30 May 2011

Deep Down


I want stability. Maturity. Trust and respect. But currently I am doing things which doesn't reflects too much into that.

I'm tired.

Tired of giving hopes. Tired of receiving hints of relationships because of unforgivable mistakes I always make during a relationship. Perhaps it has all never been love. Emotional avalanches never quite happened. Love so far has been just a word, a second-hand emotion from the growing lust through period of missing bed actions and raging hormones.

I cannot blame the body. It's the youth I suppose? The time to experience things?

Right now, there is a potential in line of sight, again. Another cycle from someone of a considerably previous acquaintance which I've missed for a year.

However, I hate the fact that we are not doing anything. He didn't intend it. Perhaps due giving heart unaccepted some time ago? I might not be truly into it after all. The fear of myself incapable of working a relationship out of acquaintance are both staggering and real.

I had just enough for all those bla relationships precipitated from overnight sex.

I see now golden sunshine everyday on the busy Federal highway, whether through it inspired for work or back with thoughts on ideas how to spend the night without getting too tired for the next day. Life has been fulfilling because I like my job even though it seems to be a little draggy.

What's left is that special person who's able to listen and experience together. That charisma, that intelligence and that simple thought of waking up into his generous smile.

Give me a chance to change. Please.

Time flows quick before the train leaves the station. Why are you leaving again whenever I am looking for it?

Fate haven't been kind.

* * *

"actually, right now? I'm pretty satisfied with that I'm having now."

"what do you mean?"

"Well, you know, I am now in my holidays working where I wanted to, got car, got house, not in short of money to live, loving parents, nice brother, friends who I cherish so much, life itself."

"That's surface. Are you really satisfied with your life now?"


* * *

Floating amber of sodium lights illuminates the dimming fire that is deep within. The steering wheel and reflections of the rear-view mirror watches as a silent, controlled weep took over my tired eyes.

29 May 2011

Stating the obvious



Fidelity is a rare asset these days.


27 May 2011

In some cases, some things never change.

Since Ipoh two weeks ago, it never came to me that today is the day until he text me 24 hours ago. A seemingly innocent message, an invitation for a dinner over his place.

The mother was not in and the dinner became supper instead.

Whatever we bought from the night market wasn't really in my mind because his face reminds me how I was attracted to him since the first few time we met. In that flowy conversation, I came finally to a rest at the edge of a huge executive table from all that restless stray little steps in his living room. The pondering and all-that-awkwardness-to-ask finally came to a halt.

"now, tell me something honestly. Do you have some sort of expectations when I said I am coming over tonight?" The question comes with a little curvy thing at the end of my eye and lips. Something like a insidious hint.

He tapped his palm on the green sofa cushion next to him.

* * *

I like it when we are doing it both ways, reciprocal, not single sided. Tonight that thing come true, he give me a deep passionate kiss on the edge of his bed while letting me sink slowly on the surface of comfort.

"hug me from behind."

I let out an uncontrolled whispering moan when he give pressure on my back, holding me tight while delivering that careful kiss on my neck. It was also in this session I realized what turns him on.

Questions came across in flash as why my fingers aren't sweating as it so used to be. It doesn't matter. That grants me a smoother way to tingle his senses. We were calling names when we know we do it right.

A sound of keys jingle shattered every motion when we know his mother is back. I thought it the night is over and I picked up my clothes. He gets up, turned on the radio and pushed my hands away while I slowly let go of the shirt I thought I will be wearing.

I like the way how we hugged. How his feature looks. How the blue light from the radio draws the line of his silhouette.

"but your mom? Won't she knock or.."

"you're worth it"

That sounded most flattering and I never came across the reason why I kissed his lips then moved to his cheeks while we are continuing our process to touch.

The realization of all it's pleasure did not dawn on me until the next day when all is over, waking up to an empty home. A text message from him confirms the same was felt on the other side.

* * *

"well, I never had anything since I came back from Johore"

"That explains your load."

I lied.

Had something in Ipoh, but it doesn't worth it.

19 May 2011

Warning Letter #1

The electric current that burnt the resistors can be sufficient to kill you. Always send your progress first before proceeding to next. Please understand that during the whole training period, you are required to work under supervision, thus please work seriously and carefully.