06 December 2011


Sudah dilepas kesedihan.
Hanya sanubariku terlanting kebogelan.
Sudah terlanda kekecewaan.
Antaranya yang lain, sudah terjadi lampau.

05 December 2011

What goes around.

Just a moment ago, posts from 熊仔's secret blog had shaken this fool. It appears 熊仔 was with another person while I was waiting in front of the red slab of granite.

Talk about irony.

I guess, there's no reason for me to come home anymore.

23 November 2011

The last photograph.

So here I am, precisely the same place we once stood and put our fingers on the unfamiliar characters inscribed on the red granite. That visual remembrance I took serves a photograph in memory, seared and sealed more than a year ago.

This time, 熊仔 was watching my back, pondering while I stand alone, facing the silent slab of rock. 

My fingers were touching the same words again, and I wonder...

"What 熊仔 is waiting for?"

18 September 2011

Answer from the ex-buddy

And now, life of projector images and dull classroom-style lectures take over, another slow moving train through the new semester. Well, I hope it picks up momentum as time goes by. I want to be busy. I want to be 熊仔.

*  *  *

Today is a rainy evening, the sky had dimmed to total darkness when I shared my shelter of an umbrella with the ex sex buddy on our way to dinner. Soon, we are in the food arcade with many other familiar faces all around but not with us. I reckon this is the first time we have dinner despite previous numbers of encounters which now I have no clue why you viciously rejected the callings lately.

"So, tell me honestly. What's the deal? Was it conscience block or you are having STDs?"

"No.. I mean... you're not my type la."

"Don't sugarcoat."

"You're not top enough.."

I nodded while feeding myself the last scoop.


"Well, let me rephrase that for you." "You can't satisfy me." I paused for a second and continued, "I know the first time when you commented on my initiative. No worries, I am not taken by your words. I guess I should have known better." To ensure, I gave a generous and sincere smile. I know, different people have different stomach of appetite. You were just famished. All the time.

09 September 2011

On Research Ethics

So I was chatting with a new friend who is a current research student in a public university not far from the national university; and it was sophomore year according to him when he did an experiment which involve the killing of 300 cute puffy chicken hatchlings using CO2 and a sealed chamber.

They were first injected with bacterial pathogens, given time to show symptoms, and then treated with viruses. After that, all test subjects were subsequently terminated disregarding their health conditions for autopsy.

What came to me immediately was the thought of similarity in genocidal method committed by the Axis in World War Two against Jews or the Chinese. Except in history was done in a much bigger facility with tears of agony, but what is the difference anyway? Both involve mass killing of organisms.

Another friend argued (which I sadly have to agree due reason like objectivity of research grounds):

"Well, they died for their next generations. If these subjects have positive results for the viral treatment, then we can say, antibiotics are unnecessary anymore."

So I replied:

"Such the next generations produced are healthier and more importantly, cost lesser to feed our growing population."

I don't know much about the ethics in biology research, but condoning these researches are, well, a little disturbing. At least by the thought. I quote the sentence from my bio-studying friend:

"When I come across the 50th chick. I had no time for guilt anymore. Else I'll be killing the chicks now instead of talking with you."

Now I wonder if soldiers felt the same way.

I think it justifies if it could potentially save us on efficiency, but morally, it's just too painful to think about. That's human nature - always has been curious, move on after each discovery and always will be.

02 September 2011

What Are We Now?

Sounded vaguely familiar when this time I was the one asking.

So, we were in my room, both seating on our connected chairs in claustrophobic desk-space and I shakily held Mr. Pangkor's hand which now I christened him 熊仔 for a softer tone, and I look into his eyes and said:

"熊仔, I think there are something I need to tell you because I know I cannot fight the guilt if I don't. Especially when I'm going back to school for a reasonably long time."

He nodded but kept silence.

"You know I went to Penang not alone."

"I know, and I've figured it out in your status updates while you were there."

And I threw back for a moment while he continues:

"Savoir, you are too easy to read." "and no, the real surprise is that you actually wanted to tell me about it."

"Why didn't you confront me after my trip?"

"Remember what I told you at the parking lots in Bangsar Village?" "I don't mind because I walked through your age."

Say no more, and I pushed myself against him and gave him the tight hug. It was sigh of relief tempered with a tinge of gratitude. A sharp tingling sense of injustice swept across like dried leaves under breeze in my inner conscience. There were no tears. Just remorse and splashes of self devaluation.

We are now in an open relationship, but is this kind of openness even healthy?

31 August 2011

Frail. No.

Then I wonder:

When is this grieving phase going to pass? The guilt of being the culprit with a cheating spouse, and the simultaneous confusion of feelings for this boy, eagerly waiting my full acceptance in the midst of his busy research schedule.

Then I realized, the action is up to me. Executions have to be taken, be it swift and cruel or soft and tiresome.

But Volgograd had left to Russia with his other half.

And I'm leaving home for yet another two semester, separated with Mr.Pangkor by a four hours bus drive.

So, how's that for a year later? What months can do to two concurrent distant relationships?

There's plentiful of room to be emo, as Hypocrite saw me. But I refuse to be a sorrowful alcoholic as I think the phrase "emo" is abused and overrated for petty feelings of sadness like this. It wasn't sadness. It was the triumph of my sexual drive over much needed self control.

Today, best friend Jin told me I need to be a monk after months of prostitution. I couldn't agree less.

I said:

"At the very least, prostitution is a profession. A slut does no gain."

* * *

Here's one thought, from this day, last year:

"Yesteryear's Merdeka, I was liberated from Fd. The sweetness of freedom felt so very good even though it was coated in a very thin shellac of regret. It was what I wanted anyway since deep down I can no longer afford emotional torments from his expectations after showers and showers of attention."

Perhaps the true liberation is getting myself untangled from the chains of careless relationships. Don't sniff the others' scent after sex. Don't ask about their lives. Don't disclose how good they are on the bed.

Months of academic work soon might help. I have BL still to settle with and I miss him since I came home. I know I'm greedy, stubborn and hopelessly poly-amorous, but the portions of agony in my divided heart is too good to let go. And there's no space for weakness.

Not even grief.

30 August 2011

Drink. Full Stop.

While I am still sober I feel that I have a moral imperative to note this:

"Fuck you for being a hypocrite."


"You have no idea how much it hurts to be the other (wo)man. 他妈的! 如果我有心要做第三者, 找也找一个有钱, 样靚, 画像高和没脑的啦! 吊!"


Thinking Lunch

Then, they dropped me at Asia Jaya LRT station. It was early evening after a good session of conversation on the whatabouts of both parties. One particular topic washed through briefly while we were in G3 as I was taking a sip from the rich tinge of bergamot. Since then, the idea stuck to my mind all the way from that restaurant to Antipodean in Bangsar.

So I was thinking.

Do we choose friends? I meant the circle of people that one can put his affections and most of the time, non sexually related. The idea came from the question why would the other significant half sometimes find difficulties to bond with the other half's circle of friends? I would like to think different people have different psychological upbringings to adhere themselves to certain people which they call friends, and consequently find themselves gather enough bits of dislike for certain people in their walks of life even though they did nothing wrong by rights.

So, unknowingly, we do choose people to be friends despite the denial of being bias.

Now, how about my decision of rejecting Fd's love back then? Worse still, why did I allowed myself to reply that kiss?


I was such a fool.

26 August 2011


"I'll have to do you first. I come very fast"

Ok was the last word for the night. It was a quick 10 minutes handjob followed by his snores. Thousand remorse then followed for thinking back what three short weeks after the termination of my internship has done to me. I was busy yes, with my little projects.. but in the mean time of being busy I still managed to sneak slots for unforgivable fun. Especially with Volgograd not too long ago, and darn should I say I missed him so much since that 5 hours session.

This time is his friend who happen to stay in Penang, and funny thing is, Volgograd actually had a conversation with me on this boy's on-the-bed behavior. What I experienced was precisely what Volgograd described.

Well, I guess time in Russia is pretty lonely isn't it, Volgograd?

* * *

Not that I mind after his message in the morning indicating the failure to provide me a nights' shelter in his place, he also just told me he cannot too, provide me a few hours worth of companionship around the town.

I don't blame him of course. After all, he just checked in Penang two days ago, and have to leave to Russia by the end of this month. I understand time is what you need to spend with your friends and family.

That's why I prefer to walk alone. So I forgive him and checked in to a gritty guesthouse in Love lane. It was my first time living in a dormitory, and the experience was nothing less than perfect. All that wonderfully restored architectural heritage coupled with welcoming foreign guests.

There I met Alice from Australia, who said this over a cup of morning coffee:

"I never thought of getting married this age, think at least until 35 or so. Then he came in, and he told me to do whatever I like and he grant me the freedom. That's where I say that's it, he's the one."

* * *

Now I ran into one of the lanes perpendicular to Bank Street. It's one of the quietest corner in Georgetown. This city has grown up over centuries, the un-restored old buildings like abandoned factories and old hotels felt like a precious wound, like a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change of things crumbling to ruins.

Then I looked around this place, at the chaos it's endured... the way it's been adapted, burned, shelled, then found a way to build itself back again, and I was reassured.

Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic. It's just that world that is.. and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it.

Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.

Georgetown showed me that we must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation.

25 August 2011

5 minutes ago

Was 15 minutes of pure sorrow and comfort of shedding tears, my life has never been more clear for the moment.

What made it less than perfect is that this was done without anyone. Not even a closest friend.

After that, life moves on. I stand up, walked to the shower room, drenched my face and wiped it dry.

I'm ready to go.

"Hey Groceries, believe in love again."

A comment from a good friend

"Frankly, the things that you know, no one else really wants to know."

20 August 2011

I like this version with candlelights.

Though I battle blind,
Love is a fate resigned.
In the memories that mar my mind,
Love is a fate resigned.

18 August 2011

I had your moment

"Thank you, Savoir. For everything. For all the first times you gave me today. The beach, the experience, the holiday I so yearned."

I didn't say anything because those were precisely my emotions not too long ago. Fd still taints the very edge of my romanticism but now it's you who I need, to smear off every last patches left by him.

So I played dirty. Using what he did to me on you, but done subtly and wrapped with far less obsessions.

* * *

A thud came from the lever in the shower room, and hot yellow light from the incandescent lamp started to pour into our warmly lit room as he slowly pushes the door open while rubbing his ear dry.

Then he stood there for a while, eyes looking around as he wonder if this room was actually the same room before he took the shower.


Warmly lit by tealight candles all around the corners, smooth jazz was playing softly from a portable speaker, almost unable to distinguish the vocals but clear enough to highlight the musical instruments.

After a long session of fondling under the comforter, we arrived to a moment when we were hugging each other, all comforter's off, kissing deep while I penetrated him starting each thrust from soft entry to powerful pounds until we both started sweating once again since our afternoon escape from monkeys.

I was on top of him when his head was off the bed. My arms holding his head while he flicks my glans from the tip to the cap base. He looked into my face while doing so, savoring each emotion of pleasure I released.

Finally, the barrel of pleasure was filled to the brim. In jittering shots we came almost simultaneously on his chest. Ended up, we laid beside each other, listening to the silent tune of piano slowly fading...

* * *

"oh my god, savoir, look at the water! That blue glowing dot over there!"

"yup, I thought you might have liked those."

"Look, there's another one!" "Eh, there too.. wow, they are everywhere here!"

"Noctiluca Scintillans"

"the last time while was very young, I saw these in Penang. But I don't recall I saw this much." "These phytoplanktons are so beautiful! I wonder if I could study their bioluminescence.."

"Life is amazing isn't it?"

"Indeed it is.."

"Just like stars in the sky..."

We paused for a second, and then I looked into the bright moonlit night. I almost arrive to a deep sigh of despair knowing the odds of seeing it might be too slim due to the mist of clouds, but he didn't asked. I know, it has to be somewhere, but damn I forgot to track where those beautiful flying things should come from.

"There's more. We are not too lucky because it's full moon tonight. Be patient and we might have a surprise."

That mysticism was wrapped with a smile.

But we were blessed.

"I think I saw something in the sky..."

"Yes. Today is the peak period for Perseids."

16 August 2011

Monkey Bay (snip)

"Shit, now what?" "worse come to worse, we have to stay on this beach for the night. Are you ok with that idea?"

"yeah, I'm ok with it."

"Wait wait, stupid idea. We have no options here. This beach is isolated without any lights in the night. God knows what can happen to us through the night, it's full moon today." "We HAVE to cross this cape even if it cost deep gashes."

"Wait, let me check them. See if they are still there."

He then creep onto the barnacle ridden boulder on top of us and took a quick peek.

"Nope, it seems like they are not there."

"Fuck, that alpha fucking scratched me just now. Luckily I'm not bleeding."

"are you ok?"

"yes dear. Are you sure they are gone?"

"yeah, it seems like there's no sound from the trees in front."

"Ok, so, we now dash through the rocks, very carefully, and try to go as fast as possible."

"Alright, I'll lead."

"Ok, go go GO!"

My legs were in shaking fatigue but somehow managed to gather the last burst of energy for the life-saving sprint and agile coordination. Quickly and silently, we glided across multitudes of large granite rocks.

"Careful, don't look into the water. Look front. Look front!"

Suddenly, he paused for a second with both arms spread out for balance.

"They are still there, a few of them.."

"Go! Just go!"


The clicking sound of intimidation reappeared again from them. We started to hear movements on the trees behind us. But it is too late because we have landed on the sandy beach where we came from. There are a few females, posing an aggressive stance. I let out a loud yell as we approached them. They turned backwards for a moment and it's too late for them.

"Run! Run! RUN!"

We managed to escape.

15 August 2011

5 hour guest

You're too cute. Lustful as a long fastened sex-deprived boy.

"Now, what can we do?" was my first and last question before engaging into a sinful kiss under strips of morning light who managed to escape the window blinds.

Did I mention you're the first in this year making me feel so comfortable on bed? Yes. Three times in a row until we sleep in each others' sweat. Your sultry lips coupled with our wet tongue crossings was just something I have been looking for.

The shower after was sensual as I first and finally learned to give a him a full body lathering adorned with smooches all over.

After that, he called you.

An hour of small talk follows.

"your bf?"


Hours had now gone through since I left you on the train station. You're still messaging me.

Hope the coming months in Volgograd will pull you and your love closer than the few hours we had.

I shouldn't have talked to you.

Well, there's always conditions.

It's funny when people discuss love marriage vs arranged.

It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

10 August 2011

Lucid #3

I cannot yell for attention not because no one is around me for the next couple of kilometers. Even if I could, that won't be necessary.

Strangely, there was only one greenish-blue streetlamp, faintly illuminating my old Saga not far away from me. Driver's door wide opened, the radio was playing loud static. Listening to it in detail was a hallowing requiem - the final song of my life.

Leaning on the cold tarmac completely depleted, I looked deep into the starry sky, then down to my abdomen. The wound still fresh, and torrents of blackish red keeps oozing until I felt the road wet on my back.

Soon, a faint glow appeared on the edge a tunnel next to me. It looks inviting. After all, what's left to live for but chasing lights at the end? Gathering the bits of strength left, I shivered myself towards the source, which now appears brighter under each agonizing crawl. The radio static now gets louder and louder and louder and louder and...

07 August 2011

Last Night

Was the first having just enough sleep after strings of strange nightmares the nights before.

03 August 2011

Lucid #2

"Strange. My room is never this damp.." muttered in my heart as I step inside to discover a hallow scene. The walls wet, dark, and covered with patches of blackened moss. The atmosphere smells like a wet night in the tropical forest.

I knelt before him immediately upon sight. He who lies on a rusty steel bed with the position in the room vaguely similar to mine, as if everything is happening my room now. Jin is dying, be him the only straight friend who I knew and love so dear. He knows almost all of my secrets. Almost.

His breath progressively shallow with eyes slowly going out of focus turning upwards. I held his hand, pressed it and shout. He gained his focus, eyes looking into mine for a split second before his hand finally lose its grip. There were no conversation. I did not cry. I merely hoped that he could have made it but I stayed, still holding his motionless hand..

My head lowered beside his, eyes closed, showing my last grief before figuring out what really happened.

Dead silence.

Then, there is a motion. The burning short candle beside his bed started flickering violently, but there was no wind. There was no sound either. The room turns darker as the candle started to dance out if its life.

Suddenly, his hand tightened. It was a shock at first but the feeling of pain increased. Clearly in the state of surprise, I witnessed. His eyes remained closed but it is very much alive.. this is not Jin.

Its eyes now opened big, like an angry cat with yellow iris. The familiarity of his feature gone as his skin thinned with jawbones becoming visible. I cannot run. It awakens from sleep and hovered over my face, appearing larger and larger until it covered my field of vision.

I fall on the wet floor, motionless. I cannot scream, I cannot speak. It was staring not on my eyes, but into my heart. That instant was overwhelmed with baneful judgement, anger and disappointment.

Before the devouring, the candle-flame finally extinguished. The horror ended because I do not have to see it, and I realized I am waking up in front of an innocent teddy bear. A rejected gift my brother failed to pass to his girlfriend.

02 August 2011

Lucid #1

Then, I realized my mother was sitting beside, looking into my eyes, holding my arms. The window behind her was brightly lit with the blinds pulled all way up. The leaves of the tree vaguely moving, glittering from the gentle touch of the morning sun.

I felt the corners of my eyes soaked with tears so warm. Never once I felt this way and I asked her, was all that possible? Could he have felt that way?

"Please don't be silly, Savoir. He certainly will NOT feel this way. We only wishes the best from you."

* * *

The sound of a rattan cane just slashed on the tanned skin as I took it with the pull of every nerve, trying to stop the signal registering pain sent to my brain. I told myself never cry from that moment of torment because I am not at fault. Then it was the usual loud scolding, from someone I never thought I would spend a night talking in the future.


The words are almost meaningless as much as its worth coming out from him. This is just another routine of the day after spending hours in the palm oil estate, toiling for an effective irrigation. In the usual hot afternoon, I'll have to take care of his coffee shop, cleaning emptied teacups and phlegm laden spitting pails of the mahjong gamblers.

Of course, he too, work much more than I did. As a son, I could only help as much as he ordered me to do so (not without scoldings and beatings). With most days I spent not entering classes, the hours are spent here with mud around my knee and soap on my bare hands. The rest of my little time spent with my neighborhood friends diving into the clear river next to my wooden home. Of course, mother must not know this, else I'll get another session for not doing house chores.

* * *

"Eh, you know we cannot take two live wires from the socket and short them right? Why ah? I know if you do so, the fuse will blow. Don't kill yourself in experiments okay.."

I was staring into my eldest son, asking something completely out of the range in my profession. This is a response from the trinkets he is doing in his room with all that gadgets and so called projects that I am curious to find out, but too afraid if I would ever understand.

I know he is interested in a subject called physics, and recently he has told me, showed me, and explained to me a lot on ideas I know I will learn if I'd pay attention in the classroom fifty years ago.

"yup, pa, that's because...."

Followed by two hours of lectures on the difference between DC and AC circuits, simplified to layman terms such that he know I could understand. Of course, he should know that I will most likely forget most of what he had just told me as soon as I leave this room. Nevertheless, he keep answering my questions.

I am not tired listening, but I hoped I could understand in a deeper level, as much as how he sees it. That way, I believe he will enjoy telling me without the need of reducing the ideas into layman terms.

* * *

Then I sat on the corner of my white plain bed. The room slowly shrink and the wall darkens black to only a slight beam from a bright spotlight that appears to come out of nowhere. I sat there motionless while staring at my roughened palm.

All those years of working in a small carpentry workshop has paid off little to feed my family. But I hoped that I have studied more so I could provide them a better environment. Today, I stare at myself. With only that much I know, I hope he does not mind a father like me. And I hope I could understand how he feels in his passion to become an aspiring physicist.


If I only had know more while I was young.

Strings of tears, never a drop fell for anyone for so long finally shed for my son.

01 August 2011


"I'm falling in luv with u d :P"

"My dear, you have to use the four letter word carefully. Save it for the only person you'll be giving yourself to. I once said it carelessly and that haunted me for 9 months and counting."

"Thank you, but yeah, to who?"

"my ex."

"Then where is he now?"

"I don't know and I care less about him anyway. He has broken my heart as much as I shattered his."

"sth happened?"

"yeah, multiple chains of events leading to this mess. I have mistakes, he have problems. Not for each other. All sums up become a disaster lo."

"haha, you miss him."

"excuse me?"

"I said from ur conversation, I know you still miss him. Ok, hey my bf is here d, chat with you next time Savoir!"

"Have a nice evening, ZY."

Can't believe you haunt me for so long.

妈的, 想到你就想一巴掌掴你脸烂!

26 July 2011


Two bits of of glowing candle lights, in the depth of darkness. Just a little bit. Staring into it's brightness, flickering around a perspiring glass of good gin.

So many thoughts floating at the moment, suffocating, so completely saturated.

Was it friendship? Relationship? Family? Or the purpose of living this life?

Perhaps all. Just a little bit.

For now, only the blur shadows of the crystalline liquid safeguards my sanity - only to it's tipping point.

Just a little bit.

"Photos and moments in memory that wet the corners of eyes. so much gratitude and sorry never sent. never received. never heard of."

25 July 2011


Is it just me or everyone has issues on coming out to their family? (for those who's not out yet specifically to a group of fabulous boys in their 20's)

Father has made his statement from a quote in a newspaper cutout:

如果没有时间谈恋爱, 那么你必须准备时间相亲.

18 July 2011


"Hey, that piccolo guy, Vincent, tell him la... he's blowing the wrong instrument."

"Min, please pay attention to the performance."

An abrupt stop of hand waving, the sound of music comes to a still. They paused for a second and then all of them raised and lowered themselves.

The theater applaud. Roars of demand for an encore.

13 July 2011

So.. What do you do?

She is perhaps the happiest person among our click, she could crack herself into uncontrolled laughter even at the slightest tickle of joke. We knew that since we started going out so often after school almost three years ago. Yeah, those were the days living under ignorant bliss before diving into this community, before the introduction of Axcest.

Now, she's still that same joyous girl we all know and happen to be the only one who knows about this little secret of mine. (Perhaps not too secretive after all when people started to suspect) We were all still on the same table in the same cafe, talking about the difference and similarities, the typical lifestyle in the campus we have been exposed since the last day we met in the exam hall.

Then, she asked me a question that reminds me of a few incidence.

"Savoir, have you been asked on what you're doing (academic pursue) now?"

And I knew where this conversation is going to lead. A topic I have always wanted to share - a debate on the effects of social media.

"Well, yes of course."

"I remember this one time, I was in this club with a few new friends of mine... and then, at one point one of them asked me: 'So.. what do you do?' and I answered him: 'I do physics.'" He begged for pardon as he thought he heard something else until I clarified again: "Physics, as in you know.. Fizik."

"What happened?"

"He got stuck for a while, trying to process what I have told him. Then he squinted his cute eyes and said: 'So.. Physics.. Isn't it like.. engineering?"

She could barely cover her grin, and I continued: "Uh.. No.. Physics is pure science, we study into the deep side of things. Things engineers will invent or apply after what physicists discovered. Things like, nuclear science."

Immediately, he pushed his eyes wide and gave me: "oh... so you guys like.. made bombs?"

* * *

So I asked her after she just recovered from an excessive laughter: "Didn't you have similar responses as well when people ask you on your program?"

"On rare cases la." she said. "Sometimes, I get comments like 'Psychology? Who are you going to psycho?'"

We both chuckled.

* * *

See, this is the type of response I usually get especially when I talk to non-science informed friends. Absolutely no prejudice here because I know we grow up from different educational background hence we are exposed to different things academically. However, mass media is also a place where people learn most of their things other than formal education.

Think about the word "radiation", It sounded almost synonymous with nuclear bomb and death as portrayed in many media instances, giving public that shadow of fear they might never understand why. Twas, we are lazy to read through the details.

Personally, I never liked physics applied as nuclear bomb. Take most physicist at the point of time when development of the first atomic bomb was underway, they disagree science being used as a tool for mass murder. Einstein himself regrets deeply for signing the paper urging President Roosevelt for initiating the Manhattan Project. Even nuclear power is unnecessary for most of the case. It boast safety but that is if security of the waste management and the plant itself is under control. The unit of energy I use in nuclear science is the electron-volt, not Kilotons.

This is just a thought, an example, on how easily people can be affected by effective visual and/or audio exposure. Which is also the reason why I have almost given up on the portrayal of idealism. Who is to say having a perfectly built body, impeccable tailoring and flawless complexion are all the characteristics of an ideal partner? Rampant sex as the in thing? Why physical sciences are boring? Also the development of politics, economics, social norms, hierarchy, status, and the list goes on and on...

"That's just because you failed to get what you want." replied as an argument.

I fail to bound myself by the masses of psychological steel chain.

10 July 2011

Your Turn.

It was the usual slow traffic in the suburbs of Petaling. The morning sun hung low, as if hiding under a blanket of orange haze. We just done our breakfast and the day about to begin as we are ten minutes from dropping her by the office.

Inside the car was silence not because we did not have a topic to talk about. Perhaps all possible reason of conversations has finished, or plain gazing into the daunting task of the day stalled her. A moment later, she thought of something and broke the silence:

"So, 你有没有 girlfriend?"

Awkward silence for a moment, but I then realize a response was necessary. Hence, I gave her a bitter smile at first, then with a vague but solid one-word answer:


She continued immediately:

"做么没有 girlfriend?"

That question caught me for that instant, but I quickly answered with the standard sentence which I composed and stored on the hard-disk of my mind long ago as a safety-block since I entered this little dysfunctional world to stop further suspicion in a conversation heading towards this direction.

"Why? Single 不懂几好, there's freedom to do anything. 没有约束, 不需要跟人交待."

She replied with three seconds of void, looking into the bright glare of windscreens as if she understood the reason why I didn't not opt for any relationship at the moment, but her inner-self keeps nagging that this could be a sign of her child giving hints on his preference. However she has chosen to ignore it.

"没有啦, 只是我在想通常年轻人像你这样.. 应该会有 girlfriend 了.. 有时我觉得在 office 的 Ian 也是奇怪. 这样大了还没有 girlfriend."

"But, Ian 只大我一岁.. Where got strange? "


She shrugged.

* * *

The sun was about to set and the old red car just stopped right in the yellow box. "perfect" I told myself. But it was a tiring day after a few hours of intense conversation about life, lifestyle, perspectives and snips-snaps of Fd reminding scenes. I told myself the bed is not too far from here and I gathered myself with a sigh to walk upstairs towards the pink door.

"Weii, 吃饭了... 来来来.. 一起吃."

Today there's a new guest which I don't always see. A shorter and clumsier figure was sitting at the corner of the small table, neatly squeezed with the rest of my family members. I thanked silently to goodness that my brother did not bring his girlfriend tonight. The chopsticks were barely enough.

The dishes was homely, but most certainly appetizing. Mom will never be stingy when it comes to food, especially a good Chinese dinner. I smiled at mom, and her who sits at the corner.

She looks at me with that face I always can't stop myself giving a hearty hug. Without further due time, I sat next to her, which is my usual favorite spot and everyone started. Sound of metals clanging with fine china soon followed.

Ah ma seldom eat dishes available on the table even if it was abundant. She put things in her mouth very quickly with plain rice and went down with a few tablespoons of soup. I couldn't help myself but to tear bits of fishes and other soft food into her bowl, but it almost always comes with a frown on her forehead saying it's enough.

Then suddenly she asked in her mother tongue (Hokkien):

"几时像你的弟弟这样, 带(女)朋友回来?" [I saw her, your brother's (girl)friend. When you are going to bring a (girl)friend and let me see?]

I looked into her gracious and hopeful eyes and replied a polite nod laced with a generous smile. I didn't say anything because it was not necessary. No words for that moment while my parents look into each other.

Mom smirked.

08 July 2011

Peludah Warna

Kuasa gusar kini menggelegak murka;
warna kuning diisytihar racun terbisa.
Diragutnya baju-T segeram tenaga
dan diumum itulah busana bahaya.

Tapi, kita jahit semula perca kain,
menjadikannya panji terindah dan tulen.
Warna kuning yang teramat tenang dan syahdu
kita kembalikan damai ke dalam qalbu.

Kini cahaya mentari mungkin diramas
dan sinar kuningnya juga mungkin dicantas.
Memanglah mereka kini peludah warna
sedang menghimpun lendir kahak sebanyaknya.

Kerana nikmat amat lama berkuasa,
kuasa pun seolah menjadi hartanya.

- sasterawan negara A. Samad Said

29 June 2011


That they almost exclusively floats during times when I am taking a shower or driving, which the latter seems more dangerous obviously.

Yesterday I freaked my mother out when I hit the steering wheel shouting "YES!" after I figured out a way to house the photodetector. Poor lady.

On and all, life seems very much stable after progressive weeks of industrial training. I like the place where I work but, the progress seems remarkably slow. The boss appears always occupied and the work she gave seems elementary. Sometimes I wonder when will she start giving me something a little more profound.

I now reconsider of extending my period of internship. Perhaps, I might find a simple project more rewarding in terms of gratification of building the whole system with my own hands and wits.

Now I hope my friends are forgiving, especially you. For I have missed the times of joy, your day and your smile even if it had occurred just since a shameful disaster in the weekend.

I curse the perpetrator for all prejudice.

As all ugly within my family, stays temporarily out of words now. This week has been a little... nasty. But hey, there is nothing good without bad isn't it? That is our universe's secret.

I know you could understand. :)

28 June 2011

Unggun Bersih

Semakin lara kita didera bara -
kita laungkan juga pesan merdeka:
Demokrasi sebenderang mentari
sehasrat hajat semurni harga diri.

Lama resah kita - demokrasi luka;
lama duka kita - demokrasi lara.
Demokrasi yang angkuh, kita cemuhi;
suara bebas yang utuh, kita idami!
Dua abad lalu Sam Adams berseru:
(di Boston dijirus teh ke laut biru):
Tak diperlu gempita sorak yang gebu,
diperlu hanya unggun api yang syahdu.

Kini menyalalah unggun sakti itu;
kini merebaklah nyala unggun itu.

- A. Samad Said

# Something worth jotting down.

19 June 2011

Reality (shortened)

I'm so damn sick from the persuades of reality.

Money cannot buy ALL of happiness okay? You guys have to realize there are some retards in this money and sex driven world like me are just happy with the things I like to do, so please keep that industrialist idea aside and leave me with my useless theoretical physics and the meaningless picture of the universe.


05 June 2011


It was 9.30pm, I arrived at the cafe alone, found a somewhat comfortable spot, sat and ordered a glass of iced milo awaiting the guest to appear.

M shows up soon. Upon appearance, he told me there's going to be Firsty and Sun coming later.

All's fine.

* * *

I know tonight there's a couple sitting beside our table. During our conversations, M kept raising his voice to attract attention from all directions, specifically intended for the cute boy from next table. The conversation covers nothing more, nothing less than just sex.

Then, was about his boyfriend from Pakistan.

Then, was about how he emotionally cheated his boyfriend with this caring Indian friend.

Then, was about how people dump money on the bed after sessions with him.

Soon came Sun.

M ask Sun to comment on Middle Easterns on bed.

Sun said they are violent. Both agrees.

She mentioned she cheated.

She mentioned which position was her favourite.

She mentioned how her ex abused her on bed so she dumped him.

She mentioned how another ex dumped her.

Then Firsty arrived late.

He flaunt webcam sex with Juns.

He reminds me the make-out sessions he made with cute Sher.

He mentioned his favorite sexual position of all time.

He reminded how he knows about my sexual life.

"What's the kinkiest thing you guys have done?" "how about Sun? you Firsty? how about you Savoir?" "What's your favourite moment on the bed?" "Oh you know ah, his mother know about us already lo, and kinda ok with it oh.." "You know what I like? I like to force the bottom to suck me lo, and I'll push it in deep so he'll gag. I find it very turn on!" "oh Iranians ah, they don't care how you feel wan lo on the bed, just fuck until they happy then they leave. Not even foreplay. My bf don't even want to kiss me before sex."

I don't even want to count the times how many sentences with words like sex, cum, fuck, slut, cheating came out blatantly, not to mention the heads that turned a few times each time these words come out.

I think there's something called speech ethics, and tonight, this table have not been abiding any of the given rules if there are still any left from this modern, media-influenced world.

"Hey, you're working in Singapore right? Have you been to the Pink Dot?"

"Pink dot haven't start yet lar! Get UPDATED ok!"

* * *

I stared at the glowing yellow lights reflected upon the sapphire glass on my watch. Both hands are pointing eleven.

"I should go."

"What you have a CURFEW?"

"I have to work tomorrow, waking up early to avoid.."

"I leave at 3! (to Singapore)" *Firsty toss his usual sarcastic glare*

"That's your problem."

*looks at M, indicating me* "He's such a bitch.."

* * *

Come and think of it, I am so glad of my fast decision a few years ago because Firsty had only show me the ugly side more and more as months and years goes by.

Time has come to move forward in life. No more small bimbo talk on the pleasure of cheating and fun of rampant sex. No more gossips on bed abilities and romanticism of different races.

I guess ...

I am growing up.

And I see these friendships slowly fading away.

03 June 2011

傻, 明知还要仆下去.

Baru disedari oleh sahabatmu bahawa betapa pandirnya aku membenarkan peluang kepada sendiri mempercayai kita mempunyai cahaya harapan walaupun kecerahan sinaran tersebut adalah suram sekali.

Bertepuk sebelah tangan tidak akan membawa sebarang faedah.

Sila mengizinkan saya mengucapkan selamat tinggal dan selamat berjaya.

30 May 2011

Deep Down

I want stability. Maturity. Trust and respect. But currently I am doing things which doesn't reflects too much into that.

I'm tired.

Tired of giving hopes. Tired of receiving hints of relationships because of unforgivable mistakes I always make during a relationship. Perhaps it has all never been love. Emotional avalanches never quite happened. Love so far has been just a word, a second-hand emotion from the growing lust through period of missing bed actions and raging hormones.

I cannot blame the body. It's the youth I suppose? The time to experience things?

Right now, there is a potential in line of sight, again. Another cycle from someone of a considerably previous acquaintance which I've missed for a year.

However, I hate the fact that we are not doing anything. He didn't intend it. Perhaps due giving heart unaccepted some time ago? I might not be truly into it after all. The fear of myself incapable of working a relationship out of acquaintance are both staggering and real.

I had just enough for all those bla relationships precipitated from overnight sex.

I see now golden sunshine everyday on the busy Federal highway, whether through it inspired for work or back with thoughts on ideas how to spend the night without getting too tired for the next day. Life has been fulfilling because I like my job even though it seems to be a little draggy.

What's left is that special person who's able to listen and experience together. That charisma, that intelligence and that simple thought of waking up into his generous smile.

Give me a chance to change. Please.

Time flows quick before the train leaves the station. Why are you leaving again whenever I am looking for it?

Fate haven't been kind.

* * *

"actually, right now? I'm pretty satisfied with that I'm having now."

"what do you mean?"

"Well, you know, I am now in my holidays working where I wanted to, got car, got house, not in short of money to live, loving parents, nice brother, friends who I cherish so much, life itself."

"That's surface. Are you really satisfied with your life now?"

* * *

Floating amber of sodium lights illuminates the dimming fire that is deep within. The steering wheel and reflections of the rear-view mirror watches as a silent, controlled weep took over my tired eyes.

29 May 2011

Stating the obvious

Fidelity is a rare asset these days.

27 May 2011

In some cases, some things never change.

Since Ipoh two weeks ago, it never came to me that today is the day until he text me 24 hours ago. A seemingly innocent message, an invitation for a dinner over his place.

The mother was not in and the dinner became supper instead.

Whatever we bought from the night market wasn't really in my mind because his face reminds me how I was attracted to him since the first few time we met. In that flowy conversation, I came finally to a rest at the edge of a huge executive table from all that restless stray little steps in his living room. The pondering and all-that-awkwardness-to-ask finally came to a halt.

"now, tell me something honestly. Do you have some sort of expectations when I said I am coming over tonight?" The question comes with a little curvy thing at the end of my eye and lips. Something like a insidious hint.

He tapped his palm on the green sofa cushion next to him.

* * *

I like it when we are doing it both ways, reciprocal, not single sided. Tonight that thing come true, he give me a deep passionate kiss on the edge of his bed while letting me sink slowly on the surface of comfort.

"hug me from behind."

I let out an uncontrolled whispering moan when he give pressure on my back, holding me tight while delivering that careful kiss on my neck. It was also in this session I realized what turns him on.

Questions came across in flash as why my fingers aren't sweating as it so used to be. It doesn't matter. That grants me a smoother way to tingle his senses. We were calling names when we know we do it right.

A sound of keys jingle shattered every motion when we know his mother is back. I thought it the night is over and I picked up my clothes. He gets up, turned on the radio and pushed my hands away while I slowly let go of the shirt I thought I will be wearing.

I like the way how we hugged. How his feature looks. How the blue light from the radio draws the line of his silhouette.

"but your mom? Won't she knock or.."

"you're worth it"

That sounded most flattering and I never came across the reason why I kissed his lips then moved to his cheeks while we are continuing our process to touch.

The realization of all it's pleasure did not dawn on me until the next day when all is over, waking up to an empty home. A text message from him confirms the same was felt on the other side.

* * *

"well, I never had anything since I came back from Johore"

"That explains your load."

I lied.

Had something in Ipoh, but it doesn't worth it.

19 May 2011

Warning Letter #1

The electric current that burnt the resistors can be sufficient to kill you. Always send your progress first before proceeding to next. Please understand that during the whole training period, you are required to work under supervision, thus please work seriously and carefully.

30 April 2011



"It's amazing what kind of pervert we've become in the past 3 years."

"I know, I know. Well at least now we don't have to pretend that each new sexual experience is like a life alternating event."

29 April 2011


Vivant : Definition : (adj) living, alive, lively, vivid.

Wake up in 8 with all somber heart to think of yet another day will pass by without anything productive.

It was at the bus stop again, I was brought to life once more from nothing more than just what nature has to offer.

It was baptized by the gentle rays - Lights through morning mist, left over from the storm last night. Drifting gnats and suspended silks of silver drifting behind the sea of clear blue.

I closed my eyes while enjoying the splendor with my ears under a deep breath.


A ruffle refreshed the greens, and tired yellow petals starts to fall...

The edge my my lips curled to a crescent.

And I never thought I have to describe a simple morning. So simple, yet so beautiful.

20 April 2011

Cher professeur,

I think you have some attitude adjustments to do. I know, you have gone through heaps of academic works and research to get that title but really, professor, I think you should not look at students with that kind of perspectives.

Dr, you have to understand students like us not only have to eat (many) complex theories which you have briefly sweep through in class with that rather simple slideshows.

Obviously, they don't understand what they were looking at when facing the materials and that ultimately end up with students trying to swallow things from books for your exams and plagiaries others work for your assignments.

So, students who memorizes everything in your texts and then vomits out in exam, creating the illusion of understanding . Do you think they really deserve the grades?

Frankly, they annoy me to no ends.

Also, we haven't just got you as our sole lecturer. Since we have 18 credit hours to fill in one semester, there are other lecturers to which some have similar requirements like you. So, you have to give us some space to breathe.


I want to thank you still, for recognizing me as the top student in your class.

I will do my best in the finals.

17 April 2011

Q1. Geometrical Logic

Suppose a perfect cubic box with all sides 10cm.

Suppose a sphere with its radius equal to 1cm.

How many spheres can possibly fit into a box with the previously stated dimensions?

14 April 2011


Another cycle is coming soon. Here comes the torrent of academic works.

p/s: Like wow, is that muscle or tumor? I can't tell.

10 April 2011

Analytics #1

1. You have sharp eyes. You see good sense of space and how the world works around you.

2. You can close your eyes and "see" images. You have innate artistic talent.

3. Since you think in pictures, visual aids and demonstrations help you learn best.

4. You would make a good navigator, sculptor, visual artist, inventor, architect, interior designer, or engineer.

5. It seems you're a Philomath - a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books.

6. You are highly intelligent, especially in areas that deal with concrete knowledge and facts.

7. You are amazingly analytical. You can make sense of chaos without involving your emotions.

8. If anything, you tend to be overly logical. It's sometimes hard for you to come to a decision, because you're too busy weighing all the options.

9. It says you're a cat because you are curious about the world but still an individual. You prefer to be a solo explorer.

10. You enjoy your alone time, but you also like some quiet company from time to time.

11. You crave companionship, even if it means just spending time in the same room together.

and of course the last part where I find what she said, quite adequate to what I have in mind.

"You prefer to date a man who's worldly and wise. He's got to be as sophisticated as you are."

I think that's the reason why I used to like you.

Until I see what you have become today, the very sight of your face irks into the deepest corner of my shadowed heart.

31 March 2011

雅观是个人的观点. 败.

"Oh I just called to tell you I'm in KL already"

"ok.. nice to know you're back safely. Talk to you some other day!"


What was I thinking? Has desperation for physical action blinded myself from something so aesthetically wrong?


I confess. I have an insatiable drive lately and I almost lost my self-control to the point I can actually let myself go for just anyone I know who are into penises and buttholes.

Whatever that happened, doesn't justify the actions I have let myself done.

* * *

"Oh, a mail."

A silent smile, facing the white computer screen in yet another warm night. Since joining this website, uploading just two pictures can attract 250 profile views in three days.

"Not bad ah."

Thought I could see some potentials to be brought on the bed. Then there was the message displayed as a few lines asking what I am into from this apparent decent looking boy from the capital. A string of casual conversation follows until the message asking for the room address, I finally asked his name.

It was less than 24 hours before we first meet, that night before closing my tired eyes, I received his contact for a certain internet social networking page.

Upon checking;

The jaws dropped.

* * *

One hour was the period of time I spent sitting at the warm corner of an overrated restaurant, waiting for his arrival.

A figure appeared and I know it's him because the waitress sitting in front of me stopped her hands from wiping a fork she was holding. Her eyes raised and focused on the only subject that captured her attention - him.

When he placed himself a seat, her eyes remains fixated to our direction, perhaps pondering the possibilities of reason why two person of such huge differences can sit on the same table.


I hold my tongue for a while, trying to rearrange my sentences before something ugly unintentionally slipped from the edges of my lips.

"You look.. extravagant today." adorned with a polite smile.

"What.. no la"

And that's that fake shyness from him.

"uh.. I suppose this is one of your most normal clothes you wear?"

"no la.."

"ok.. hmm. What were you wearing in your profile pic? Was that a dress?"

"uh no, that is a piece of cloth lar. I was wearing a long pants in the inside, kam ngam the camera angle captured it looks like a dress lo."

"I see.. So, what do you do?"

"oh, you saw my page right? I'm a fashion consultant. Working in this industry is... ... ... ..."

I can't help it.

You really cannot blame me for not able to listen all what you've said because after all, you are not speaking as loud as your appearance (especially your hair).

Now then, the advice from Dr. Elf some time ago, spelled out like an ominous chant on my mind, reminding me not to lose the integrity.

And yet.

§ § §

Niat hati hendak memancing temenung, sudah terpancing ikan setoka.

23 March 2011

What is a Bottom?

BL once told me I'm not a boyfriend material. Short, direct and sharp. That, he said was due the standards and personality I possess.

Fd once told me that I look down on people. He gave that beam of sight that the sentence was self-explanatory.

Words that I take note, a view outside of the human shell I live, and those words kept me in check for a while everytime when a scoop of warm water drench on my tired body at the end of the day.

Am I selfish?

I don't know.

If I have the tendency of wanting the affection like an independent diva wants from a working man, does that makes me needy?

And the need for a pair of warm comforting arms hugging from behind, does it mean I'm fragile?

If I deny my a-hole, but demand the occasional kiss on the forehead in thoughts, does that means cowardice?

So Bottom, everyone would say. But really, I'm still clean on the back.

Am I selfish?

I don't know.

It has been so many things I've paced. The ups, the downs, the far, the near, the silly, the serious and the shit. It never quite really fits, the one. Through times and tries, there were so many mistakes, some new and some stubborn, yet, I never seem to understand what I truly belong.

Am I sad? no.

Am I happy? neither.

What am I?


21 March 2011


Then, a sentence cracked during an intense argument between a rebellious boy and a furious mother who just learnt her son was sleeping with a so-called friend he brought back yesterday.

The condom was carelessly left on the dark corners of the messy bed.

"What is wrong with you?! What was my mistake in the efforts of bringing you up? Why are you doing this to yourself!?"

Silence hit for a few seconds before she continues the thundering voice. He can only make up from those words that she was utterly disappointed not at him, but herself for not having enough responsibility in raising a child.

Then, her voice tumble into a pleading advise, asking the only child not to brave himself anymore into that dysfunctional circle. She told him she knew better in the past.

"Please mom, I know the colors of the city. I had sex with more men than you. I can take care of myself!"

Followed soon a loud slam of the door.

She looks into her palms with her tired eyes while pondering the mistake she made twenty-two years ago and gasped with a drop of silent tear.

"There's always a reason why your dad calls you son of a bitch."

An inaudible sigh amidst the painful reflection.

17 March 2011


"Hey Savoir, do you have porn? Hehe."

"If you have it, can I copy from you now? Later I have the time and chance to watch. Haha! Please reply. Thanks!"

"Actually, I don't really have. I needed it too actually. Too bad."

"Haha. Ok, then what are you doing now?"

"My work and stuff. Why?"

"Hehe. Want to see your wild side can ar?"

"Actually, I meant to tell you that time what we had was something out of my desperation and it reminds me how promiscuous I am. So I am not doing it again already. Sorry. Hope you understand."

"Affected by the recent case in the news? Haha. So you think that we are doing something wrong? Come on. We are both single now and we need it. Can't we do it again? Maybe just some kissing and sucking. Well, tell you honestly, I have been missing doing it with you again so badly."

"Not just that. I really mean it. Just that I am not interested in sex for the moment already. No hard feelings. I understand the need is different for different people, you should find someone else."

"I think something are bothering you now. Like last time, you are kinda depressed. I think you need to talk to someone. I'll go to your place now. Don't worry, I'm not going to force you. Just want to make sure that you are fine. You want to open the door or not is up to you. But I hope you will open it. Just talking. I promise. See you!"

"I'm not in my room."

"Ok, please make sure that you are fine and do contact me if you want to talk to to someone or you are looking for a listener. Kinda worried about you now. Getting more emo."

"I'm fine. Just a few official things and a lot of exams to settle. No prob. If got things I needed to let out I call you out to yum cha ok? :)"

"up to you."

§ § §

Sudah jelas niat disampaikan, tiadalah manfaat kalau dipaksa.

Jikalau tidak berada-ada, masakan tempua bersarang rendah.

Bermaksud tentu adanya sebab yang tersembunyi makalah (terjadi) demikian.

15 March 2011

What happened to Tom?

Today, war and famine almost become a distant past.
Cure for strains are found faster, deaths from natural disasters are reducing.
Science and technology are proving itself more efficient.
Everyone smiling in fortunate places of the world.

But amidst all the depthless joy, the world is plagued by a new disease.

It's called superficiality.

11 March 2011


Little Willie,

That highlighted hairdo is an eyesore,
the group of friends you have;
almost like you
adorned glossy sling bags and white ironed shirts,
in this mall where you should be else,
flipping through page thirty four.

Little Willie,

That crackpot English,
the loud Mandarin voice,
sitting on the benches,
Laughing hysterically with your vulgar lips.

Little Willie,

Barely seventeen.
You don't have a car.
A clueless mother waiting,
you walk through your youth,
lured by insatiable attention,
looking into the dying ambers of the city.

Little Willie,

Street lights are not kind.
You have only yourself,
see, shout, laugh and cry.
Is it worth the cigarette ashes?

10 March 2011

A (very short) breather

Even though I no longer stay on the ground floor since the beginning of this semester, the morning mist still delivers the same kind of feeling upon waking up in such ungodly hours.

A turn of a rusty knob, streams of frigid water ran through a tired body. The mind immediately shudders from the insomnia a night before, and I thought there will be no wake up call more effective than this.

* * *

The best part waking up before dawn on Saturday is the privilege to walk on the center of a busy road, letting the amber street lights illuminate your quiet journey to the destination.

There is a reason why I force myself to complete all tasks at hand before today, and I finally realize I'm going to live it through. Picturing the surprise on the faces of my family and friends, I found myself grinning silly along the way.

* * *

"Hi mom, how's everyone?"

"Oh daddy and me is doing good. Your brother is doing the cooking tonight wor, so we had our dinner already."

"Brother cooks today?"

"Unbelievable? Never mind la, next time when you come back, you can ask him to cook for you."

"But I feel like eating tonight.."

The button on the left of the door never felt so good to press.

03 March 2011

Bisou, à vous remercier

"To enclose the line charge distribution with a cylindrical Gaussian surface, that means now I need the area of cylinder."

I paused for a second for the formula,

"2πrt. But, Isn't that just the area of the main pillar of the cylinder? What about the caps on both end?"

"Clever. Now let me ask you why do you need the caps? Note the electric field lines that crosses the caps are perpendicular to the dA vector, which are the caps."

"That means 90°, Cosθ = 0, No need to include the caps. But BL, doesn't Gauss laws state that the Gaussian surface must be enclosing?"

"Uh, that one, I can't help you. It's just maths we are dealing with."

Then I crawled to your side and gave you that peck. Wouldn't learn better without you.

p/s: Ok, that's aside. I needed the understanding though. Anyone knows the physical implication of not adding the caps of the cylinder into the Gaussian surface?

28 February 2011

Prezy Valentin 2011

The thought of you making that belt for my valentine's gift right after I mentioned it as an idea to wear for the class prom is.. sweet.

This time, I guess I've learned the way to see gifts in another perspective.

Is that never think a gift is a way to get to you by the heart even though sometimes it was meant to be. As such, feeling guilty for accepting a present is a kind of disrespect to the giver. If indeed it was meant to make you feel that way, you have the higher ground.

The privilege to choose is both a blessing and the same time, intoxicating.

Still, my feelings for you remains silently strange. Because you meant more to me anything else than just this gift.

You are my teacher, my student, my friend, my mentor, my gossip bitch, my comfort zone.

You are even my mutual sex partner.

The relationship between me, you, and SGG has never been so complicated.

24 February 2011


You are a sick demented faggot, but somehow you reserve yourself a bit of your liking towards that title.

You play with people's heart. You mess up people's thought.

At times you think of a kinky leather cuff. At times you think of a spiny Wartenberg wheel.

It doesn't really matter who meets you in your room because he will end up being eaten.

This time you denied me.

But you know you like that feeling.

The clichéd fuck-and-go just didn't cut the cake anymore. Do you have rape fantasies?

I'm sure you do.

19 February 2011

Heart's dim glitter

Ever wonder why chefs binge on instant noodle
or what makes doctors smoke?

18 February 2011

"I don't want"

I am still curious of your intentions tonight, but I really hate to read your thoughts. Yesterday we first met in my room on a hot humid day but despite your traceable perspiration, you allowed yourself to hug me.

The amazing part was, it was only just a hug. Precisely nothing more than that. Wait. There is one thing about you in the last moment before you leave, I felt a hint. That way we talk, that way you smile and that way you tease me.

* * *

Few days into the Chinese New Year, I've added you in Facebook. We've talked on texts and realized you've just lost your other half; it became strange for a stranger to console your emotional breakdowns, but apparently yesterday through your confession in our lengthy conversation, there was still a remainder of something in that paragraph of love between you and your Kuchingnite boyfriend which was never complete with a full stop. Through out the conversation, there were a lot of reflections and rustles of the past. It was more like a sign to tell you, that I am not really a person looking for a relationship right now.

I still have Mr. Min (of classic orchestral music) to deal with which has become quite something I want to stay out from. The lesson was that never fall into a person without thinking. It appears as if this journey always has been a harsh narrative in which I never learn.

Today, you came to my room again despite this time, your schedule with friends. You came twice, including nightfall, well knowing the circumstances of the risks. And I still, couldn't figure why your actions are so directly contradicting to your experiences and words.

* * *

"ah ah.. no kissing."

You stare into my eyes with your face, the triumphant smirk like one with the winning streak in the betting house. Disappointed within, I squinted my eyes and gave a puppy look while turning myself to the side of the bed.

Then I felt a touch, holding me, wanting me to continue the embrace.

It never went there of course. Our lips barely touched. I understand, with your personality and the current undergoing with your undefined partner in Sarawak, you didn't want anything more than that. And that's the value I appreciate.

I know you told me the fact you killed four boy's heart by giving them a sliver of hope is a kind of an advice, not to fall for you. But do you know, the reason why I told you mine? You indeed, put an expensive price tag on yourself.

Now go and make that phone call. Your boyfriend awaits the reunion.

14 February 2011


Of all days I have to choose the evening of valentine for the dinner. A dinner package for two to grant our first meeting.

That, was a huge mistake.

* * *

Half an hour ago, when the sun was at the edge of the horizon sharing its last crimson beam to the tired city, I stopped and parked my car, switched off the engine while waiting for his appearance at the entrance of Subang Commuter Station.

The train just passed and the figure which I am supposed to distinguish amongst the gushing crowd become increasingly difficult. Amidst the dazzle, he appears out, in quite the wrong way I expected it to be.

Photos are deceiving.

Weeks ago chatting with him via msn earns me a few photographs of my date tonight. He wasn't chopped liver, but he's not great looking either. Playful in his messages, so I figured he would be a fun person in real.

The instant at the sight of him in that now emptied train station, I have a vile thought of pressing the central lock of my car and drive away before he catch a glimpse on me.

Fortunately for him, my conscience override the superficiality set inside me and I opened the door before he reaches to welcome him. He smiled, and the way he resend his gratitude nothing fell short of reminding me the quacking of a duck.

I had to hide the dilation of my eyes.

* * *

Now twilight's over, we were be-seated on a table for two in the college restaurant. I got the dinner deal from a friend with a much cheaper price compared to other seductive dinner elsewhere tonight. But really, this is not exactly the date I wished for. Still, meeting him, I thought we could be friends perhaps.

The table setting was nice and warmed with tealights but the tacky heart-shaped ballon has to go.

Then, he started to reach for his phone...

And that was all there is for what happened.

* * *

"Uh, miss, do you serve alcoholic drinks here?"

"No sir, I'm sorry, the college doesn't allow. There are wine in the refrigerator but I'm not sure if you can have it, I'll check and be right back."

"Please, thank you."