31 October 2010

When You Laugh

For the past weeks including the special 20102010 itself, life has never been slowed down to a pace I could comfortably call pleasant. Day creeps by one after another following tedious assignments and examinations; all the signs of finals are coming soon, the regular cycle of a student.

Of course, as a homosexual like others, the drive has never reduced in these times and desperate people will start eating whatever they might get.

Let's begin from something simple. Sex with him last week was utter annoyance - after multiple times of trying to get him stood. The problem is he doesn't want to come when there's an opportunity. Try living in my underpants, you'll know it's damn tiring to serve you. Personally I don't think taking *that* long to come is great sex. Particularly for the other party that's already yawning.

You, BL, on the other hand is horny. I know that when you jumped on my bed and hugged me despite your mattress I provided to keep you away, and that's a new ominous sign I see - knowing things are about to get really ugly with your boyfriend and the view from our newly discovered semi open-minded fruitfly, this is another drama in brew. I can see SGG's envious face, flaming in jealousy and that urge in him to put me out of the picture.

I never dared for an amnesty.

But one thing I enjoyed the most are still the moments of laughter when we crack jokes after a mediocre orgasm from a mundane but revisited sex. Naked and worn, the muffled lights from distant fluorescent lamps radiating from the curtained window now looking after our quiet snores.

17 October 2010

The Doctor

"I'm still recuperating from a very hectic and eventful weekend, what's with my best friend's wedding that happened to be the wedding of the year (or decade even) and all the ensuing camaraderie and social obligations.

To be brutally honest with you (and I don't really know how to be diplomatic, because I still believe in being honest all the way), I kind of expected this turn of event in your life. Listening to your story made me realize that something was just not right from the beginning. Anyway, thing has happened. I guess you just have to deal with it, Savoir. Running away is not the answer to solving problems.

Hey, take things positively. All this will make you a stronger and wiser person. Allow yourself to make mistakes, and learn from them. You'll learn how beautiful this life can be, only if you allow yourself to soak in the imperfection of it."

Dr. Elf. - 11 Oct

15 October 2010

Emotional surprise

The fact that you've raised your voice this afternoon doesn't disturb me, BL.

What surprises me was the fact that you actually spurt out some emotions you have been keeping.

That is some progress.

09 October 2010


How would you call a stranger? If somehow, you know one particular information of a person, without communicating directly, or even communicating at all, does that count as a stranger too?

For us, it doesn't take much to know. The eyes, the things he wear, the way he walks, the way he talks... You just know it, by means unknown.

It's a special talent species like us share. Some sensitive, some not so. Still, we're able to sniff it out. Somehow.

* * *

You were standing in front of the line, waiting for your turn, just like all other people waiting for that lunch-time value meal to start. Another weekend in the student-mall. This is lunch hour in McDonalds.

With you, was your girl-friends you know I assume, and of course, I wouldn't notice you if we hadn't know one of your girl-friend. I turned to my friend standing beside me, we both chuckled.

"wah, he's quite obvious oh?"

"mhm... *eyes open wide*"

And the girl-friend of yours turned back and saw us, started a conversation with us. That's your first glance.

* * *

"Ugh, the burger is so bland.."

"Wey, Savoir, notice he kept looking at you?"

"Yeah, I know."

"Yerh, he keep looking when he have the chance! omg.."

You stood up, looking at your palm, thought of washing your hands. And you walk towards our direction, and you walk, you walk, and paused. For awhile, that one moment, you were standing beside our table. Looking at me. That's the second glance - into the eyes.

"Andrew.. did he just flirt with you?"

"Nah. It's a common gay thing."

Then, was the food court. We were waiting for the damned bus. You and your friends are obviously waiting the same thing too.

No, it was not an illusion. I wasn't too vain either. You were just looking at me. Again.

Yes. Yes. Yes. It was that body-fit tee. It was that glass hanging above your nose. It was that lightly highlighted hair. It was the sandals. It was the bag. It was everything you wanted to show. I received that message.

Then, there was this fleeting thought I know we both had. Just the compulsion to smile and say hi. But we didn't had the guts, for the lame excuse we have our "friends".

Or else...

07 October 2010

Falling Leaves (and tinge of bittersweet)

*buzz buzz* *dingle ding*

The morning alarm pulled my lazy eyelids and the usual warm and damp environment in my room welcomes the day.

Reluctantly, I walked towards the window; a quick pull to the curtains aside and the sun wasn't there. This morning has been special, for the sky has been bright greyish but after the clouds, there is blue.

Warm shower doesn't take long and the breakfast, mundane.

Grabbed my bag and out.

Here's where the simple wonder of the day revealing itself. Only If you're out to experience it: It was the wind, at first.

Light breeze brushed the plains of grass and shrubs, trees begin shedding their tired leaves and there it is; the golden snow. All coming down gently touching the grass below one after another. I must say, it was a sightly event; what a moment to start my day!

I closed my eyes, drawing a stomach full of air just to slowly release it. And I smiled. Today, I finally felt it. Life.

This is the first day after you.

06 October 2010


"Yes. Got loads of presentations to prepare. For the time being, I don't think it's appropriate or necessary for us to meet." - Andrew 18:26 4th Oct

"You decide when. Just don't forget that I wanted to see you." - Fd 19:27 4th Oct

* * *

How ironic the campus internet service provider blocked my more public, albeit superficial blog. Adult content? I don't think so. This will be the better reason.

It has been days since I've posted anything relevant to me and Fd. For most part inside, the greying has been irreversible. The damage was there and you didn't even did it, at least not directly.

It's both sinister and interesting how editing a photo album can bring such impact to a person, so much it brings to even thought of breaking up with the one I thought I held so dear just days ago before the airport drama.

The album did stirred shit up, but of all, due days (and nights) of reflections, I realized I can live without you.

I still remember how you gave me that difficult choice between a relationship or nothing at all in that high-rise bookstore cafe. But it doesn't matter anymore, for I have chosen to give up and that hopefully I will not see you again.

Interestingly, I have never wished for such conclusions for my past relationships. Only for your case Fd. And I suppose the reason is because you're not the one at fault?

There's a saying, that it's the matter of time and eventually, a person will forgive you but most important of all, is that you're able to forgive yourself and live through the bitterness. And I tried. Today, it's slowly taking place.

But I do know, people forgive, they rarely forget. (at least not so soon)


It was a mistake I've made. In turn, my decision hurt you and myself. But I have no one to blame and I do not intend to.

After all, who's fault is this anyway?

Good bye, Mr. Fd.
May you fare well in your life.

02 October 2010

Cultural Difference

Apparently views on things vary with age differences even it is just a few years. Or perhaps more likely is the places of where people came from.

Either way, it was a conflict inevitable when it comes to how one does a party, yesterday.

Now, we all knew BL’s birthday is coming very soon, that’s why SGG asked me to retrieve a cake he ordered from Secret Recipe.

Normally, a party I’ve gone through involves some good food, cake smearing and laughter. It might seem childish, however. Gone are the dining ethics, comes the instinct of fun, you live, everyone lives the moment and never look back.

That’s how we do it, and when times are through and you look at those photographs, you’ll know the moments, precious as they are when you see your friends laughter so pure with all it's blissful innocence.

Sadly, not for this case.

I tried pushing up the atmosphere, despite our rather bright and clumsy location. Got BL and SGG’s cheek smudged with lines of chocolate cream and still, not there yet.

Doesn’t matter I say, and then it’s your turn.

I save you for the last not because you’re the best. That’s because you’re a girl. And knowing you thought I knew how you’ll react to this, and there I go with my finger covered with cream.

You went berserk.

Starting to throw cakes, threaten to stain my mp4, and I thought I even see you almost tearing.

You went to the toilet, face all sour, couldn’t find water (so do I when you too spread the cakes on my hair and shirt) and started telling me over the basin about how pissed of you were.

Do you have any idea how I felt instead?

The cake is one thing. I don’t know if the toilet has no water. I am not omniscient. You make it seem like I am a spoilt childish party-freak making a mess out of this party. Telling me how you loathe to take a bath in the night and I ruined that.

For fuck sake, this is a birthday surprise. If it’s an over-the-top, I-have-to-behave, suited up party, we can pick up the phone and call the hotel. Then dress up like a princess and worry no one will tarnish it.

Doesn’t matter because this just reminds how you guys are treating me as a friend.

Personally, I don’t think a friend teases you every single day. What’s worse, it’s that the things you guys say repeats every single day. Take calling me a chicken for example; you guys have been calling me that for almost a month already. Take it to you, how would you feel?

I know you guys are joking. But jokes have a limit and of course over doing it will only annoy a person. I don’t find it amusing at all after like how many times you guys repeated them.

Another thing is how you guys mentioning Fd’s name.

That’s the worst deal. For you guys are partially responsible for telling me how shitty he is; now you guys are making fun of me by bringing him up (after the break up) into little things you guys see.

And you think it’s brilliant.

Call me narrow hearted.
Or the Chinese saying “small gas

But if this were to happen to you;


You don’t want this to happen to you don’t you?