29 March 2010


The very reason why I've blocked this blog, making it to my eyes only because you found my blog and read it.

On a message to me in Facebook as titled "A visit to your chapel", you wrote:

"I blame it on fate. That i saw your blog title the time i was at your room, and your facebook status tonight, and i decided to search for your chapel. It took me a few tries (13 strings of words ranging from 'sanctuary' , 'solitude', till finally i remembered, 'solace') before i found it. i apologise for the intrusion.

Halfway through your life episodes, i understand your side of the story more. Although my feelings are the same, i wish to let you know that i do not wish to 'bully' you into making any kind of decision. i stay true to my words that being nice to you (in any form, physical or surreal) brings me happiness simply for the sake of it.

i suggest you enjoy my attention because i believe you deserve it (yes, i mean you can be all Yzma like because your wishes are my command)(well maybe not all, but i will try)(and it doesn't hurt to rasuah me with a certain flavoured sundae from a certain fast food restaurant chain)

because you see, after you left, i talked to the stars myself (with a side of coke and fries delivered) and realised i never had the intention to 'hunt' you in the first place.

we went to Lost Malaya because u wanted to see the gallery and i wanted to see the building.we talked because I'm a good student and you like to give physics lectures (pfft.) we had perfect nights because I'm a Greek God and i control some part of the universe. i drew u because your smile moved me. i give you that quicksilver because i knew you'd love it (ain't it the ultimate surrealism+physics geek). that is all.

i enjoy your company (not the constant finger flicking) and hopefully u enjoy mine as well. so don't worry about any relationships bullshits (like us being in a commitment or whether we'll see each other or not) cause after all you've been through, i think you ought to be happy just for the sake of it.

i apologise for the lengthy message! and damn it if i can wake up in time later.

uh...and honestly, i let a bit of my experimenter side in when i asked about kissing ya.so maybe i deserve a punishment for that."

Now you've grown dull Fd. I needed my privacy and you've trespassed it. However I forgive you. Only this once because I understand it's partially my fault for posting "going to my chapel" in Facebook after what has happened that night on that starry field.

Now I felt sorry for myself.

26 March 2010


Of course everything didn't just stop after that incident on the floating dock.

Yesterday you invited me for a dessert in Secret Recipe. How could I resist a piece of cheesecake with you, Fd, especially I just had the last test before finals. So, two good reasons. Besides, you told me you have something to give me, so I figured.

The dinner was great, when we sat comfortably on the sofa, I remember we were still debating about whether tomato is a fruit or a vegetable. Then you flipped your notebook and slipped me a page of what looks like a tear-out from your book. A glance on it immediately registered something familiar. It is a sketch, of myself sitting, looking at the "camera lens". It was a photograph from that Kota Tinggi trip. You've taken the time I'm sure.

Suddenly that image became special. Because of the careful lines. Because of the details. And above all, because it's from you.

That same late evening, we stopped at the same place again. The floating dock. But the feelings was much different because both of us quite clearly know our stance. The one thing I am glad is that things are not as awkward as I thought. In fact, it went beautifully. Literally.

We were dipping our feet into the water, looking onto the glass like sheet reflecting the lights emanating from that half lit moon. The scene can't be more surreal, I thought. We sat there, talking until we saw the gems of the Southern Cross. I recall you were telling me the legends regarding the features on the lunar surface.

Sipping the bottled mix of Gin, we talked till late night. Never once I've talked to a person in such settings at such hours. I guess, you are starting to interest me. Albeit rather slowly.

But I know we will not cross that line.

* * *

Heaven blessed the campus with a heavy pour of rain in the afternoon today. I know it's a great time to take a walk after that in the late afternoon. About six I've left my sleepy room.

Naturally, I've arrived at your place which is about three kilometers from mine. Amusingly, it doesn't felt as long as it used to be. Still, I doubt it's you.

Anyway, the dinner between me and Iz (yes, he stays there if you remembered the last encounter) was fine. You joined later while Iz left early for his meeting. The dinner was almost pointless because we know I'm coming to your room after that. Again, you said you have something to pass onto my hands.

Lucky person got a double room by yourself. That's not the point. You handed me a brown notebook. It was a giftbook from Starbucks. Reading your scribbles and doodles sends pulses strange feelings inside me. Perhaps you are more gayer than I thought. Yes, yesterday night you've told me you're virgin to guys and you've fucked a girl when you're 15.

Who cares.

Then you handed me a box. A translucent plastic box with a small bottle in it containing something shiny. Liquid. Mercury! A little red seed floats on it and you wrapped the cap with a nice golden thread and labeled the bottle "drink me". I guess you took my love for surrealism seriously eh?

Whatever the feeling was, I know above it was thrill. You've hit the g-spot. How much I've dream of getting myself a bottle of mercury but the question was how did you get those?!

I guess I'll never know.

Continuing reading your notes revealed you're a more sentimental and worldly person than meets the eye. Now I see why so many people admire you, with respect, to the point of almost worshiping your capacities. You are so sentimental at times revealing your inner child in some of the stuffs you've collected. Dreamy as it is, as you are.

Later, a few episodes of South Park, I noticed you wasn't paying attention to the screen. I know I must leave, then you finally asked.

"Savoir, Can I kiss you?"

Of course not my dear. I do not intend to inflict more pain to myself and you as well. In such case you've brought, I'll rather us stay as friends because I know, you are a character that is very much difficult for me to forget and I would love to keep the platonic love sort of feelings between us.

Millions of emotions are in this one. And I'll rather not think about it. Why I cannot fall for you.

We left and you brought me to a place where you claimed to stargaze with your naked eye. True enough. I gasped upon sight. As we lay on the cold concrete strip on the spacey football field, the sky was a deep blue screen thanks to the bright moon. I can barely see Orion's sword but I would bet I saw a wishing star.

It was there you were beside me. So close yet so far. I've told you the reason why I think it's difficult for me and hence I feel very guilty over those gifts. Your comforting words just makes me feel worse. Contradicting, but it's how things work. Isn't it?

I finally know bits and pieces about your background. Why you refused to tell people about your hometown. Because you had none and I am in upmost sorry to hear that. Looking into the gentle silks of cirrus clouds, like a paintbrush laying gentle dyes on a blue canvas.

I gave you a kiss on the cheek. Finally.

17 March 2010

That was a "lil" unexpected

You confessed your feeling to me just a moment ago at this place where starlight illuminates the sky where we were at that floating dock on our campus lake.

Considering your sexuality as bi-curious, I never expected you will say you're confused when you're with me, Fd.

I know you've taken a lot of challenge, experienced, having an awesome life. To me, you are really a great person, a great leader, talented, daring, opinionated and yet I feel that there are so much things about you personally that I have yet to find out. Whatever you told me was really, surprising and this is the third time I emphasized my expression.

Forgive me. It was really too sudden. Besides, I find it rather disturbing that you intended to kiss me on that night when we were in Kota Tinggi. Honestly, I thought you were like, straight. Except having that slight inclination to try something out of the box.

I guess I was a little too irresistible eh?

"Andrew, I have to tell you this. I think you're making me confused. I just wanna say that I don't want you to be my experiment. (referring to our last conversation about a guy you "observe") Honestly, on appraisal night, when I ask you out, for a moment I have thought of kissing you."

I'm sorry for my only response was merely a smile. But you know my answer, Fd. You know.

08 March 2010

Simple Outing

He's a person who dares to endeavor almost anything that he discovers. A senior of mine in AIESEC, outgoing, occasionally seeping out the flamboyance in him. He became quite a friend of mine - Fd.

He was the first person I came out to in that student organization during the first seminar/conference last year. The first impression was that he is a great person, rational and fearless leader.

But our first true conversation start out in a bus on our way back to campus from that seminar and it goes like this:

"So Savoir, tell me what is your favourite sexual position?"

* * *

Last week, I saw a friend added himself as a fan of "Lost Malaya Gallery & Lounge" in Facebook. As soon as I viewed their page, almost intaneously I fell in love with it's concept. It seems they modified a bungalow to a lounge. In addition, a myriad of fantastic photos taken by the owner around Malaysia are displayed on a gallery, all under one roof! Best of all. The theme was set in pre-independence Malaya so there are plenty of reason why I became their fan.

Fd then nudged me on my profile asking me if I have been there before. Of course not, but I would love to go out with him since I think he is an interesting person twas the awesome place I would want to check out. A convenience.

So, our journey starts from 4pm yesterday, took a bus ride to JB and stopped right after Danga Bay. The house was a little further up and faces the Singapore straits.

We were welcomed by that huge double-storey chateau. The architecture of that place was unmistakably English. Authentic, newly painted, the house was almost devoid of people. Upon entrance, there are the familiar photo gallery on the right. Upstairs you have the roomy bar and a place for a game of pool. The owner was there and that nice chap allowed us to borrow a few of the antiquities on the shelf to play with.

And we talked. Fd and me spent almost two hours there chatting away together with the bartender. Wait. I don't remember if it's two hours because time simply slipped. The only sign we knew it was late was the sun hanging low on the horizon. God, I love that breezy wind from the sea and that old jazz simply completes the scene.

Fd paid everything. So, then we walked along roadside into a wealthy suburb talking away. It was going uphill but none felt tired as we were so drawn into our conversations.

We came across a house I remember Mk stopped to pick up Justin. That was another dreamy story of the past which I shall not digress to. But whatever it is, the evening was perfect as we continued talking our way into a bus leading us to City Square as the sky slowly turns into a pale dark blue. We loitered around that shopping mall for quite some time visiting bookstores, toy shops, still chatting while looking for dinner.

The topic of the conversation went fuzzy now because of the volume of things we had shared. It was interesting because he is a muslim yet possesses such open mind to talk about things like religion and science, god, sex, gay stuffs, kama sutra, et cetera.

Dinner at Stone Grill and the conversation went more exciting. As far as I could tell, I appreciate the time I spend with someone like him. It has been weeks since I had such conversations. Truly, I never felt easy finding someone who I can truly click with.

And thanks for that homoerotic CD. That was really thoughtful of you! :)

04 March 2010

What about you?

It has been almost three quarter of a year since I know you, BL. You are the only person so far who gave me the best academic guidance since the very month I came into this campus and certainly amongst the first who I found out on your sexuality.

Or is it you who found out about me? Whichever way doesn't matter now because knowing each other already is good. Except for the little scandal going on behind your boyfriend who loved you so very much.

I never felt so much like a cheap slut after knowing the dramas I've caused.

I must confess that the first time I saw you, you triggered me to take the first move because you seemed to have almost all what I am looking for: fair skin, decent height, speaks English and physics educated. So, we did many things prior anything sexual which includes jogging, walking about the campus, lunch and dinner.

Until this one day after the long walk I decided to stay over in your room for a night for whatever mundane reason I gave. Obviously it has nothing to do with academics. I know, we both felt that urge to engage into something stimulating before we even entered your room, but what I didn't expect was our lips locking on your bed while your room mate is sleeping!

I guess both of us are desperate for affection eh?

Because of the kiss and the stuffs we did together, my feelings for you escalated from a hang-over due to the boy to someone I want to share myself with. For a while, I fell for you. Until SGG told me he's your boyfriend and not just a partner.

What happened next was a blur. Because so many things had happened in that short amount of time. All I can pick up now is that at one point, SGG discovered we had this thing going on and invited me to his room to talk about it. Your relationship and his was getting worse to the extend I find what happen next very ironic - SGG actually seeks comfort from me.

From that point, I know what has to be done. SGG is devoted to you and I cannot waste that under my conscience. I promised him so long I am his friend, I will not further this relationship and decided to fade away from our relationship.

But why did you choose me over him?

One day, you came over to my place for a night. The next morning after you left, he called. His voice was defeat. Utter defeat. As I could hear him mumble, begging me not to rob BL away from him.

Days gone by and frustration took place. obviously he tried dismissing you in his life and at one point he tried his best not to talk to you, treating you no more than a common roommate (yes, now you moved into his room too). as expected. You can't take it.

That evening you came over without any trace of smile on your face. I knew something will happen after the dinner when you will come over to stay at my place. True enough. As lights were dimmed, warm droplets of tears begin to drop, followed by that painful sob. Hugging you tight, sharing my shoulder to comfort you, I see myself as a whore.

That marked the end of our pseudo-romantic relationship.

And a new beginning towards a unique kind of friendship.