It doesn't matter to me now because currently everything appears to be a fuzz. For the moment, I cannot even distinguish love from lust anymore. You are the only person that makes that line so clearly defined to me Fd. Only you.
I recall so many excuses I made to keep myself away from you. But above all, now I confess, it is because of your looks. You, are simply just not my type.
People said a thousand times before and so far I've heard of is that feelings can grow as time follows. But this, tragically is not the case. But I remember and must say that you are the very best guy I have ever dated, and also the most romantic one.
Reality has never been more cruel.
* * *
It was late night, and you were sitting on the mattress, at the place exactly where Iz slept a week ago. Staring on the corner of my bed, your features painted sorrow and emptiness, like a dog who just finds itself lost from it's owner.
All that was in my heart was gratitude. Thanking you for your presence and assistance to my work. You took your time to follow me to the embassies, having lunch, calling the embassies while I drive on the busy broadways in the heart of Kuala Lumpur, all these despite the fact that you are working as a liaison officer for the 6th WIEF in KL Convention Center and the same time being the chair of our coming conference.
"Are you ok? You seems a little down."
"No, I'm alright"
I was about to sleep thats when you offered to give me a massage. I wanted to decline because we know our situation, but you insist. You said it's the only way to keep yourself occupied.
I know you're very tired, so I give you the massage you deserved. Slowly, while I was pressing my fingers on your back, something strange happened. I heard a muffled chuckle.
"Is it too ticklish?"
Then I realized when the voice became apparent and when you wiped that falling drop from the corner of your eye. I turned off the lights immediately. You pulled my arms around you and we hang on there for a good few minutes. I may not know what was troubling you because you refused to tell me. You only told me this moment you feel safe. I just doesn't want to see you in this emotion anymore, and that I continued to give you that hug.
Suddenly, like a python, you turned your head to deliver that peck on my cheek. I suppose it's a return from the one I gave you on the field under the starry sky.
As time goes by, slowly my eyes are shutting. It was quite uncomfortable when I realized we are sharing the single bed because space is scarce and I know you're watching me. But I tried to sleep.
I said I tried.
You were hugging me. Closer.
I felt your breathing.
You pressed your lips on mine.
* * *
The sound of water droplets hitting the floor awakens me. Lights outside the window. The wall clock displaying the time for you to go.
* * *
There you were, walking alone with your red backpack heading towards the new temporary bus station in Bukit Jalil.
I drove past you.