28 February 2011

Prezy Valentin 2011

The thought of you making that belt for my valentine's gift right after I mentioned it as an idea to wear for the class prom is.. sweet.

This time, I guess I've learned the way to see gifts in another perspective.

Is that never think a gift is a way to get to you by the heart even though sometimes it was meant to be. As such, feeling guilty for accepting a present is a kind of disrespect to the giver. If indeed it was meant to make you feel that way, you have the higher ground.

The privilege to choose is both a blessing and the same time, intoxicating.

Still, my feelings for you remains silently strange. Because you meant more to me anything else than just this gift.

You are my teacher, my student, my friend, my mentor, my gossip bitch, my comfort zone.

You are even my mutual sex partner.

The relationship between me, you, and SGG has never been so complicated.

24 February 2011


You are a sick demented faggot, but somehow you reserve yourself a bit of your liking towards that title.

You play with people's heart. You mess up people's thought.

At times you think of a kinky leather cuff. At times you think of a spiny Wartenberg wheel.

It doesn't really matter who meets you in your room because he will end up being eaten.

This time you denied me.

But you know you like that feeling.

The clichéd fuck-and-go just didn't cut the cake anymore. Do you have rape fantasies?

I'm sure you do.

19 February 2011

Heart's dim glitter

Ever wonder why chefs binge on instant noodle
or what makes doctors smoke?

18 February 2011

"I don't want"

I am still curious of your intentions tonight, but I really hate to read your thoughts. Yesterday we first met in my room on a hot humid day but despite your traceable perspiration, you allowed yourself to hug me.

The amazing part was, it was only just a hug. Precisely nothing more than that. Wait. There is one thing about you in the last moment before you leave, I felt a hint. That way we talk, that way you smile and that way you tease me.

* * *

Few days into the Chinese New Year, I've added you in Facebook. We've talked on texts and realized you've just lost your other half; it became strange for a stranger to console your emotional breakdowns, but apparently yesterday through your confession in our lengthy conversation, there was still a remainder of something in that paragraph of love between you and your Kuchingnite boyfriend which was never complete with a full stop. Through out the conversation, there were a lot of reflections and rustles of the past. It was more like a sign to tell you, that I am not really a person looking for a relationship right now.

I still have Mr. Min (of classic orchestral music) to deal with which has become quite something I want to stay out from. The lesson was that never fall into a person without thinking. It appears as if this journey always has been a harsh narrative in which I never learn.

Today, you came to my room again despite this time, your schedule with friends. You came twice, including nightfall, well knowing the circumstances of the risks. And I still, couldn't figure why your actions are so directly contradicting to your experiences and words.

* * *

"ah ah.. no kissing."

You stare into my eyes with your face, the triumphant smirk like one with the winning streak in the betting house. Disappointed within, I squinted my eyes and gave a puppy look while turning myself to the side of the bed.

Then I felt a touch, holding me, wanting me to continue the embrace.

It never went there of course. Our lips barely touched. I understand, with your personality and the current undergoing with your undefined partner in Sarawak, you didn't want anything more than that. And that's the value I appreciate.

I know you told me the fact you killed four boy's heart by giving them a sliver of hope is a kind of an advice, not to fall for you. But do you know, the reason why I told you mine? You indeed, put an expensive price tag on yourself.

Now go and make that phone call. Your boyfriend awaits the reunion.

14 February 2011


Of all days I have to choose the evening of valentine for the dinner. A dinner package for two to grant our first meeting.

That, was a huge mistake.

* * *

Half an hour ago, when the sun was at the edge of the horizon sharing its last crimson beam to the tired city, I stopped and parked my car, switched off the engine while waiting for his appearance at the entrance of Subang Commuter Station.

The train just passed and the figure which I am supposed to distinguish amongst the gushing crowd become increasingly difficult. Amidst the dazzle, he appears out, in quite the wrong way I expected it to be.

Photos are deceiving.

Weeks ago chatting with him via msn earns me a few photographs of my date tonight. He wasn't chopped liver, but he's not great looking either. Playful in his messages, so I figured he would be a fun person in real.

The instant at the sight of him in that now emptied train station, I have a vile thought of pressing the central lock of my car and drive away before he catch a glimpse on me.

Fortunately for him, my conscience override the superficiality set inside me and I opened the door before he reaches to welcome him. He smiled, and the way he resend his gratitude nothing fell short of reminding me the quacking of a duck.

I had to hide the dilation of my eyes.

* * *

Now twilight's over, we were be-seated on a table for two in the college restaurant. I got the dinner deal from a friend with a much cheaper price compared to other seductive dinner elsewhere tonight. But really, this is not exactly the date I wished for. Still, meeting him, I thought we could be friends perhaps.

The table setting was nice and warmed with tealights but the tacky heart-shaped ballon has to go.

Then, he started to reach for his phone...

And that was all there is for what happened.

* * *

"Uh, miss, do you serve alcoholic drinks here?"

"No sir, I'm sorry, the college doesn't allow. There are wine in the refrigerator but I'm not sure if you can have it, I'll check and be right back."

"Please, thank you."

12 February 2011

A need of attachment

Saturday nights now it seems like routine SGG will come back from Singapore to cuddle his other half. This was in my room after a good meal thanks to the new (and aptly, the best) investment on a kitchenware I made since 2011.

"Ei, Savoir got a new bf leh. You ask him to show you la, he keeps his photo in his phone."

"Really? Eh Savoir, borrow see.."

"You should see lo, then tell (us) what (do) you think.."...

So, SGG moved his head closer and squint his little eyes just to blurt: "um..", He then paused for a moment, "Good lor. At least you don't have to worry people will steal him away from you."

** ** **

The semester break this time I owe no one else but myself for the first trial to say no to the stress-inducing student chapter in the campus; and to discover the free time during the holidays is truly a bliss. Especially after the major drama with Fd, which was just about to fade into the archives of my experiences.

Yet time can seem so scarce when it comes to collecting hours and minutes reuniting with old friends and meeting up with new people.

This one is another story, which start from weeks before the break through the internet. The first impression was rather a disappointment. No faces, no photos. All I have was a boy who's chatting with me time after time with topics revolving around sex after he discovered I am green with all the flirt.

To the day I met him, it was more of a reason to say 'yup, here you go. Now that you've seen me, I suppose it's a satisfaction to your curiosity and we can finally bid goodbye.' After a brief awkward period of language adjustments, we finally accepted English in front of the busy entrance of Bukit Bintang Monorial Station.

Somewhere amongst the superficial conversation, he pulled out his iPod, and I thought I had it enough for the day until he gave me a piece to share what's on his list.

Then this is what caught me.

It wasn't pop, it's neither R&B, not ballad and certainly not rock. It was all classical music, a neat collection of some well known composers from Mozart to Tchaikovsky. My heart paused for a while and thought.

Just maybe, this boy could be more than meets the eye?

A while later, we decided to stop in a lounge, cozy enough to offer wide sofa-bed to let ourselves, and it was there, I did something which I probably will regret.

07 February 2011

Voice In a Bar

"One thing about Shiela Majid's song is that, even though she is a fantastic jazz artist, the composition of her songs are more inclined to pop, as in pop jazz. Unlike Junji, her music is defined in her own unique way."

"I guess everyone has their style, but Junji is so talented. She has amazing voice, doesn't she?"

"Very true. That's why I love jazz, it's not about who wrote the music, it's more about the improvisations each individual artist done on the songs. Anyway, how is the food, Savoir?"

"The Vongole is too hot for me."

I silently wished you saw the embarrassment laid in the foldings of my eyes, for the sweat descending from both of my sideburns thanks to the fiery pasta, the skin on my face was peeling from the treatment I'm going through and yet, the things you've brought real to my experience - listening twice this time to her vocals (First was with Fd), I owe you more than just a simple thank you.

But I can see, that was all it takes to return that gratitude.


Her voice now softens into a tranquilizing harmony, blending in with piano played by her husband. With the plucks of a bass, it was a repertoire of decorative sound I cannot forget. Accompanying my night was a good friend and glasses of wine in a small but alluring bar.

* * *

I wanted liberty and freedom in almost all aspects of my life. Financial dependance is of course one of the few strings I wish to cut loose. Almost all the time, even though out of reluctance when I accept a buying of food from my dates, be it in the range of a few tenths of dollar to the maximum a guy could pay for his prized possession, it is difficult to me because it makes me feel I owe them an obligation.

People say, take the treats graciously because it was his will to buy. Quite right. And that is what I usually did.

Deep down, it was a kind of ticket to the heart. Just maybe, that is the reason why I made the mistake which I couldn't get out from my last ex.

* * *

This is just another moment in the day of the perpetually crowded foyer of KLCC. A boy who met with his elder friend not long ago, waiting for the one to finally make the choice where to have that late-tea. Their voice, almost inaudible amidst the unsettling blabber and discord of the walking shoppers.

"ok, I'm going to be a jerk now to tell you this: don't worry Savoir, I'm rich. Just say what you want to eat and I'll be buying."

"When you come to my age, you'll realize, money is not really after all, a problem."

The problem, is the market.


As if I don't know you're Fd.

Littleumbro? really?

And so much for self denial.

05 February 2011

Calling You How?

"Be my maryhubby?"

"What does that even mean?"