking back. Again.

19 September 2010

The nagging voice

I should be grateful. I should be content. I should feel lucky. Because you, Fd, are right there on the gate of the arrival hall the moment I turned the trolley with my luggage on it in Senai International Airport this morning.

"So why are you here? Somehow I kinda expected you to be here. I don't know but that's some feeling I have there, inside."

This statement marks the start of all ugly that is today.

* * *

I despise hypocrites like you. Somehow today you pushed me to the limits and you're lucky I'm not in the mood or in a good place today for a fiery hot conversation with you.

I hate your sudden changes in emotions. Trying to cover up things and at the same time wanted me to know that you're breaking down.

The biggest problem today is your reluctance of telling me what occurred exactly 24 hours ago what happened on you. And all you give is that fuck face when you receive me at the airport. Nice. I would rather take the taxi ride alone and stayed in my room to continue my work thank you very much.

I loathe when you can show your ultimate bitter face to me and the next second pretending like nothing has ever happened and makes annoying and silly jokes to drag the time.

Is it absolutely necessary for you to mention recently girls of your past wanting to hook up with you if you have no intentions on them? And you have to make it a point that you don't like gay stuffs yet you go to a dodgy sauna which has "People Like Us" for it's name to find actions, apparently to solve your stress problems.

Don't tell me you missed me a lot when you have so much to miss about with that japanese dude you sent before receiving me at the airport.

No I'm really not jealous. I just hate it when you keep things to yourself.

You wanted to tell me about it, but at the moment you don't feel comfortable telling me about it, and at the same time you're showing me that face begging me to ask you about it. Then you make it yourself so difficult to tell me.

When I asked you again, I really dislike your slam with meaningless and loud answers.

You don't feel like going to Lost Malaya because you're tired whatsoever but you suggested to go Tebrau City which is much further than Lost Malaya. Paying extra. I don't mind really. As long it makes you happy. I thought.

your eyes are red and eye bags are like peanuts. And you ask me how did I know you cried.

Wake up, mr Fd.

* * *

"Good night, Savoir." Fd left without turning back. Obviously bitter with his hundreds of emotion locked in his heart.

* * *

*knock knock knock knock*

I turned the deadbolt with my tired eyes, expecting Fd.

It was really him. Holding a piece of paper - apologetic, and tries with his usual welcoming cheer.

"hey hey hey! I just wanna hug you and say something before I sleep! *smirks*"

"I'm sorry. Too tired."

18 September 2010

The Ring

About two months ago, I blurted the three word sentence to you blatantly on that empty pedestrian overhead bridge in the busy broadway of Jalan Wong Ah Fook.

And what follows was my cruel take-back of the statement by trying to avoid you. At the same time, the selfish side of me keeps nagging that he should be talking to me. Bitch.

So that's why you left me that dead rose. Because this relationship didn't get the chance to bloom.

* * *

"This is it." I said to myself, in the heart. Knowing when he left my room, it's going be his last. I unfurled my fingers and an agate ring rolled and dropped on the cold cement floor. I gave him a ring too, the one he eyes on since I bought it in Malacca.

"So this is my farewell gift. After a year of turbulent struggles and beautiful endeavors." I thought.

10 minutes later,

A series of loud and annoying knocking wakes me up from the haze of events happened earlier. My computer was playing some music I have no mood to listen.

The moment I turned that doorknob, flipped the door and I saw your face. You murmured "I can't sleep" and pulled my head.

Our first kiss. On the poorly lit kaki-lima of my dormitory.

Now the music tunes comes clear. It was jazz. It was a song request for love. Above all, it was Junji Delfino's Here I Am. It has to be there at the right time, right moment.

And then you left. With the smile hanging on your face I haven't seen for a long time.

* * *

"Can you be my boyfriend, Savoir?"

"You do realize that if this didn't work out, we might not be friends after that."

"I am willing to take this risk. And I know you wouldn't want or need me after that."

" Then yes dear. Yes. Yes of course."

* * *

And the ring became an asset. Recalling the ceremony and missing ring on Malacca few months ago.

08 September 2010

Where's the candle?

Selamat Hari Jadi, En. Fd

Thanks to your numerous mention in our heavy conversation. I hope my gift brings something special to your thoughts, my dear.

07 September 2010


*crickets singing in the background*

"The sky's not really clear tonight, Mr. Fd"

Rigid, I stood on a spacious empty car-park not far away from my residence this semester. His silhouette clearly casted a shadow which appears larger as he approached.

"Can't seem to see much stars as I've expected. But you know that's not the point I've ask you to come."

I took the last sip of chilled Vodka contained in my perspiring glass.

"My flight's on tomorrow 8.30 am. I'm leaving at 7."

"Why don't you go to the fields to watch? (you might get better view there due lesser light pollution)"

Hence, we walked towards the unlit football field and sat on the concrete pavements, staring into the sky.

Soon, we realize our position changed horizontal, on the misty floor. Slowly, his face gets closer, and the starlight starts to blur. Our lips touched. Locked tight.

"Don't worry, I won't leave a mark."

For that night, he kept pressing me on the ground, sniffing my neck passionately. Then, a sharp sensation - it wasn't painful as it was properly planted at the place exactly where I want it to be. He bit me. Gently. And move on to lick the spot. Then all over again on another spot. Another side.

Suddenly the stars became a significant object for the night, for the glittering sands of space lit the inner passion of my voided heart.

I love you.

03 August 2010


A lonely stalk of rose with it's petals clasped, promises an inner beauty, was leaning on the corner of a beige wooden door.

It is my door.

It is not from Fd.

Who do you carry, my floral dear?

12 July 2010

The Trip

After a stream of hearty shots from my Nikon has appeared on Facebook, I could say with evidence that the trip was a great one. Everything I suppose goes excellent according to plan if we even have one. Nonetheless, the idea was magical even if it was only a mere three days of photography and romantic adventure in the historic town not very far away from home.

It started off with a piece of rich apricot cheese cake I made for him on our meeting in the bustling, impromptu bus terminal at Bukit Jalil. I remember how you dive your fork hastily to savour every last bit of that dessert right after you left your boring breakfast.

“You know, I place a lot of demands when it comes to food.”

“And, I rarely finish them.”

I smiled.

Simple yet decently dressed, carrying a beaded sack and a loaded LOMO, it’s unmistakably him. My dear Mr. Fd. Almost exactly the way I remembered him since we talked in that lounge over the beautiful sunset.

Suddenly, the choking haze between us since you received the tragic news and my cruel rejection seems like a long past.

We are ready to go.

Highlights of the trip includes I-can’t-count and that is because of the every little things I see, hear, smell and loved so dear. All made possible only with you. I have no idea why, but some things in life do not deserve an explanation. Doesn’t it?

I know you’ve over expected on the chicken rice I’ve brought you to, but the chendol your friend introduced was divine. It was your amiable and facilitative character led us getting close to strangers like the family who sells chendol which I know I will not begin conversations with.

Spacious art galleries, museums and ruins sites are perfect education examples. We both learned a great deal in such places, and I found a moment of solace in antiqued churches. I remember Saint Francis Xavier. It was so pretty with the stained glass and lights.

Malacca is far from quaint. The town is so catered for tourists, even antiqued shops seems so fresh with its new bright paint. When night falls, Jonkers street turns itself into a dazzling light show when paddlers display their items, bars with their patrons and sounds and people mingle around shops across the streets. Light and sound polluted the street with palette of colours.

Eleven is alleged a gay bar by Fd’s friend. So to say, we found out to be quite the contrary. A well mix of gender and so unfortunate we were in the time for world cup 2010. Eyes were glued to the LCD hanging on the wall.

Rhythmic pop was banging and a perspiring bottle of iced Carlsberg was in my hand. A bucket all mine. I was only to one, listening to your story in Japan. Apparently, you flew there for your friend’s funeral, and it seems like you’ve entered another stage of consciousness after that because you’re such a different person now compared to just a few weeks ago in the conference.

You said you realised a lot of things there.

Had your first gay sexual encounter.

Minor details exposed.

You said he tasted like iced lemon tea.

You like the experience.

You realised you have zero sexual interest in me.

*yes I realised that there are only 3 gay men around the entire premise.*

I was obviously disappointed with the environment. I can’t sustain a decent conversation with all that noise and cheers. Holding two bottles of yet-to-be-opened beer, we walk uphill toward the ruins of St. Paul’s church.

My third bottle, we were sitting on top of the hill, on the entrance of the church overlooking the Malaccan glittering cityscape.

“Strange. White birds doesn’t fly at night”

“Don’t like it. Strange things happen when you’re around, Andrew.”

As the lights settle into an amber, I realised I was looking into the night clouds, lying my back on your chest. For a moment, I felt the familiar awkward. Another moment, I felt the hearty warmth I’ve always wanted to experience.

“Let’s go inside the church!”

* * *

It was a quiet night. St. Pauls have not another human figure besides ours as we stood on the nave of the ruins. We can register the path we are about to walk, and on our sides are ancient slabs of engravings for the deceased. They are our witnesses tonight.

“Hold my hand, Savoir”

We walked slowly, towards the altar.


*The bell in the clock tower at Stadhuys rung*

Perfect 12.

We walked out from the church through the chambers, still holding hands. Newlywed.

* * *

After myriads of Malaccan kaleidoscopic scenes, we found ourselves a nibble of time sitting on the riverbank, staring at the bastion’s bricks on the other side. There was no sun; it wasn’t raining either, our vision blurred only by the intensity of materials and emotions carried by us, given to us in less than fifty hours.

“So Savoir, what is our situation now?”

“I don’t know this time, Mr. Fd. I really don’t know.”

Hours later, I was on my way home. I reached my bag for the little black book, flipping through the pages that I kept.

A neatly folded packet dropped out from among the pages. A key, antique, slipped out from that paper pocket.

* * *

I was bedazzled by the varieties of items on display in the beautifully restored Baba house. It is a private museum, well kept a street across Jonkers. The tour guide was computationally professional, seems almost programmed telling us stories and explaining each intricate artefact on display.

There was a shelf of locks and keys neatly arranged, encased in glass.

“Fd, do you know when a person turns 21, the adult will send a golden key as a gift. Sort of like a rite-of-passage into adulthood?”

01 July 2010


Tomorrow I'm going to Melacca with Fd.

Am I ready for it?

Is he ready for it?

The hands of the clock will tell.

27 June 2010

The Pause

The message from you was cold.
Your image finally registered amongst the crowd inside the busy mall of Suria KLCC.
You were not interested for a meal, neither a tea.

You were looking for a gift in Kinokuniya, for someone I have no slightest clue about.
We were sitting facing each other in the cafe.
I was facing the glass panes that displayed the grandeur beauty of the urban garden ahead.

You passed me a paper.
I wrote that to you during the conference.
It’s composed of all Chinese characters.
You demanded me to explain
Word by word
Every meaning deciphered.

Your friend in Japan died tragically
You still love me deeply
I rejected your love
I wanted your friendship
You reluctantly nodded

You left me at the table
Looking into the greying KL skyline

You left me a choice
Or did you?

Wrong move, Honey.

You are more opportunistic than ever since I’ve moved into your place to join the team for preparing the conference, you have been regularly touching me. All over.

At most times, you are so desperate. You even dared yourself to grope my groins and slip in your tongue into mine in the morning where we were both lying right beside our multitude of sleeping friends.

Your hands even went all way inside despite my futile retaliation. For a second, I thought I was Iz. So this was how Iz felt? Nah... Iz does that because that’s his way of stimulating his partner, and that is not the case now.

I never felt so disgusted when I saw your face so close to mine the moment I opened my eyes. With your pimple riddled complexion, your attempt of making it better by applying cream doesn’t make it better – at all.

And you’ve decided not to talk to me after the conference, perhaps due to my rejection coupled with your ego.

Probably it’s a good thing after all. A chocolate cake in the past definitely did not buy you permission to get inside my pants.

20 June 2010


因为, 我更我自








12 June 2010


Since my arrival upon Khai’s house for the conference, I’ve noticed your display of attitude towards me. It doesn’t take a psychologist to realise that you’re deliberately avoiding me in all senses – even including working as a team for the conference.

It doesn’t matter because I understand you.

That status drama on Facebook was a bad misunderstanding between us, though I have to apologise for causing it; and I believe you have taken an additional stab because something horrendous must have happened to you if not a bad news you’ve heard.

You haven’t told me who was it.

Perhaps after the trip to the national museum, you’ve re-evaluated our relationship and decided to again, keep everything by yourself just like how you treat all other AIESECers.

Hours ago, something odd happened.

Your silhouette casted a shadow I cannot ignore. You were right beside me standing while I was working with my Microsoft Word. You quickly asked me if I still have my drinks around me. For a second I wasn’t exactly sure what you meant until I saw your eyes. Red. Tears.

You want my bottle of rum. I lied.

Then I followed you to a place where you were hiding, sitting on the stairs where you know no one can find you.

As I approach..

Your face turned into a slab of granite.

“Yes Savoir, do you have anything to ask?”
“No, then I could use my time to be alone”

You were crying.

This is the second time I’ve heard the legend cry. Probably will be my last.

When the day comes to a conclusion, we snapped into an awkward situation both of us, alone for a good 30 minutes. Only two questions from me and one unanswered.

“Did I betray you somehow?”


“Are we still in this term after the conference?”

21 May 2010

Sharing Bed

Sometimes I wonder, what does it takes for a person to fall for another. Is it all about physical charms? Or maybe it's the inner beauty that takes account for a good relationship to come.

It doesn't matter to me now because currently everything appears to be a fuzz. For the moment, I cannot even distinguish love from lust anymore. You are the only person that makes that line so clearly defined to me Fd. Only you.

I recall so many excuses I made to keep myself away from you. But above all, now I confess, it is because of your looks. You, are simply just not my type.

People said a thousand times before and so far I've heard of is that feelings can grow as time follows. But this, tragically is not the case. But I remember and must say that you are the very best guy I have ever dated, and also the most romantic one.

Reality has never been more cruel.

* * *

It was late night, and you were sitting on the mattress, at the place exactly where Iz slept a week ago. Staring on the corner of my bed, your features painted sorrow and emptiness, like a dog who just finds itself lost from it's owner.

All that was in my heart was gratitude. Thanking you for your presence and assistance to my work. You took your time to follow me to the embassies, having lunch, calling the embassies while I drive on the busy broadways in the heart of Kuala Lumpur, all these despite the fact that you are working as a liaison officer for the 6th WIEF in KL Convention Center and the same time being the chair of our coming conference.

"Are you ok? You seems a little down."

"No, I'm alright"


I was about to sleep thats when you offered to give me a massage. I wanted to decline because we know our situation, but you insist. You said it's the only way to keep yourself occupied.

I know you're very tired, so I give you the massage you deserved. Slowly, while I was pressing my fingers on your back, something strange happened. I heard a muffled chuckle.

"Is it too ticklish?"


Then I realized when the voice became apparent and when you wiped that falling drop from the corner of your eye. I turned off the lights immediately. You pulled my arms around you and we hang on there for a good few minutes. I may not know what was troubling you because you refused to tell me. You only told me this moment you feel safe. I just doesn't want to see you in this emotion anymore, and that I continued to give you that hug.

Suddenly, like a python, you turned your head to deliver that peck on my cheek. I suppose it's a return from the one I gave you on the field under the starry sky.

As time goes by, slowly my eyes are shutting. It was quite uncomfortable when I realized we are sharing the single bed because space is scarce and I know you're watching me. But I tried to sleep.

I said I tried.

I know.

You were hugging me. Closer.

I felt your breathing.

You pressed your lips on mine.

I know.

* * *

The sound of water droplets hitting the floor awakens me. Lights outside the window. The wall clock displaying the time for you to go.

* * *

There you were, walking alone with your red backpack heading towards the new temporary bus station in Bukit Jalil.

I drove past you.

14 May 2010


The last time I had sex was with someone I barely know, but this time he's no stranger.

* * *
Under the torrent of work from AIESEC, and the inner conflicts with the dramas that has been between me and Fd for a time until now; I am thirsty for some sensual, hot action.

This is another story of getting lucky again with someone I had done before.

* * *

A few days ago, he looks into the display of his cellphone for a moment, and quickly punched a message to welcome a flaky-minded friend to his house for accommodation of a night before his departure to the National University of Malaysia for an entrepreneurship conference.

In the midst of people whizzing around the exit of the train station, he finally saw the guest of the day, Iz. In need, he was carrying a load of luggages, apparently just arrived in the center of the peninsula from campus in the south. Under the grey over-casted sky and of drizzle, he quickly helped the guest carrying his belongings to the boot of his ageing red Iswara.

The heavy traffic was a literal leg-ache as the car crawls slowly from the station to his apartment.

The moment when Iz's sight landed on his room, the owner can tell, it was rather unexpected for him for the picture was quite far from the photos the owner took and had put up on Facebook.

Dinner was a simple and pleasant home-cooked food, followed by the guest carrying out his virtual meeting with his committee members, and the hands of the clock are moving faster as the night matures.

Then he called to bed. There the owner lies. Next to his guest. Lights off. Facing him.

"Are you sure you like that girl who stays in Shah Alam?"

"I'm not sure..."

He know his guest expected this, somehow. Probably because he shut his eyes waiting for something to happen. Slowly, from the gentle press of the lips to passionate locking of tongues, desperately plunging into each other as hands wandering around from the top to the bottom.

Now the guest hesitates. For a moment, he thought the guest retaliated because he tries to push him away, but it was too gentle to be a rejection. It was quite obvious to be a method of turning on the owner of the room. He wanted it. Very much.

So does the owner.

We were both half naked and the owner was hugging him when the guest was putting the cap, from the side, he looks around with his eyes adjusted to the ambient light illuminating the room by the streetlight outside. The guest's body lines are defined under the dark blue and occasional stripes of orange - the result of filtered light from the blinds.

First move, and we skipped oral. It was a night where the owner of the room get his first taste of tangy positions other than the tiring missionary due to height differences. Apparently, he is still learning.

But obviously the guest was enjoying the moments considering he had a fulfilling orgasm and came twice without touching himself.

* * *

I opened my eyes and found myself staring at the cellphone display. 9.30am.

Soon, the guest gets up from his mattress below my bed quickly and unexpectedly lied beside me. We cuddled while I found myself staring at the window. The grey world outside appears to dissolve right in front of my eyes as this feeling I long sought finally realized.

I smelled his neck, a peck on his cheek.

He's ready to leave.

01 May 2010

A letter of concern

Because I posted this up in my Facebook status.

lost faith in his own feelings. It's not sad, not disappointed, not remorse, not even pain. It's just, numb. :) - Friday

So, Dr. Elf sent me a letter in Facebook message, concerned about my feelings, he wrote:

Hi there!

How are you doing?

I logged on my Facebook account and the first lines on my News Feed were your name and your status. We have never met, and I hardly know you, except for a few facts (eg : you are an undergrad, you have a penchant for photography and really great at it), but I somehow feel compelled to write this email after seeing your latest FB status.

Is everything alright? I'm not nosy or anything like that, but I tend to have a soft spot for this kind of matter. Are you battling/confused with your own inner feelings?

I used to be like this when I was a medical student a few years back. Like you, I lost faith in my own feelings, not only on matters of love, but it encompassed my faith, my belief, and even my own personal integrity.

Are you in love? I know love can be overwhelming at times. And most of the time, we get confused between love and lust. Lust can be disguised as love, and vice versa. If you are really in love Savoir, keep that feeling inside. Because that’s the most wonderful feeling you will ever have in your entire living life. Whether it is reciprocated or unrequited, it doesn’t matter.

Your friend was asking you whether you cared or you were just avoiding the matter. And I couldn’t agree with him more. There’s always a thin line separating these two. Savoir dearie, don’t worry to love someone, or be loved by someone else. Show to this person how you really feel about him/her. At the same time, be a realist. It’s good to hope, but do not put on too much expectation on something that is not certain. And whatever you do in this world, do not lose your integrity, because your integrity is the one thing that makes you who you really are.

Hey, I hope I’m not sounding like an uncle or auntie to you, giving my worthless two cents. I just thought of sharing my thoughts with you when I saw your status.

Have a great weekend Savoir.

Dr. Elf

I replied:


I have to start this conversation with a subtle thank you because after reading your message, truly I felt so much better. Of course, your words are no aunt's or uncle's because they are everything but superficial. I must say, you're good in words! :)

Anyway, I find that you are right about my situation because you make me realized my problem.

Previously, I was unsure about the reason why I am feeling "numb" but now I do. It was frustration. The frustration of not getting what you want and the ones that I do not intend keep coming.

True, somehow I am avoiding the matter. By ignoring the ones and by shrugging my feelings off. But it's the best anesthetic I could afford. (you could get me a better one considering your career. :P)

Joking of course. But, ultimately, the point is that I am now confused between love and lust. I confess, I have a high sexual drive and I am actually keeping it down for months. The last one I had makes me pine for him and the strange thing is I couldn't make it clear as if I wanted his sex or the relationship because deep inside, I felt something empty because it has been some time since my last relationship.

Thing is, that person is not a random stranger, neither my family member. He was rather a really close friend of my girl pal. And at the mean time, he is also a deprived person, both physically and in terms of relationship.

The last thing I received from him after our bed encounter is: "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. Do you think we can work it out together?"

I don't blame him. After all, we just met thrice.

At the mean time, I have another person going so crazy after me pouring me all sorts of attention but I have no sexual interest on him what so ever.

Oh, and that is another long long long story... :/

p.s: Thanks for the wish and the compliment. hope to hear from you soon.


30 April 2010


Night is falling, and he picks up the mouldy-looking towel I handed to him and started cleaning himself from the cum drippings all over his tired body. Looking into my eye, a charming smile and stands up, grabbed a worn casual shirt and quickly put it on. So did myself in his room.

* * *

Simon dear, I remember you as long as Pam knows you when she was experiencing her first semester in your college. The first encounter we had was over Pam’s blog having conversation about getting a tub of sour-cream in Malaysian market, and it was there I noticed you are a great buddy to Pam.

Of course I didn’t know you are gay. It didn't even came into our minds.

Not even when Jin and I asked Pam to consider you as her boyfriend when she replied “No la, it’s impossible”

Then, during my last semester break, Alexis told me she had a senior by the name of Simon who is gay. That truly opened my eyes because you certainly do NOT look like one. Well, at least not on Facebook. Definitely not on our previous short conversation or should I use a more precise word – encounter.

Quite naturally, I added you as my friend in Facebook and you approved. Remember we had our first conversation wall-to-wall and Pam interfered? You told me she exclaimed “why are you talking to Savoir!?”

You didn't specifically tell her the reason, but I’m sure we both know it well, deep within ourselves.

Oh yes, and I’ve casually asked you for a date when I returned to Subang after my second semester. Actually I mean it, and I know you wanted to see me too.

“Hi, I’m the hooker next door. *wink*” – Via sms 1.29am 20.04.2010

So, we met. Just a few days ago we had our first date at The Pyramid. Honestly, the dinner was overpriced but I know the meal is a small price to pay for me to see you in real life. After the dinner, I sent you home with the lovely City thanks to my parents’ trip to China for a week. It was a golden opportunity for me to have any sort of physical contact with anyone at that period but none what so ever occurred.

I was close though – Calvin gave me a booty call but I turned him down, having sex with my first ex after two years of breaking up without much communication sounds very much tacky to me.

Nothing happened that night though I receive more messages from Simon than ever before. He asked if I am free on another day because he wanted another dinner date. This time, over his place and he’ll be the the one preparing it. I gladly obliged. After all, I want to see the chef in action thanks to Alexis’s impression.

Thursday, we went to Carrefour to get the groceries and hit his place early to prepare dinner. His place is the standard student’s dorm. All his housemate are his course mates and I doubt they had the slightest feeling that Simon’s gay. Whatever.

It was a great meal without proper dining tools and cutleries. Whatever it is, the dinner was nice. We were sitting facing each other over a small table with whole three course meal set on 3 generic plates in his room. At some instances, we even have to use our hands to grab the food. Dirty, but fun!

That night, we were obviously flirting on each other with the postures, eyes and sight. But again, nothing happened. Perhaps we are not ready for it but subconsciously we were giving out signals and I am sure he is very aware.

Tuesday, we decided to meet up again. It was a rainy evening and I picked him up from the new Taylors lakeside campus heading towards Pyramid. We were there only for about an hour picking up a glass of fruit juice then suddenly we changed our mind having dinner at Mentari. I remember we were sitting at the lounge of the fruit juice stall staring into each other. Simon is good with dressing up formal, body fit with charming face. He snapped me a wink. With the sexy glasses he wore, I know I’ll regret if I still keep my lust under control.

The dinner was practically a waste of time.

I am in his room, sitting on his miserable mattress on the floor as he puts up some cheery Korean music and pulled the curtain. I switched off the light, turned; looking into his eyes longing for a good sexual session and pulled his head closer to mine...

“Oh.. You were really horny. I was soaked in your saliva! Hahaha!!” – Via sms 12.18am 28.04.2010