26 July 2011


Two bits of of glowing candle lights, in the depth of darkness. Just a little bit. Staring into it's brightness, flickering around a perspiring glass of good gin.

So many thoughts floating at the moment, suffocating, so completely saturated.

Was it friendship? Relationship? Family? Or the purpose of living this life?

Perhaps all. Just a little bit.

For now, only the blur shadows of the crystalline liquid safeguards my sanity - only to it's tipping point.

Just a little bit.

"Photos and moments in memory that wet the corners of eyes. so much gratitude and sorry never sent. never received. never heard of."

25 July 2011


Is it just me or everyone has issues on coming out to their family? (for those who's not out yet specifically to a group of fabulous boys in their 20's)

Father has made his statement from a quote in a newspaper cutout:

如果没有时间谈恋爱, 那么你必须准备时间相亲.

18 July 2011


"Hey, that piccolo guy, Vincent, tell him la... he's blowing the wrong instrument."

"Min, please pay attention to the performance."

An abrupt stop of hand waving, the sound of music comes to a still. They paused for a second and then all of them raised and lowered themselves.

The theater applaud. Roars of demand for an encore.

13 July 2011

So.. What do you do?

She is perhaps the happiest person among our click, she could crack herself into uncontrolled laughter even at the slightest tickle of joke. We knew that since we started going out so often after school almost three years ago. Yeah, those were the days living under ignorant bliss before diving into this community, before the introduction of Axcest.

Now, she's still that same joyous girl we all know and happen to be the only one who knows about this little secret of mine. (Perhaps not too secretive after all when people started to suspect) We were all still on the same table in the same cafe, talking about the difference and similarities, the typical lifestyle in the campus we have been exposed since the last day we met in the exam hall.

Then, she asked me a question that reminds me of a few incidence.

"Savoir, have you been asked on what you're doing (academic pursue) now?"

And I knew where this conversation is going to lead. A topic I have always wanted to share - a debate on the effects of social media.

"Well, yes of course."

"I remember this one time, I was in this club with a few new friends of mine... and then, at one point one of them asked me: 'So.. what do you do?' and I answered him: 'I do physics.'" He begged for pardon as he thought he heard something else until I clarified again: "Physics, as in you know.. Fizik."

"What happened?"

"He got stuck for a while, trying to process what I have told him. Then he squinted his cute eyes and said: 'So.. Physics.. Isn't it like.. engineering?"

She could barely cover her grin, and I continued: "Uh.. No.. Physics is pure science, we study into the deep side of things. Things engineers will invent or apply after what physicists discovered. Things like, nuclear science."

Immediately, he pushed his eyes wide and gave me: "oh... so you guys like.. made bombs?"

* * *

So I asked her after she just recovered from an excessive laughter: "Didn't you have similar responses as well when people ask you on your program?"

"On rare cases la." she said. "Sometimes, I get comments like 'Psychology? Who are you going to psycho?'"

We both chuckled.

* * *

See, this is the type of response I usually get especially when I talk to non-science informed friends. Absolutely no prejudice here because I know we grow up from different educational background hence we are exposed to different things academically. However, mass media is also a place where people learn most of their things other than formal education.

Think about the word "radiation", It sounded almost synonymous with nuclear bomb and death as portrayed in many media instances, giving public that shadow of fear they might never understand why. Twas, we are lazy to read through the details.

Personally, I never liked physics applied as nuclear bomb. Take most physicist at the point of time when development of the first atomic bomb was underway, they disagree science being used as a tool for mass murder. Einstein himself regrets deeply for signing the paper urging President Roosevelt for initiating the Manhattan Project. Even nuclear power is unnecessary for most of the case. It boast safety but that is if security of the waste management and the plant itself is under control. The unit of energy I use in nuclear science is the electron-volt, not Kilotons.

This is just a thought, an example, on how easily people can be affected by effective visual and/or audio exposure. Which is also the reason why I have almost given up on the portrayal of idealism. Who is to say having a perfectly built body, impeccable tailoring and flawless complexion are all the characteristics of an ideal partner? Rampant sex as the in thing? Why physical sciences are boring? Also the development of politics, economics, social norms, hierarchy, status, and the list goes on and on...

"That's just because you failed to get what you want." replied as an argument.

I fail to bound myself by the masses of psychological steel chain.

10 July 2011

Your Turn.

It was the usual slow traffic in the suburbs of Petaling. The morning sun hung low, as if hiding under a blanket of orange haze. We just done our breakfast and the day about to begin as we are ten minutes from dropping her by the office.

Inside the car was silence not because we did not have a topic to talk about. Perhaps all possible reason of conversations has finished, or plain gazing into the daunting task of the day stalled her. A moment later, she thought of something and broke the silence:

"So, 你有没有 girlfriend?"

Awkward silence for a moment, but I then realize a response was necessary. Hence, I gave her a bitter smile at first, then with a vague but solid one-word answer:


She continued immediately:

"做么没有 girlfriend?"

That question caught me for that instant, but I quickly answered with the standard sentence which I composed and stored on the hard-disk of my mind long ago as a safety-block since I entered this little dysfunctional world to stop further suspicion in a conversation heading towards this direction.

"Why? Single 不懂几好, there's freedom to do anything. 没有约束, 不需要跟人交待."

She replied with three seconds of void, looking into the bright glare of windscreens as if she understood the reason why I didn't not opt for any relationship at the moment, but her inner-self keeps nagging that this could be a sign of her child giving hints on his preference. However she has chosen to ignore it.

"没有啦, 只是我在想通常年轻人像你这样.. 应该会有 girlfriend 了.. 有时我觉得在 office 的 Ian 也是奇怪. 这样大了还没有 girlfriend."

"But, Ian 只大我一岁.. Where got strange? "


She shrugged.

* * *

The sun was about to set and the old red car just stopped right in the yellow box. "perfect" I told myself. But it was a tiring day after a few hours of intense conversation about life, lifestyle, perspectives and snips-snaps of Fd reminding scenes. I told myself the bed is not too far from here and I gathered myself with a sigh to walk upstairs towards the pink door.

"Weii, 吃饭了... 来来来.. 一起吃."

Today there's a new guest which I don't always see. A shorter and clumsier figure was sitting at the corner of the small table, neatly squeezed with the rest of my family members. I thanked silently to goodness that my brother did not bring his girlfriend tonight. The chopsticks were barely enough.

The dishes was homely, but most certainly appetizing. Mom will never be stingy when it comes to food, especially a good Chinese dinner. I smiled at mom, and her who sits at the corner.

She looks at me with that face I always can't stop myself giving a hearty hug. Without further due time, I sat next to her, which is my usual favorite spot and everyone started. Sound of metals clanging with fine china soon followed.

Ah ma seldom eat dishes available on the table even if it was abundant. She put things in her mouth very quickly with plain rice and went down with a few tablespoons of soup. I couldn't help myself but to tear bits of fishes and other soft food into her bowl, but it almost always comes with a frown on her forehead saying it's enough.

Then suddenly she asked in her mother tongue (Hokkien):

"几时像你的弟弟这样, 带(女)朋友回来?" [I saw her, your brother's (girl)friend. When you are going to bring a (girl)friend and let me see?]

I looked into her gracious and hopeful eyes and replied a polite nod laced with a generous smile. I didn't say anything because it was not necessary. No words for that moment while my parents look into each other.

Mom smirked.

08 July 2011

Peludah Warna

Kuasa gusar kini menggelegak murka;
warna kuning diisytihar racun terbisa.
Diragutnya baju-T segeram tenaga
dan diumum itulah busana bahaya.

Tapi, kita jahit semula perca kain,
menjadikannya panji terindah dan tulen.
Warna kuning yang teramat tenang dan syahdu
kita kembalikan damai ke dalam qalbu.

Kini cahaya mentari mungkin diramas
dan sinar kuningnya juga mungkin dicantas.
Memanglah mereka kini peludah warna
sedang menghimpun lendir kahak sebanyaknya.

Kerana nikmat amat lama berkuasa,
kuasa pun seolah menjadi hartanya.

- sasterawan negara A. Samad Said