30 April 2010


Night is falling, and he picks up the mouldy-looking towel I handed to him and started cleaning himself from the cum drippings all over his tired body. Looking into my eye, a charming smile and stands up, grabbed a worn casual shirt and quickly put it on. So did myself in his room.

* * *

Simon dear, I remember you as long as Pam knows you when she was experiencing her first semester in your college. The first encounter we had was over Pam’s blog having conversation about getting a tub of sour-cream in Malaysian market, and it was there I noticed you are a great buddy to Pam.

Of course I didn’t know you are gay. It didn't even came into our minds.

Not even when Jin and I asked Pam to consider you as her boyfriend when she replied “No la, it’s impossible”

Then, during my last semester break, Alexis told me she had a senior by the name of Simon who is gay. That truly opened my eyes because you certainly do NOT look like one. Well, at least not on Facebook. Definitely not on our previous short conversation or should I use a more precise word – encounter.

Quite naturally, I added you as my friend in Facebook and you approved. Remember we had our first conversation wall-to-wall and Pam interfered? You told me she exclaimed “why are you talking to Savoir!?”

You didn't specifically tell her the reason, but I’m sure we both know it well, deep within ourselves.

Oh yes, and I’ve casually asked you for a date when I returned to Subang after my second semester. Actually I mean it, and I know you wanted to see me too.

“Hi, I’m the hooker next door. *wink*” – Via sms 1.29am 20.04.2010

So, we met. Just a few days ago we had our first date at The Pyramid. Honestly, the dinner was overpriced but I know the meal is a small price to pay for me to see you in real life. After the dinner, I sent you home with the lovely City thanks to my parents’ trip to China for a week. It was a golden opportunity for me to have any sort of physical contact with anyone at that period but none what so ever occurred.

I was close though – Calvin gave me a booty call but I turned him down, having sex with my first ex after two years of breaking up without much communication sounds very much tacky to me.

Nothing happened that night though I receive more messages from Simon than ever before. He asked if I am free on another day because he wanted another dinner date. This time, over his place and he’ll be the the one preparing it. I gladly obliged. After all, I want to see the chef in action thanks to Alexis’s impression.

Thursday, we went to Carrefour to get the groceries and hit his place early to prepare dinner. His place is the standard student’s dorm. All his housemate are his course mates and I doubt they had the slightest feeling that Simon’s gay. Whatever.

It was a great meal without proper dining tools and cutleries. Whatever it is, the dinner was nice. We were sitting facing each other over a small table with whole three course meal set on 3 generic plates in his room. At some instances, we even have to use our hands to grab the food. Dirty, but fun!

That night, we were obviously flirting on each other with the postures, eyes and sight. But again, nothing happened. Perhaps we are not ready for it but subconsciously we were giving out signals and I am sure he is very aware.

Tuesday, we decided to meet up again. It was a rainy evening and I picked him up from the new Taylors lakeside campus heading towards Pyramid. We were there only for about an hour picking up a glass of fruit juice then suddenly we changed our mind having dinner at Mentari. I remember we were sitting at the lounge of the fruit juice stall staring into each other. Simon is good with dressing up formal, body fit with charming face. He snapped me a wink. With the sexy glasses he wore, I know I’ll regret if I still keep my lust under control.

The dinner was practically a waste of time.

I am in his room, sitting on his miserable mattress on the floor as he puts up some cheery Korean music and pulled the curtain. I switched off the light, turned; looking into his eyes longing for a good sexual session and pulled his head closer to mine...

“Oh.. You were really horny. I was soaked in your saliva! Hahaha!!” – Via sms 12.18am 28.04.2010

20 April 2010


Fd, why are you still doing these?

That day you were asking for my address I know you'll either come to my place or send something to me but since I know you have no ill intentions so I gave it to you.

This morning has been a dizzy one even though the hours of sleep are adequate. Somehow I still felt lightheaded. I was in front of my laptop, in my brother's room, going through Facebook and blogs just like an old man doing his obligatory morning news reading.

Then someone knocked the door.

Who can it be? My brother went to college this morning and won't be back at least afternoon. It couldn't be my neighbours because I know they don't really bother my return. Then it all revealed to be a relatively short malay man with an orange cap, passing me a palm sized rectangular parcel. I quickly signed it and hurried into my room to open the box.

It was from no one else other than you, Fd. You make a box out of a keyboard cardbox and in it you put the sweetest things. Literally.

There, you have me. A jar of home-made cookie, a tiny teddy, a few medical plaster patches and two pieces of paper. It turns out that you baked those cookies using traditional methods (Kluang Style using firewood) and asked me to be careful on my coming art project - hence the plasters.

The teddy is my bodyguard, you cheekily named him Billy. Is it a coincidence? I thought I told you about my case and BL. You know.

another piece of paper was an invitation to an art exhibition in KL Convention Centre on May. You know I love arts, again, you've hit the spot, knowing it's very hard for me to say no. Yes, I promised you a met up in KL.

* * *

A torrent of dreamy story was told to SK and KC. They were amazed, and somewhat demotivated by how that guy can be so passionate loving and romantic in making gimmicks to a person because they feel that they are incapable of such thoughts themselves.

I am lucky.

I am expensive - Jual Mahal

09 April 2010

Group Dinner

Suddenly, my Facebook status was flooded with Fd's and Khai's comments. Apparently, they were discussing about my mysterious dinner outing in KL - with my dear Alexis.

Sad for Khai, for he is completely oblivious about Fd - the person right next to him who knows dear, are the one that's constantly pursuing me. Kept thinking, it seemed to bothered him a great deal and at the same time falling for me.

Somehow, with the participation of another person, the conversation leads to a dinner with fellow AIESECers.

So, night, Khai came and brought us to a restaurant. Dinner was fun, dessert was great. I loved the moments all of us having fun yet folds of emotion runs under the table. Everyone has an agenda, harmless but purposeful. Especially for Fd, Khai and Iz who somehow make himself appear with my boss!

After the dinner, a few of us decided to crash Khai's room. I've always wanted to visit his quarter thanks to the photo he posted on Facebook - an utter love den, well furnished with side table, rug and pillows.

Talk about bed comfort!

We were in his room in KTGB for a while, then other guys wanted to crash Iz's room for its in the same block. I stayed Khai's room instead. Iz's? Been there, done that.

So, while I was in Khai's room..

Noticeably, he's physically approaching me. I was sitting on his chair and a hugging arm came from behind. Before I know it, he put his face next to mine and I could feel his breath. Upon asking, the door was cleverly locked.

Opportunistic you too, Khai!

Well, it didn't quite last as the gang came back about a few seconds later and we are to leave. I bet he must be completely turned off.

Later, when I've reached my room, I received these:

"I'll try not to comment on your profile too often... but I'm not sure for how long cause my time won't start without thinking of you." - Fd

"Hey man, you have started my fire just now. Just feel like want to have you in my room tonight! Anyway, good night! Good luck for your coming papers!" - Khai

08 April 2010

In The Mean Time

As per say, I'm facing this:

Eky (Khai): By the way, I want to apologize to you that I din't go and "claim" you back when you were dragged to the other tables that night. Really sorry about that. Luckily nothing happen or else I will not forgive myself. Really sorry about that!

Me: O_O what for? Let me guess, you just read my blog?

Eky (Khai): Smart ass! That day I thought that you will be fine and you just went there for a while. So just let you be lor. I do not know that you were not comfortable to be with them. But don't worry, if you were to stay there any longer, i will definitely get you back. Hihihihi..... Sorry........

Me: LOL! hahahaha i'm ok. It's just that their approach towards me is wrong. They and me are both worlds and there's a huge difference. But really, going out and experience all these was definitely fun! no worries! :)

Eky (Khai): By the way, mind me to ask? Who are you in love with wor? Curious la.....heheheheh!

Me: hahahahaha! no.. no no no. That i'll have to keep it in myself. I'm very sorry for that. :)

Eky (Khai): That means there is someone la. Cheh.....still thinking of dating you tim..... Seems like no chance edy.....haih........

Me: That's to your interpretation.

Eky (Khai): You are confusing me la! By the way, when is your last paper ya? Want to go for dinner together? La pasta in Tun Aminah. I am not sure if you have been there. Quite nice one. Want to go?

Me: well, unfortunately my last paper is also my last day in UTM for this semester. My dad's picking me up at 1pm after my paper at 12pm. How about this saturday evening instead?

Eky (Khai): This Saturday ar? Sorry la, cannot. Got old people reunion. Alish is coming down. Your last paper is on 14th right?

Me: 16th. Thermodynamics. Killer. What's the plan?

Eky (Khai): That means 14th night cannot?

Me: Lunch or dinner on 14th?

Eky (Khai): Dinner

Me: Ok then!

Eky (Khai): Only two of us you know? If ok then see you on 14th April. I will fetch you at 7pm, casual wear will do. And Good luck for your final exam!!!!

Me: yeah sure. See you then! :)

Eky (Khai): Savoir, one thing to ask you. Why it is so hard to define you ya? A fusion of angel and devil.........I am really do not know how to read you. Erg.......geramnya! Can you please be kind enough to tell me what you are thinking ar? Hehehe!


Your un-healthy habits

As time follows, you begin to fall into that pit. I must say I am very eager to save you from the trouble but the problem is that every time I try so, my appearance makes the condition worse because I am the cause itself!

Should I choose to ignore you and your urging requests from now and onwards?

Look at yourself, Fd! You've never posted these on your Facebook status before, you seemed a little too pathetic to me. Just a little, for now. But, I'm very sure it will escalate if you continue blatantly showing your affection towards me.

"Fd has you in mind. yeap, you." - 11 hours ago

"You're the coca to my cola" - Yesterday at 1.10

"Knowing that you were missed is like finally getting that hug. But i'd still like to have a hug too next time." - Tuesday at 22.24

"日の出の前にが, 雨が降っているが, 日没の後でが, 愛は信仰の種類もの" - 4th April at 10.59

"Fd finished reading the whole blog. All 209 posts" - 3rd April at 1.54

Despite my clear message to you that I have no intention for an intimate sort of relationship with you, your actions continue. I think it's all my fault now. Myself contributing every bit of your feelings.

To a personal message you sent me:

"btw, just in case you're wondering, Savoir, YOU are the coca to my cola."

What were you thinking?

Should I continue my presence? Should I be bothered? Should I even bother?

Remember Fd, there are tonnes of reason why I don't want a courtship with you. You may say those are excuses. But those are my excuses!

03 April 2010

Chinese Gay Pub

I remember myself, holding your hand because you hold mine on Khai's car after all that I have experienced in that Chinese Gay Pub in JB.

Opportunistic you, Fd!

* * *

It was an invitation I can't remember when Khai texted me. But I do know last night, our journey was a much pleasant one. We were inside Khai's Toyota, contemporary music, two other senior ladies in AIESEC and Fd. I must say I was amused watching the passenger's emotion because they knew they are going to a gay scene for the first time as they discussed about the possibilities of things bound or might happen later.

We arrived at the place about half an hour later, parking the car, walking through that street of shops before we arrived at a flight of dimly lit stairs that leads us ultimately to the destination.

At first sight, the pub was a horrible nightmare due to the fact that we were the only customers in the house. We considered leaving almost too soon until suddenly another crowd blended in. The guy from that group of four saw Fd went crazy. They knew each other. And what coincidence they bump into each other here! Little did he and the three girls know that they are crashing a gay bar until Fd told them about an hour later.

They must have felt so strange after that. Especially the girls.

On the other hand, me and Khai were sitting curled on a corner. His hands were moving, getting full of physical contacts on me and I know Fd was watching in envy. Most of the time we spent sitting at the cushion watching the TV, listening to people singing karaoke. Sometimes when it's our song, I recall, we were singing as if no one was there. Never felt so carefree.

Then, the attentions we make. Or myself at least. I know it's so much about vanity there at the pub because people are looking around for others. And I know myself constantly being watched. Khai told me lots of things about the guys tonight and I couldn't agree less.

Finally, one guy pulled us out to a varandah. He's a plump, with bleached fringe and tight tees accompanied by another lean guy with white caps. We were almost being dragged to the sofa, with no one around except the two of them. Then they started to interrogate Khai, asking his current well being and some boring stuffs. Out of the blue, he pushed Khai on the sofa, sandwiching me. Strangely, I wasn't afraid. Perhaps I expected these stuffs are bound to happen, and there, thankfully nothing happened. But that plump guy didn't want to let me go when we decided to leave. He was pulling my arms, closer to the sofa, expecting something sleazy.

It was later I found out from Khai that he was the owner of the pub and knows the both of them. Our group received free refill of drinks that night and that only means the boss is onto either one of us.

Definitely didn't work that way for him for that's the wrong move! hah!

Most patrons there are about their late twenties to mid thirties that night when the crowd started to build, still, only a small amount compared to the usual days according to Khai. Later, I started to notice more people are looking at our direction, specifically me and Khai. They are waiting for a moment of chance when the girls left for the washroom.

True enough. When Khai was gone, one guy approached me asking if I can go over to their table on the other end. My heart began beating fast as we know they are looking at us for some time already. The scary part was they are composed of relatively "fierce" looking chinks.

Despite instinct screaming danger ahead, still, I crossed over, sitting on their couch. There were a group of four men, the elder one standing, freak smiling at me. The one with long hair was the one kept asking my details. I didn't know how did I managed to gather my balls to say no! But thank heavens they are cool about it, albeit disappointed. I still remember they were offering me beer and I took them, quickly.

Soon I realised it was a mistake because they kept pouring and I have to keep drinking. Then I know it's time to leave that place. I stood, and say I'll be back again - finger crossed.

Not long after that, lightheaded-ness strikes without warning. Before I know it, I started to speak loudly, more movements. Immediately, my group of friends went so concerned, with fear that they might have spiked my drink. But I was there and I was about sure they didn't add anything but who can say?

The sensation was almost stimulating. I finally get why people want to go drunk. Not as in the wasted kind of drunk, but more of a subtle tipsiness. My head was spinning, I was perfectly aware of my actions but I can't exactly fully control all of it. I see myself having the gut doing things I usually won't and for this as my first time, I have only my new friends to thank, for they make sure I did not do anything foolish.

I heard one of the girl said "lets finish the drinks and we leave, it's about time". She was the protective one. Even though we just met, she stopped me from myself drinking more. I was hovering my hands over the table looking for my glass and she passed me a cup of Coke instead. I told them I was aware, putting aside the boring Coke.

Then it was almost over. The guys on the other edge of the pub are getting excited, so is the boss. We know its time to leave. I remember I can't walk straight. For the first time, I experienced being drunk. Glad that there's no vomit. Wasn't that tipsy!

The scary part was the moment when we realize we couldn't really leave the pub when the boss sets up a table on the stairway blocking us. We managed to pass through that however and then we came upon something worse: the door was locked.

A gasp from one of our girl.

In a quick thought, I twisted another knob on the left side, another door is opened. Finally managed to leave the place.

We then went to McD for refreshments, finally reached my room about 4am this morning after getting my matric card scanned for being late. Yes, we still has curfew. Stupid campus.

02 April 2010

The Bad Habit

Is that I haven't learned anything from the feelings I had for the boy. This time he's a boy older than myself three years and working now in Singapore. I know things are going to be difficult if I put feelings into this one but I don't care. Andrew, Why are you doing this to yourself?

Don't you ever learn?

Last year you fell so deeply for the boy and now learning he had a partner and when you finally able to let him go, you're smitten by another crush. Unhealthy as the last and which you've driven yourself into yet another emotional abyss. Yes you dumb ass.


This time he's are the one who found you in Facebook.






So, you meet up with him in City Square today which is almost a stone throw away from Singapore. As the bus glided through the heavy traffic, you can't help but thinking how he is going to appear in reality, his voice and his demeanor.

You were waiting for him in front of Levi's and you wandered why is he late despite his message flashing on the display of your phone received about half an hour earlier:

"I'm in Singapore custom. Waiting to cross the border. See you."

You waited for about 15 minutes, unhappy, you sent another message to him telling your location to his Malaysian number. He called up almost instantaneously. First sound transmitted from that earpiece was a crispy clear voice telling you that he's in Old Town, wanting you to meet up with him and asks you politely in courtesy of other appearance of guests.

Feeling that it could be awkward, still, you braved yourself to see him because you know you wanted to by all means thanks to the profile photos he had uploaded in Facebook. I guess this is the crush-based-on-photographs thing you thought shallow people experience. No doubt, you think that you're shallow now. But it has been in you since ever. Since the last case. Since the boy.

The moment you saw him in that cafe, You could have sworn that you've jumped. He couldn't looked more like the boy than you have thought. And that you are waiting anxiously for his first words.

He smiled and said hi.

And led you to the table with another girl, staring into your eyes peculiarly. She asked him how did he know you. I think it might had been embarrassing for him because he told her you were his junior when later you revealed your course and campus. But it didn't seem to bother him. I guess it's nothing after all or you're just being too insensitive.

The lunch was nice and simple. Later her friends came, granting you the freedom to talk to him as they went away, the last of the group left him a strange look, a signal towards something I think I'd understand at that very moment. It was very obvious.

Then our conversation was in a constant excited mode. Cheery just like the boy talked to you. But better. I think he's less judgmental. For the first time, Savoir, you compared a person, now particularly on the one you're interested.

Even after an hour or so, the conversation is still in that constant heightened sensation even though the contents are getting rather general and sometimes even mundane. You wonder what kept him in that state and hoped and prayed it was because of you - remember, he bought you lunch and coffee.

Then we headed to MPH, browsing through the budget books hoping to salvage a few good read and there you were quite obsessed flipping through the collections while he's basically loitering around for entertainment. That was such a disappointment. What are you thinking?

Maybe it's because you know there's almost nothing else to talk about anymore.

Seriously. Just look into his eyes and features is enough. He is getting closer to the boy. Am I looking for a replacement?

Then we went to another cafe, and talked. His friends were right about him in Facebook that he's talkative. No doubt, much amiable than I thought. I think this can be a start only if you are ready for a long distance, committed and loving relationship. But you doubt he's thinking the same isn't it?

You actually wondered, is he even gay?

Talk about religion and his reaction when I blurted part of my sexuality.

01 April 2010


I remembered after you read my post in Facebook saying "I am buried in a myriad of emotions. Wants out. Please", you hesitated to go to the Ledang trip.

It took me a few sentences to finally drag you in again. So, it was a Sunday morning when all of us gathered in the vacant food arcade when the sun shines its first beams on the fresh dewy grass. I know your very appearance is spontaneous for the team, I'm quite sure the Organising Committee President was wandering why you pleaded him to join this trip in the first place.

I remembered the journey to the mountain was a worrying one as I saw the amber "low fuel" warning lights glowing precariously. I almost can't believe myself when you are still able to make everyone in the car feels the joy of running out something important rather than letting the situation take control of our minds.

The only thing that I remember so clearly was how you tease me being the only one worrying sick. Funny shit.

Arriving at destination and finally took us about 30 minutes to reach the waterfall where we sat our items and jumped into the pool. The water was awesome. So much for the beginning of my study week.

I remembered how you needed my hand when you discovered a hole in the pool that is so deep even I could be engulfed and also the time when both of us discovering paths to restricted territories.

That was an analogy for me. For you're the one leading me to braving reality.

The best part I recall was sitting on the log floating on a calm pool of water where the shaded sunlight pierced through the foliage reaching the surface of our moist skin. Fish nibbling our feet and we talked again about how I felt towards you. I have to confess it was rather heavy for me because the main point was:

"I can't date you because you're an internationally acclaimed AIESECer and people generally thinks you're straight."

And after the day in the waterfall getting enough sunburn and egg sandwich not to forget the euphoria of accomplishment after you challenging me to dive into that abyss, here's what you've wrote to me in Facebook:

Dear Savoir,

I wouldn't want to bother you with a text in odds hour of the night (more over i know you'd be sleeping like a baby already by now), hence this message. Thank you for convincing me to stick with the Ledang trip.

Among the many happy moments, i treasure the most the times i find new sides of you. A secretly held anger that worries me, a weird hamsap side that i will be cautious of, and my favourite so far, a cute side that makes me so geram i want to hug you!

Although I am treading on thin ice, i will still carry my feeling for you even if they go unrequited. As the day proves, try as best as i can my affection for you only grows stronger. I'd rather be honest with myself and also with you, to be clear on where i stand.

But as i said to you, I am trying to walk in your shoes as well. i will consciously refrain and restrain myself from pushing you into a corner and hopefully you will help remind me of this also~! so that we can have a friendship you're comfortable with.

With that note in mind, i hope we will get to spend more time together.i await an invitation from you to hang out because im running out of excuses to ask you out without sounding desperate ><.

goodnight Savoir. The full moon accompanies me tonight.

What do you expect me to say? I'm sure you're depressed for two days until my reply.