31 August 2011

Frail. No.

Then I wonder:

When is this grieving phase going to pass? The guilt of being the culprit with a cheating spouse, and the simultaneous confusion of feelings for this boy, eagerly waiting my full acceptance in the midst of his busy research schedule.

Then I realized, the action is up to me. Executions have to be taken, be it swift and cruel or soft and tiresome.

But Volgograd had left to Russia with his other half.

And I'm leaving home for yet another two semester, separated with Mr.Pangkor by a four hours bus drive.

So, how's that for a year later? What months can do to two concurrent distant relationships?

There's plentiful of room to be emo, as Hypocrite saw me. But I refuse to be a sorrowful alcoholic as I think the phrase "emo" is abused and overrated for petty feelings of sadness like this. It wasn't sadness. It was the triumph of my sexual drive over much needed self control.

Today, best friend Jin told me I need to be a monk after months of prostitution. I couldn't agree less.

I said:

"At the very least, prostitution is a profession. A slut does no gain."

* * *

Here's one thought, from this day, last year:

"Yesteryear's Merdeka, I was liberated from Fd. The sweetness of freedom felt so very good even though it was coated in a very thin shellac of regret. It was what I wanted anyway since deep down I can no longer afford emotional torments from his expectations after showers and showers of attention."

Perhaps the true liberation is getting myself untangled from the chains of careless relationships. Don't sniff the others' scent after sex. Don't ask about their lives. Don't disclose how good they are on the bed.

Months of academic work soon might help. I have BL still to settle with and I miss him since I came home. I know I'm greedy, stubborn and hopelessly poly-amorous, but the portions of agony in my divided heart is too good to let go. And there's no space for weakness.

Not even grief.

30 August 2011

Drink. Full Stop.

While I am still sober I feel that I have a moral imperative to note this:

"Fuck you for being a hypocrite."


"You have no idea how much it hurts to be the other (wo)man. 他妈的! 如果我有心要做第三者, 找也找一个有钱, 样靚, 画像高和没脑的啦! 吊!"


Thinking Lunch

Then, they dropped me at Asia Jaya LRT station. It was early evening after a good session of conversation on the whatabouts of both parties. One particular topic washed through briefly while we were in G3 as I was taking a sip from the rich tinge of bergamot. Since then, the idea stuck to my mind all the way from that restaurant to Antipodean in Bangsar.

So I was thinking.

Do we choose friends? I meant the circle of people that one can put his affections and most of the time, non sexually related. The idea came from the question why would the other significant half sometimes find difficulties to bond with the other half's circle of friends? I would like to think different people have different psychological upbringings to adhere themselves to certain people which they call friends, and consequently find themselves gather enough bits of dislike for certain people in their walks of life even though they did nothing wrong by rights.

So, unknowingly, we do choose people to be friends despite the denial of being bias.

Now, how about my decision of rejecting Fd's love back then? Worse still, why did I allowed myself to reply that kiss?


I was such a fool.

26 August 2011


"I'll have to do you first. I come very fast"

Ok was the last word for the night. It was a quick 10 minutes handjob followed by his snores. Thousand remorse then followed for thinking back what three short weeks after the termination of my internship has done to me. I was busy yes, with my little projects.. but in the mean time of being busy I still managed to sneak slots for unforgivable fun. Especially with Volgograd not too long ago, and darn should I say I missed him so much since that 5 hours session.

This time is his friend who happen to stay in Penang, and funny thing is, Volgograd actually had a conversation with me on this boy's on-the-bed behavior. What I experienced was precisely what Volgograd described.

Well, I guess time in Russia is pretty lonely isn't it, Volgograd?

* * *

Not that I mind after his message in the morning indicating the failure to provide me a nights' shelter in his place, he also just told me he cannot too, provide me a few hours worth of companionship around the town.

I don't blame him of course. After all, he just checked in Penang two days ago, and have to leave to Russia by the end of this month. I understand time is what you need to spend with your friends and family.

That's why I prefer to walk alone. So I forgive him and checked in to a gritty guesthouse in Love lane. It was my first time living in a dormitory, and the experience was nothing less than perfect. All that wonderfully restored architectural heritage coupled with welcoming foreign guests.

There I met Alice from Australia, who said this over a cup of morning coffee:

"I never thought of getting married this age, think at least until 35 or so. Then he came in, and he told me to do whatever I like and he grant me the freedom. That's where I say that's it, he's the one."

* * *

Now I ran into one of the lanes perpendicular to Bank Street. It's one of the quietest corner in Georgetown. This city has grown up over centuries, the un-restored old buildings like abandoned factories and old hotels felt like a precious wound, like a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change of things crumbling to ruins.

Then I looked around this place, at the chaos it's endured... the way it's been adapted, burned, shelled, then found a way to build itself back again, and I was reassured.

Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic. It's just that world that is.. and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it.

Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.

Georgetown showed me that we must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation.

25 August 2011

5 minutes ago

Was 15 minutes of pure sorrow and comfort of shedding tears, my life has never been more clear for the moment.

What made it less than perfect is that this was done without anyone. Not even a closest friend.

After that, life moves on. I stand up, walked to the shower room, drenched my face and wiped it dry.

I'm ready to go.

"Hey Groceries, believe in love again."

A comment from a good friend

"Frankly, the things that you know, no one else really wants to know."

20 August 2011

I like this version with candlelights.

Though I battle blind,
Love is a fate resigned.
In the memories that mar my mind,
Love is a fate resigned.

18 August 2011

I had your moment

"Thank you, Savoir. For everything. For all the first times you gave me today. The beach, the experience, the holiday I so yearned."

I didn't say anything because those were precisely my emotions not too long ago. Fd still taints the very edge of my romanticism but now it's you who I need, to smear off every last patches left by him.

So I played dirty. Using what he did to me on you, but done subtly and wrapped with far less obsessions.

* * *

A thud came from the lever in the shower room, and hot yellow light from the incandescent lamp started to pour into our warmly lit room as he slowly pushes the door open while rubbing his ear dry.

Then he stood there for a while, eyes looking around as he wonder if this room was actually the same room before he took the shower.


Warmly lit by tealight candles all around the corners, smooth jazz was playing softly from a portable speaker, almost unable to distinguish the vocals but clear enough to highlight the musical instruments.

After a long session of fondling under the comforter, we arrived to a moment when we were hugging each other, all comforter's off, kissing deep while I penetrated him starting each thrust from soft entry to powerful pounds until we both started sweating once again since our afternoon escape from monkeys.

I was on top of him when his head was off the bed. My arms holding his head while he flicks my glans from the tip to the cap base. He looked into my face while doing so, savoring each emotion of pleasure I released.

Finally, the barrel of pleasure was filled to the brim. In jittering shots we came almost simultaneously on his chest. Ended up, we laid beside each other, listening to the silent tune of piano slowly fading...

* * *

"oh my god, savoir, look at the water! That blue glowing dot over there!"

"yup, I thought you might have liked those."

"Look, there's another one!" "Eh, there too.. wow, they are everywhere here!"

"Noctiluca Scintillans"

"the last time while was very young, I saw these in Penang. But I don't recall I saw this much." "These phytoplanktons are so beautiful! I wonder if I could study their bioluminescence.."

"Life is amazing isn't it?"

"Indeed it is.."

"Just like stars in the sky..."

We paused for a second, and then I looked into the bright moonlit night. I almost arrive to a deep sigh of despair knowing the odds of seeing it might be too slim due to the mist of clouds, but he didn't asked. I know, it has to be somewhere, but damn I forgot to track where those beautiful flying things should come from.

"There's more. We are not too lucky because it's full moon tonight. Be patient and we might have a surprise."

That mysticism was wrapped with a smile.

But we were blessed.

"I think I saw something in the sky..."

"Yes. Today is the peak period for Perseids."

16 August 2011

Monkey Bay (snip)

"Shit, now what?" "worse come to worse, we have to stay on this beach for the night. Are you ok with that idea?"

"yeah, I'm ok with it."

"Wait wait, stupid idea. We have no options here. This beach is isolated without any lights in the night. God knows what can happen to us through the night, it's full moon today." "We HAVE to cross this cape even if it cost deep gashes."

"Wait, let me check them. See if they are still there."

He then creep onto the barnacle ridden boulder on top of us and took a quick peek.

"Nope, it seems like they are not there."

"Fuck, that alpha fucking scratched me just now. Luckily I'm not bleeding."

"are you ok?"

"yes dear. Are you sure they are gone?"

"yeah, it seems like there's no sound from the trees in front."

"Ok, so, we now dash through the rocks, very carefully, and try to go as fast as possible."

"Alright, I'll lead."

"Ok, go go GO!"

My legs were in shaking fatigue but somehow managed to gather the last burst of energy for the life-saving sprint and agile coordination. Quickly and silently, we glided across multitudes of large granite rocks.

"Careful, don't look into the water. Look front. Look front!"

Suddenly, he paused for a second with both arms spread out for balance.

"They are still there, a few of them.."

"Go! Just go!"


The clicking sound of intimidation reappeared again from them. We started to hear movements on the trees behind us. But it is too late because we have landed on the sandy beach where we came from. There are a few females, posing an aggressive stance. I let out a loud yell as we approached them. They turned backwards for a moment and it's too late for them.

"Run! Run! RUN!"

We managed to escape.

15 August 2011

5 hour guest

You're too cute. Lustful as a long fastened sex-deprived boy.

"Now, what can we do?" was my first and last question before engaging into a sinful kiss under strips of morning light who managed to escape the window blinds.

Did I mention you're the first in this year making me feel so comfortable on bed? Yes. Three times in a row until we sleep in each others' sweat. Your sultry lips coupled with our wet tongue crossings was just something I have been looking for.

The shower after was sensual as I first and finally learned to give a him a full body lathering adorned with smooches all over.

After that, he called you.

An hour of small talk follows.

"your bf?"


Hours had now gone through since I left you on the train station. You're still messaging me.

Hope the coming months in Volgograd will pull you and your love closer than the few hours we had.

I shouldn't have talked to you.

Well, there's always conditions.

It's funny when people discuss love marriage vs arranged.

It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

10 August 2011

Lucid #3

I cannot yell for attention not because no one is around me for the next couple of kilometers. Even if I could, that won't be necessary.

Strangely, there was only one greenish-blue streetlamp, faintly illuminating my old Saga not far away from me. Driver's door wide opened, the radio was playing loud static. Listening to it in detail was a hallowing requiem - the final song of my life.

Leaning on the cold tarmac completely depleted, I looked deep into the starry sky, then down to my abdomen. The wound still fresh, and torrents of blackish red keeps oozing until I felt the road wet on my back.

Soon, a faint glow appeared on the edge a tunnel next to me. It looks inviting. After all, what's left to live for but chasing lights at the end? Gathering the bits of strength left, I shivered myself towards the source, which now appears brighter under each agonizing crawl. The radio static now gets louder and louder and louder and louder and...

07 August 2011

Last Night

Was the first having just enough sleep after strings of strange nightmares the nights before.

03 August 2011

Lucid #2

"Strange. My room is never this damp.." muttered in my heart as I step inside to discover a hallow scene. The walls wet, dark, and covered with patches of blackened moss. The atmosphere smells like a wet night in the tropical forest.

I knelt before him immediately upon sight. He who lies on a rusty steel bed with the position in the room vaguely similar to mine, as if everything is happening my room now. Jin is dying, be him the only straight friend who I knew and love so dear. He knows almost all of my secrets. Almost.

His breath progressively shallow with eyes slowly going out of focus turning upwards. I held his hand, pressed it and shout. He gained his focus, eyes looking into mine for a split second before his hand finally lose its grip. There were no conversation. I did not cry. I merely hoped that he could have made it but I stayed, still holding his motionless hand..

My head lowered beside his, eyes closed, showing my last grief before figuring out what really happened.

Dead silence.

Then, there is a motion. The burning short candle beside his bed started flickering violently, but there was no wind. There was no sound either. The room turns darker as the candle started to dance out if its life.

Suddenly, his hand tightened. It was a shock at first but the feeling of pain increased. Clearly in the state of surprise, I witnessed. His eyes remained closed but it is very much alive.. this is not Jin.

Its eyes now opened big, like an angry cat with yellow iris. The familiarity of his feature gone as his skin thinned with jawbones becoming visible. I cannot run. It awakens from sleep and hovered over my face, appearing larger and larger until it covered my field of vision.

I fall on the wet floor, motionless. I cannot scream, I cannot speak. It was staring not on my eyes, but into my heart. That instant was overwhelmed with baneful judgement, anger and disappointment.

Before the devouring, the candle-flame finally extinguished. The horror ended because I do not have to see it, and I realized I am waking up in front of an innocent teddy bear. A rejected gift my brother failed to pass to his girlfriend.

02 August 2011

Lucid #1

Then, I realized my mother was sitting beside, looking into my eyes, holding my arms. The window behind her was brightly lit with the blinds pulled all way up. The leaves of the tree vaguely moving, glittering from the gentle touch of the morning sun.

I felt the corners of my eyes soaked with tears so warm. Never once I felt this way and I asked her, was all that possible? Could he have felt that way?

"Please don't be silly, Savoir. He certainly will NOT feel this way. We only wishes the best from you."

* * *

The sound of a rattan cane just slashed on the tanned skin as I took it with the pull of every nerve, trying to stop the signal registering pain sent to my brain. I told myself never cry from that moment of torment because I am not at fault. Then it was the usual loud scolding, from someone I never thought I would spend a night talking in the future.


The words are almost meaningless as much as its worth coming out from him. This is just another routine of the day after spending hours in the palm oil estate, toiling for an effective irrigation. In the usual hot afternoon, I'll have to take care of his coffee shop, cleaning emptied teacups and phlegm laden spitting pails of the mahjong gamblers.

Of course, he too, work much more than I did. As a son, I could only help as much as he ordered me to do so (not without scoldings and beatings). With most days I spent not entering classes, the hours are spent here with mud around my knee and soap on my bare hands. The rest of my little time spent with my neighborhood friends diving into the clear river next to my wooden home. Of course, mother must not know this, else I'll get another session for not doing house chores.

* * *

"Eh, you know we cannot take two live wires from the socket and short them right? Why ah? I know if you do so, the fuse will blow. Don't kill yourself in experiments okay.."

I was staring into my eldest son, asking something completely out of the range in my profession. This is a response from the trinkets he is doing in his room with all that gadgets and so called projects that I am curious to find out, but too afraid if I would ever understand.

I know he is interested in a subject called physics, and recently he has told me, showed me, and explained to me a lot on ideas I know I will learn if I'd pay attention in the classroom fifty years ago.

"yup, pa, that's because...."

Followed by two hours of lectures on the difference between DC and AC circuits, simplified to layman terms such that he know I could understand. Of course, he should know that I will most likely forget most of what he had just told me as soon as I leave this room. Nevertheless, he keep answering my questions.

I am not tired listening, but I hoped I could understand in a deeper level, as much as how he sees it. That way, I believe he will enjoy telling me without the need of reducing the ideas into layman terms.

* * *

Then I sat on the corner of my white plain bed. The room slowly shrink and the wall darkens black to only a slight beam from a bright spotlight that appears to come out of nowhere. I sat there motionless while staring at my roughened palm.

All those years of working in a small carpentry workshop has paid off little to feed my family. But I hoped that I have studied more so I could provide them a better environment. Today, I stare at myself. With only that much I know, I hope he does not mind a father like me. And I hope I could understand how he feels in his passion to become an aspiring physicist.


If I only had know more while I was young.

Strings of tears, never a drop fell for anyone for so long finally shed for my son.

01 August 2011


"I'm falling in luv with u d :P"

"My dear, you have to use the four letter word carefully. Save it for the only person you'll be giving yourself to. I once said it carelessly and that haunted me for 9 months and counting."

"Thank you, but yeah, to who?"

"my ex."

"Then where is he now?"

"I don't know and I care less about him anyway. He has broken my heart as much as I shattered his."

"sth happened?"

"yeah, multiple chains of events leading to this mess. I have mistakes, he have problems. Not for each other. All sums up become a disaster lo."

"haha, you miss him."

"excuse me?"

"I said from ur conversation, I know you still miss him. Ok, hey my bf is here d, chat with you next time Savoir!"

"Have a nice evening, ZY."

Can't believe you haunt me for so long.

妈的, 想到你就想一巴掌掴你脸烂!