28 September 2010


"As much as I wanted to leave you to your room, for the time being late, but I afraid if I leave that door, I don't think I can come in again." - Fd

little did you know, listening your suicidal thoughts is by far the most childish thing you've ever mentioned.

Just like a bar of polished iron, eventually it will let go it's luster, turning into a pile of rust.

27 September 2010


"wah, that's going to be awfully lot of photos to process later!"

"haha, good luck with you with all the photoshops and all."

* * *

The only things inside my room remains the same after the holidays would be the humidity and temperature. The rest, all a fuzzy blur, especially when you're drenched in torrents of assignment and relationship problems.

Last Saturday was the day we went out for a photoshoot session for your convocation ceremony. I recall you purposely got yourself a haircut for this event. Of course. Who wouldn't love the moment of recognition when you're given a medal on the stage for your achievements? Nevertheless, both you: BL and SGG deserve that medal.

Did I forget to mention you look really good in those short hair?

Yes, I have to admit, the feeling I had for you haven't completely vanished, and taking photos of you in your robes and mortar board for convocation is the least I could do for whatever you've given to me.

Yes, I have to say, the times and laughter during the photoshoot was precious. Especially now that our closest girl-friend in campus finally knew our sexual orientation, making things so much easier to talk about and emotions much free to express.

How I'm going to miss these so much when you guys are done with this place, one day, I will realize I have none to sit with in the busy canteen among one of the afternoons. That's when I know all you guys have went on with your lives.

It doesn't really matter.

"Eventually, I'll find friends.."

I thought.

And more shots are taken during that evening until the sun has set. Fine Chinese dinner is on SGG. Thank him so much for that good meal because I'm starting to catch a cold. And I realised Fd wasn't the person I have in mind to tell.

In fact, I don't even bother to read his blog anymore. Ignorance is truly a bliss.

And that girl-bestie told me:

"Savoir, you're wasting both his and your time. You're lying to him."

* * *

In the midst of a busy day (night actually). I switched on my laptop, and photo-editing is in operation. One by one, each shots are carefully selected and retouched.


It was a minute for me to realize, as my eyes were fixated on the screen, that those was my own warm tears dripping onto the keypad. Reflections upon the not-so-long ago past has finally reached it's toll.

*knock knock*

"Hey Savoir, just drop by to say hi. Can I come in please? I brought you strepsils." Fd trying to smirk.

"Uh.. I'm am in a middle of something."

"Next time then, Savoir" He left without looking back. Again.

19 September 2010

The nagging voice

I should be grateful. I should be content. I should feel lucky. Because you, Fd, are right there on the gate of the arrival hall the moment I turned the trolley with my luggage on it in Senai International Airport this morning.

"So why are you here? Somehow I kinda expected you to be here. I don't know but that's some feeling I have there, inside."

This statement marks the start of all ugly that is today.

* * *

I despise hypocrites like you. Somehow today you pushed me to the limits and you're lucky I'm not in the mood or in a good place today for a fiery hot conversation with you.

I hate your sudden changes in emotions. Trying to cover up things and at the same time wanted me to know that you're breaking down.

The biggest problem today is your reluctance of telling me what occurred exactly 24 hours ago what happened on you. And all you give is that fuck face when you receive me at the airport. Nice. I would rather take the taxi ride alone and stayed in my room to continue my work thank you very much.

I loathe when you can show your ultimate bitter face to me and the next second pretending like nothing has ever happened and makes annoying and silly jokes to drag the time.

Is it absolutely necessary for you to mention recently girls of your past wanting to hook up with you if you have no intentions on them? And you have to make it a point that you don't like gay stuffs yet you go to a dodgy sauna which has "People Like Us" for it's name to find actions, apparently to solve your stress problems.

Don't tell me you missed me a lot when you have so much to miss about with that japanese dude you sent before receiving me at the airport.

No I'm really not jealous. I just hate it when you keep things to yourself.

You wanted to tell me about it, but at the moment you don't feel comfortable telling me about it, and at the same time you're showing me that face begging me to ask you about it. Then you make it yourself so difficult to tell me.

When I asked you again, I really dislike your slam with meaningless and loud answers.

You don't feel like going to Lost Malaya because you're tired whatsoever but you suggested to go Tebrau City which is much further than Lost Malaya. Paying extra. I don't mind really. As long it makes you happy. I thought.

your eyes are red and eye bags are like peanuts. And you ask me how did I know you cried.

Wake up, mr Fd.

* * *

"Good night, Savoir." Fd left without turning back. Obviously bitter with his hundreds of emotion locked in his heart.

* * *

*knock knock knock knock*

I turned the deadbolt with my tired eyes, expecting Fd.

It was really him. Holding a piece of paper - apologetic, and tries with his usual welcoming cheer.

"hey hey hey! I just wanna hug you and say something before I sleep! *smirks*"

"I'm sorry. Too tired."

18 September 2010

The Ring

About two months ago, I blurted the three word sentence to you blatantly on that empty pedestrian overhead bridge in the busy broadway of Jalan Wong Ah Fook.

And what follows was my cruel take-back of the statement by trying to avoid you. At the same time, the selfish side of me keeps nagging that he should be talking to me. Bitch.

So that's why you left me that dead rose. Because this relationship didn't get the chance to bloom.

* * *

"This is it." I said to myself, in the heart. Knowing when he left my room, it's going be his last. I unfurled my fingers and an agate ring rolled and dropped on the cold cement floor. I gave him a ring too, the one he eyes on since I bought it in Malacca.

"So this is my farewell gift. After a year of turbulent struggles and beautiful endeavors." I thought.

10 minutes later,

A series of loud and annoying knocking wakes me up from the haze of events happened earlier. My computer was playing some music I have no mood to listen.

The moment I turned that doorknob, flipped the door and I saw your face. You murmured "I can't sleep" and pulled my head.

Our first kiss. On the poorly lit kaki-lima of my dormitory.

Now the music tunes comes clear. It was jazz. It was a song request for love. Above all, it was Junji Delfino's Here I Am. It has to be there at the right time, right moment.

And then you left. With the smile hanging on your face I haven't seen for a long time.

* * *

"Can you be my boyfriend, Savoir?"

"You do realize that if this didn't work out, we might not be friends after that."

"I am willing to take this risk. And I know you wouldn't want or need me after that."

" Then yes dear. Yes. Yes of course."

* * *

And the ring became an asset. Recalling the ceremony and missing ring on Malacca few months ago.

08 September 2010

Where's the candle?

Selamat Hari Jadi, En. Fd

Thanks to your numerous mention in our heavy conversation. I hope my gift brings something special to your thoughts, my dear.

07 September 2010


*crickets singing in the background*

"The sky's not really clear tonight, Mr. Fd"

Rigid, I stood on a spacious empty car-park not far away from my residence this semester. His silhouette clearly casted a shadow which appears larger as he approached.

"Can't seem to see much stars as I've expected. But you know that's not the point I've ask you to come."

I took the last sip of chilled Vodka contained in my perspiring glass.

"My flight's on tomorrow 8.30 am. I'm leaving at 7."

"Why don't you go to the fields to watch? (you might get better view there due lesser light pollution)"

Hence, we walked towards the unlit football field and sat on the concrete pavements, staring into the sky.

Soon, we realize our position changed horizontal, on the misty floor. Slowly, his face gets closer, and the starlight starts to blur. Our lips touched. Locked tight.

"Don't worry, I won't leave a mark."

For that night, he kept pressing me on the ground, sniffing my neck passionately. Then, a sharp sensation - it wasn't painful as it was properly planted at the place exactly where I want it to be. He bit me. Gently. And move on to lick the spot. Then all over again on another spot. Another side.

Suddenly the stars became a significant object for the night, for the glittering sands of space lit the inner passion of my voided heart.

I love you.