31 March 2011

雅观是个人的观点. 败.

"Oh I just called to tell you I'm in KL already"

"ok.. nice to know you're back safely. Talk to you some other day!"


What was I thinking? Has desperation for physical action blinded myself from something so aesthetically wrong?


I confess. I have an insatiable drive lately and I almost lost my self-control to the point I can actually let myself go for just anyone I know who are into penises and buttholes.

Whatever that happened, doesn't justify the actions I have let myself done.

* * *

"Oh, a mail."

A silent smile, facing the white computer screen in yet another warm night. Since joining this website, uploading just two pictures can attract 250 profile views in three days.

"Not bad ah."

Thought I could see some potentials to be brought on the bed. Then there was the message displayed as a few lines asking what I am into from this apparent decent looking boy from the capital. A string of casual conversation follows until the message asking for the room address, I finally asked his name.

It was less than 24 hours before we first meet, that night before closing my tired eyes, I received his contact for a certain internet social networking page.

Upon checking;

The jaws dropped.

* * *

One hour was the period of time I spent sitting at the warm corner of an overrated restaurant, waiting for his arrival.

A figure appeared and I know it's him because the waitress sitting in front of me stopped her hands from wiping a fork she was holding. Her eyes raised and focused on the only subject that captured her attention - him.

When he placed himself a seat, her eyes remains fixated to our direction, perhaps pondering the possibilities of reason why two person of such huge differences can sit on the same table.


I hold my tongue for a while, trying to rearrange my sentences before something ugly unintentionally slipped from the edges of my lips.

"You look.. extravagant today." adorned with a polite smile.

"What.. no la"

And that's that fake shyness from him.

"uh.. I suppose this is one of your most normal clothes you wear?"

"no la.."

"ok.. hmm. What were you wearing in your profile pic? Was that a dress?"

"uh no, that is a piece of cloth lar. I was wearing a long pants in the inside, kam ngam the camera angle captured it looks like a dress lo."

"I see.. So, what do you do?"

"oh, you saw my page right? I'm a fashion consultant. Working in this industry is... ... ... ..."

I can't help it.

You really cannot blame me for not able to listen all what you've said because after all, you are not speaking as loud as your appearance (especially your hair).

Now then, the advice from Dr. Elf some time ago, spelled out like an ominous chant on my mind, reminding me not to lose the integrity.

And yet.

§ § §

Niat hati hendak memancing temenung, sudah terpancing ikan setoka.

23 March 2011

What is a Bottom?

BL once told me I'm not a boyfriend material. Short, direct and sharp. That, he said was due the standards and personality I possess.

Fd once told me that I look down on people. He gave that beam of sight that the sentence was self-explanatory.

Words that I take note, a view outside of the human shell I live, and those words kept me in check for a while everytime when a scoop of warm water drench on my tired body at the end of the day.

Am I selfish?

I don't know.

If I have the tendency of wanting the affection like an independent diva wants from a working man, does that makes me needy?

And the need for a pair of warm comforting arms hugging from behind, does it mean I'm fragile?

If I deny my a-hole, but demand the occasional kiss on the forehead in thoughts, does that means cowardice?

So Bottom, everyone would say. But really, I'm still clean on the back.

Am I selfish?

I don't know.

It has been so many things I've paced. The ups, the downs, the far, the near, the silly, the serious and the shit. It never quite really fits, the one. Through times and tries, there were so many mistakes, some new and some stubborn, yet, I never seem to understand what I truly belong.

Am I sad? no.

Am I happy? neither.

What am I?


21 March 2011


Then, a sentence cracked during an intense argument between a rebellious boy and a furious mother who just learnt her son was sleeping with a so-called friend he brought back yesterday.

The condom was carelessly left on the dark corners of the messy bed.

"What is wrong with you?! What was my mistake in the efforts of bringing you up? Why are you doing this to yourself!?"

Silence hit for a few seconds before she continues the thundering voice. He can only make up from those words that she was utterly disappointed not at him, but herself for not having enough responsibility in raising a child.

Then, her voice tumble into a pleading advise, asking the only child not to brave himself anymore into that dysfunctional circle. She told him she knew better in the past.

"Please mom, I know the colors of the city. I had sex with more men than you. I can take care of myself!"

Followed soon a loud slam of the door.

She looks into her palms with her tired eyes while pondering the mistake she made twenty-two years ago and gasped with a drop of silent tear.

"There's always a reason why your dad calls you son of a bitch."

An inaudible sigh amidst the painful reflection.

17 March 2011


"Hey Savoir, do you have porn? Hehe."

"If you have it, can I copy from you now? Later I have the time and chance to watch. Haha! Please reply. Thanks!"

"Actually, I don't really have. I needed it too actually. Too bad."

"Haha. Ok, then what are you doing now?"

"My work and stuff. Why?"

"Hehe. Want to see your wild side can ar?"

"Actually, I meant to tell you that time what we had was something out of my desperation and it reminds me how promiscuous I am. So I am not doing it again already. Sorry. Hope you understand."

"Affected by the recent case in the news? Haha. So you think that we are doing something wrong? Come on. We are both single now and we need it. Can't we do it again? Maybe just some kissing and sucking. Well, tell you honestly, I have been missing doing it with you again so badly."

"Not just that. I really mean it. Just that I am not interested in sex for the moment already. No hard feelings. I understand the need is different for different people, you should find someone else."

"I think something are bothering you now. Like last time, you are kinda depressed. I think you need to talk to someone. I'll go to your place now. Don't worry, I'm not going to force you. Just want to make sure that you are fine. You want to open the door or not is up to you. But I hope you will open it. Just talking. I promise. See you!"

"I'm not in my room."

"Ok, please make sure that you are fine and do contact me if you want to talk to to someone or you are looking for a listener. Kinda worried about you now. Getting more emo."

"I'm fine. Just a few official things and a lot of exams to settle. No prob. If got things I needed to let out I call you out to yum cha ok? :)"

"up to you."

§ § §

Sudah jelas niat disampaikan, tiadalah manfaat kalau dipaksa.

Jikalau tidak berada-ada, masakan tempua bersarang rendah.

Bermaksud tentu adanya sebab yang tersembunyi makalah (terjadi) demikian.

15 March 2011

What happened to Tom?

Today, war and famine almost become a distant past.
Cure for strains are found faster, deaths from natural disasters are reducing.
Science and technology are proving itself more efficient.
Everyone smiling in fortunate places of the world.

But amidst all the depthless joy, the world is plagued by a new disease.

It's called superficiality.

11 March 2011


Little Willie,

That highlighted hairdo is an eyesore,
the group of friends you have;
almost like you
adorned glossy sling bags and white ironed shirts,
in this mall where you should be else,
flipping through page thirty four.

Little Willie,

That crackpot English,
the loud Mandarin voice,
sitting on the benches,
Laughing hysterically with your vulgar lips.

Little Willie,

Barely seventeen.
You don't have a car.
A clueless mother waiting,
you walk through your youth,
lured by insatiable attention,
looking into the dying ambers of the city.

Little Willie,

Street lights are not kind.
You have only yourself,
see, shout, laugh and cry.
Is it worth the cigarette ashes?

10 March 2011

A (very short) breather

Even though I no longer stay on the ground floor since the beginning of this semester, the morning mist still delivers the same kind of feeling upon waking up in such ungodly hours.

A turn of a rusty knob, streams of frigid water ran through a tired body. The mind immediately shudders from the insomnia a night before, and I thought there will be no wake up call more effective than this.

* * *

The best part waking up before dawn on Saturday is the privilege to walk on the center of a busy road, letting the amber street lights illuminate your quiet journey to the destination.

There is a reason why I force myself to complete all tasks at hand before today, and I finally realize I'm going to live it through. Picturing the surprise on the faces of my family and friends, I found myself grinning silly along the way.

* * *

"Hi mom, how's everyone?"

"Oh daddy and me is doing good. Your brother is doing the cooking tonight wor, so we had our dinner already."

"Brother cooks today?"

"Unbelievable? Never mind la, next time when you come back, you can ask him to cook for you."

"But I feel like eating tonight.."

The button on the left of the door never felt so good to press.

03 March 2011

Bisou, à vous remercier

"To enclose the line charge distribution with a cylindrical Gaussian surface, that means now I need the area of cylinder."

I paused for a second for the formula,

"2πrt. But, Isn't that just the area of the main pillar of the cylinder? What about the caps on both end?"

"Clever. Now let me ask you why do you need the caps? Note the electric field lines that crosses the caps are perpendicular to the dA vector, which are the caps."

"That means 90°, Cosθ = 0, No need to include the caps. But BL, doesn't Gauss laws state that the Gaussian surface must be enclosing?"

"Uh, that one, I can't help you. It's just maths we are dealing with."

Then I crawled to your side and gave you that peck. Wouldn't learn better without you.

p/s: Ok, that's aside. I needed the understanding though. Anyone knows the physical implication of not adding the caps of the cylinder into the Gaussian surface?