I want stability. Maturity. Trust and respect. But currently I am doing things which doesn't reflects too much into that.
Tired of giving hopes. Tired of receiving hints of relationships because of unforgivable mistakes I always make during a relationship. Perhaps it has all never been love. Emotional avalanches never quite happened. Love so far has been just a word, a second-hand emotion from the growing lust through period of missing bed actions and raging hormones.
I cannot blame the body. It's the youth I suppose? The time to experience things?
Right now, there is a potential in line of sight, again. Another cycle from someone of a considerably previous acquaintance which I've missed for a year.
However, I hate the fact that we are not doing anything. He didn't intend it. Perhaps due giving heart unaccepted some time ago? I might not be truly into it after all. The fear of myself incapable of working a relationship out of acquaintance are both staggering and real.
I had just enough for all those bla relationships precipitated from overnight sex.
I see now golden sunshine everyday on the busy Federal highway, whether through it inspired for work or back with thoughts on ideas how to spend the night without getting too tired for the next day. Life has been fulfilling because I like my job even though it seems to be a little draggy.
What's left is that special person who's able to listen and experience together. That charisma, that intelligence and that simple thought of waking up into his generous smile.
Give me a chance to change. Please.
Time flows quick before the train leaves the station. Why are you leaving again whenever I am looking for it?
Fate haven't been kind.
* * *
"actually, right now? I'm pretty satisfied with that I'm having now."
"what do you mean?"
"Well, you know, I am now in my holidays working where I wanted to, got car, got house, not in short of money to live, loving parents, nice brother, friends who I cherish so much, life itself."
"That's surface. Are you really satisfied with your life now?"
* * *
Floating amber of sodium lights illuminates the dimming fire that is deep within. The steering wheel and reflections of the rear-view mirror watches as a silent, controlled weep took over my tired eyes.