21 May 2010

Sharing Bed

Sometimes I wonder, what does it takes for a person to fall for another. Is it all about physical charms? Or maybe it's the inner beauty that takes account for a good relationship to come.

It doesn't matter to me now because currently everything appears to be a fuzz. For the moment, I cannot even distinguish love from lust anymore. You are the only person that makes that line so clearly defined to me Fd. Only you.

I recall so many excuses I made to keep myself away from you. But above all, now I confess, it is because of your looks. You, are simply just not my type.

People said a thousand times before and so far I've heard of is that feelings can grow as time follows. But this, tragically is not the case. But I remember and must say that you are the very best guy I have ever dated, and also the most romantic one.

Reality has never been more cruel.

* * *

It was late night, and you were sitting on the mattress, at the place exactly where Iz slept a week ago. Staring on the corner of my bed, your features painted sorrow and emptiness, like a dog who just finds itself lost from it's owner.

All that was in my heart was gratitude. Thanking you for your presence and assistance to my work. You took your time to follow me to the embassies, having lunch, calling the embassies while I drive on the busy broadways in the heart of Kuala Lumpur, all these despite the fact that you are working as a liaison officer for the 6th WIEF in KL Convention Center and the same time being the chair of our coming conference.

"Are you ok? You seems a little down."

"No, I'm alright"


I was about to sleep thats when you offered to give me a massage. I wanted to decline because we know our situation, but you insist. You said it's the only way to keep yourself occupied.

I know you're very tired, so I give you the massage you deserved. Slowly, while I was pressing my fingers on your back, something strange happened. I heard a muffled chuckle.

"Is it too ticklish?"


Then I realized when the voice became apparent and when you wiped that falling drop from the corner of your eye. I turned off the lights immediately. You pulled my arms around you and we hang on there for a good few minutes. I may not know what was troubling you because you refused to tell me. You only told me this moment you feel safe. I just doesn't want to see you in this emotion anymore, and that I continued to give you that hug.

Suddenly, like a python, you turned your head to deliver that peck on my cheek. I suppose it's a return from the one I gave you on the field under the starry sky.

As time goes by, slowly my eyes are shutting. It was quite uncomfortable when I realized we are sharing the single bed because space is scarce and I know you're watching me. But I tried to sleep.

I said I tried.

I know.

You were hugging me. Closer.

I felt your breathing.

You pressed your lips on mine.

I know.

* * *

The sound of water droplets hitting the floor awakens me. Lights outside the window. The wall clock displaying the time for you to go.

* * *

There you were, walking alone with your red backpack heading towards the new temporary bus station in Bukit Jalil.

I drove past you.

14 May 2010


The last time I had sex was with someone I barely know, but this time he's no stranger.

* * *
Under the torrent of work from AIESEC, and the inner conflicts with the dramas that has been between me and Fd for a time until now; I am thirsty for some sensual, hot action.

This is another story of getting lucky again with someone I had done before.

* * *

A few days ago, he looks into the display of his cellphone for a moment, and quickly punched a message to welcome a flaky-minded friend to his house for accommodation of a night before his departure to the National University of Malaysia for an entrepreneurship conference.

In the midst of people whizzing around the exit of the train station, he finally saw the guest of the day, Iz. In need, he was carrying a load of luggages, apparently just arrived in the center of the peninsula from campus in the south. Under the grey over-casted sky and of drizzle, he quickly helped the guest carrying his belongings to the boot of his ageing red Iswara.

The heavy traffic was a literal leg-ache as the car crawls slowly from the station to his apartment.

The moment when Iz's sight landed on his room, the owner can tell, it was rather unexpected for him for the picture was quite far from the photos the owner took and had put up on Facebook.

Dinner was a simple and pleasant home-cooked food, followed by the guest carrying out his virtual meeting with his committee members, and the hands of the clock are moving faster as the night matures.

Then he called to bed. There the owner lies. Next to his guest. Lights off. Facing him.

"Are you sure you like that girl who stays in Shah Alam?"

"I'm not sure..."

He know his guest expected this, somehow. Probably because he shut his eyes waiting for something to happen. Slowly, from the gentle press of the lips to passionate locking of tongues, desperately plunging into each other as hands wandering around from the top to the bottom.

Now the guest hesitates. For a moment, he thought the guest retaliated because he tries to push him away, but it was too gentle to be a rejection. It was quite obvious to be a method of turning on the owner of the room. He wanted it. Very much.

So does the owner.

We were both half naked and the owner was hugging him when the guest was putting the cap, from the side, he looks around with his eyes adjusted to the ambient light illuminating the room by the streetlight outside. The guest's body lines are defined under the dark blue and occasional stripes of orange - the result of filtered light from the blinds.

First move, and we skipped oral. It was a night where the owner of the room get his first taste of tangy positions other than the tiring missionary due to height differences. Apparently, he is still learning.

But obviously the guest was enjoying the moments considering he had a fulfilling orgasm and came twice without touching himself.

* * *

I opened my eyes and found myself staring at the cellphone display. 9.30am.

Soon, the guest gets up from his mattress below my bed quickly and unexpectedly lied beside me. We cuddled while I found myself staring at the window. The grey world outside appears to dissolve right in front of my eyes as this feeling I long sought finally realized.

I smelled his neck, a peck on his cheek.

He's ready to leave.

01 May 2010

A letter of concern

Because I posted this up in my Facebook status.

lost faith in his own feelings. It's not sad, not disappointed, not remorse, not even pain. It's just, numb. :) - Friday

So, Dr. Elf sent me a letter in Facebook message, concerned about my feelings, he wrote:

Hi there!

How are you doing?

I logged on my Facebook account and the first lines on my News Feed were your name and your status. We have never met, and I hardly know you, except for a few facts (eg : you are an undergrad, you have a penchant for photography and really great at it), but I somehow feel compelled to write this email after seeing your latest FB status.

Is everything alright? I'm not nosy or anything like that, but I tend to have a soft spot for this kind of matter. Are you battling/confused with your own inner feelings?

I used to be like this when I was a medical student a few years back. Like you, I lost faith in my own feelings, not only on matters of love, but it encompassed my faith, my belief, and even my own personal integrity.

Are you in love? I know love can be overwhelming at times. And most of the time, we get confused between love and lust. Lust can be disguised as love, and vice versa. If you are really in love Savoir, keep that feeling inside. Because that’s the most wonderful feeling you will ever have in your entire living life. Whether it is reciprocated or unrequited, it doesn’t matter.

Your friend was asking you whether you cared or you were just avoiding the matter. And I couldn’t agree with him more. There’s always a thin line separating these two. Savoir dearie, don’t worry to love someone, or be loved by someone else. Show to this person how you really feel about him/her. At the same time, be a realist. It’s good to hope, but do not put on too much expectation on something that is not certain. And whatever you do in this world, do not lose your integrity, because your integrity is the one thing that makes you who you really are.

Hey, I hope I’m not sounding like an uncle or auntie to you, giving my worthless two cents. I just thought of sharing my thoughts with you when I saw your status.

Have a great weekend Savoir.

Dr. Elf

I replied:


I have to start this conversation with a subtle thank you because after reading your message, truly I felt so much better. Of course, your words are no aunt's or uncle's because they are everything but superficial. I must say, you're good in words! :)

Anyway, I find that you are right about my situation because you make me realized my problem.

Previously, I was unsure about the reason why I am feeling "numb" but now I do. It was frustration. The frustration of not getting what you want and the ones that I do not intend keep coming.

True, somehow I am avoiding the matter. By ignoring the ones and by shrugging my feelings off. But it's the best anesthetic I could afford. (you could get me a better one considering your career. :P)

Joking of course. But, ultimately, the point is that I am now confused between love and lust. I confess, I have a high sexual drive and I am actually keeping it down for months. The last one I had makes me pine for him and the strange thing is I couldn't make it clear as if I wanted his sex or the relationship because deep inside, I felt something empty because it has been some time since my last relationship.

Thing is, that person is not a random stranger, neither my family member. He was rather a really close friend of my girl pal. And at the mean time, he is also a deprived person, both physically and in terms of relationship.

The last thing I received from him after our bed encounter is: "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. Do you think we can work it out together?"

I don't blame him. After all, we just met thrice.

At the mean time, I have another person going so crazy after me pouring me all sorts of attention but I have no sexual interest on him what so ever.

Oh, and that is another long long long story... :/

p.s: Thanks for the wish and the compliment. hope to hear from you soon.